I recently bought a wedding gift for my cousin's daughter, and when I discussed the gift ahead of time with Mother, she was against the idea of it, at first. Then she thought about it a minute and said "You're right. It's a great gift." [the gift was a selection of herbs and spices]
I was thinking today how wedding customs have changed, just in my lifetime.In Mother's youth, most people would give a piece of silverware or a place setting of china. Most young couples today don't even choose pricey silver and china.
I was also thinking about what makes a wedding perfect [I vote for how enjoyable it is for guests], and what makes a marriage strong.
I have been going to weddings for more than 40 years.
When I was 6 I was a flower girl in the wedding of one of mother's cousins. I was so excited to wear a blue velvet dress and get to walk down the aisle, scattering flower petals. I had never been to a wedding before. I kept my little petal basket and the fluffy headband for years and years.
I was less enthusiastic about having to go down the aisle holding onto my brother's arm. He was just as horrified. We were at ages where we were fighting all.the.time. [for example 'HE'S LOOKING AT ME!"]
The wedding was held in a church, and afterwards there was a small reception in the church fellowship hall. There was a wedding cake, some cheese straws, and a few other refreshments. There was no band, no dancing, no big elaborate buffet.
I tried very hard to eat every cheese straw on the food table. My mother or one of my great aunts discovered this and I was thoroughly scolded. That's why I look so annoyed in the photo below.
[Just FYI - that marriage didn't last, but it had nothing to do with the wedding.]
Probably the first wedding I ever attended just as a guest was my cousin Robin. It was a similarly modest event but enjoyed by all, and very lovely and appropriate. At the end, the kiss was spectacular. I remember being absolutely astonished. I had never seen grownups kiss for that long. My parents didn't do anything remotely like that in front of me.
I remember as an 8 year old thinking to myself, This is something! You get married and get to do all the kissing! WOW!
For a while after that, my Barbie and Ken dolls did a lot of kissing.
[Just FYI, Robin and her husband have been married now for more than 40 years.]
Weddings have now evolved into often very elaborate events. If you're wealthy, go for it. More power to you.
For the rest of us, the non-wealthy, I have to wonder if somehow we've lost sight of what's really important. Wouldn't it be better to take $5-15,000 and spend it on a down payment on a house, rather than an elaborate party?
Years ago, I attended the very small, simple wedding of a friend. After the church ceremony we went back to his parents' house where there was a nice buffet, but not a ton of food, nor anything very elaborate. The older guests ate a bit, visited, and left. The rest of us, the young folks, waited until they had left and then we all put on bathing suits, cranked up the music, and had a pool party in the back yard. The party lasted for hours. I had a wonderful time.
[The couple divorced a few years later, but that wasn't linked to the wedding or party afterwards.]
The final wedding I want to talk about is my parents.
My mother loves to tell stories and when I was a little she would tell me about her wedding. She was teaching, and Dad was working as an accountant for a big grocery store chain owned by his cousin. They had very little money.
She invited all the kids in her class to come, because the old First Baptist in Atlanta was a huge church, tough to fill, and many of the children came to the wedding.
Mom borrowed her dress from a much taller friend, then had to wear very high heels because she couldn't alter the dress.She also had to wear a corset because her friend was much thinner.
The reception was just cake and punch in the fellowship hall. Dad's cousin took the wedding photos as his gift to Mom and Dad. The "honeymoon" was one night in a motel in Florida, just over the Georgia/Florida border.
Mom and Dad had no money to buy furniture or really start housekeeping. His parents gave them a bed and someone else gave them a card table and some folding chairs. They found a couch someone was throwing away and hauled it back to the apartment.
She was 23 and he was 26.
They were married for 40 years, until Dad died in 1996.
The fact that Mom and Dad had such a modest start in life didn't foretell of a rocky marriage or a divorce. Mom's brothers both had similarly modest weddings, and were married for a very long time. (Uncle Don is still married, going strong after more than 60 years; my other uncle passed away, but had a happy marriage.)
The attitude used to be, you got married and if things went sour, you fixed them. You didn't give up at the first sign of trouble. Or even the 10th sign if trouble. You worked it out.
Now, before my divorced friends get upset with me, let me state something here, very clearly. Some marriages just aren't meant to last. Sometimes divorce is the best and/or only choice. I am not anti-divorce.
Living together doesn't really count, in my book. I've known many couples who lived together for years before marriage and still got divorced.
I have it on reliable authority that -- get ready for a revelation here -- MARRIAGE IS HARD. It's not easy. It's a very very tough thing to do well.
My mother says in a marriage each partner has to give not 50% but 90% -- all the time. Sacrifices have to be made. You must compromise. Maybe young people who have been raised without a clear understanding of the word "sacrifice" simply cannot sustain a marriage.
I've also read that kids whose parents get divorced find it harder to sustain a marriage. Sad, but it's understandable.
I am single and I've never even been close to getting married, so you can take this with a big grain of salt if you like. I just know that I've been the shoulder that got cried on many many times and I hate to see a marriage fail because the two people couldn't work things out.
Anyone who is contemplating marriage needs to spend a lot of time and energy on really knowing each other, and get good pre-marital counseling, before they tie the knot. Most churches require counseling but it would probably be a good idea to take it a step further and see a licensed marriage counselor. Spend some of the wedding money on that.
Ten years from now, what will be more important, that all your family and friends remember an extravagant blowout of a wedding -- and then the subsequent divorce -- or that you have a strong and lasting marriage?!?
Priorities...
