Every so often I reflect on the fact that I was privileged to grow up closely able to observe so many happy and successful marriages. In my lifetime, as the divorce rate has risen, I've often talked with Mother about the six marriages I know a bit about, mainly my parents, my 4 uncles and their wives, and my grandparents.
It may sound crazy but even though I've never married I like to try and remain open to the possibility. I try not to be jaded about marriage because I've seen firsthand what a happy and successful marriage looks like.
My parents' marriage had its ups and downs but I never doubted that my parents really LIKED each other. They were best friends. They also had a solid foundation of love, of course, but I think the liking is just as important. I have often witnessed them sitting and talking to each other, for hours and hours. Mom has always said they could laugh at the same things, and that was hugely important.
It's worth mentioning that of all of these marriages, the wives usually didn't work outside the home, at least when the kids were small. I only mention that because I know from talking to friends that when both partners work it's just more stressful on a marriage. Both my grandmothers had to work during World War II, however, and Memaw worked for years selling Stanley home products.
My father's parents both died before I was born but my Mom and Dad often talked about Cordelia and Thompson, and the fact that they both married late in life, for that time, but it was a happy marriage. Cordelia was about 30 and Thompson about 35 when they married. When Thompson became sick with emphysema around the end of World War II, he had to stop working and Cordelia nursed him until his death in 1957. She told my mom that he had beautiful feet. She came from a prosperous farming family and had been to college. Thompson came from a poor family and never finished high school, because he had to quit school and go to work after his dad died. Yet, when Thompson died Cordelia was heartbroken. She couldn't bear to sleep in the house alone and would go out the back door in her nightgown every night, to sleep in the spare room of her next door neighbor. (below, the two of them around 1935?)
My mother's parents, "Memaw" and "Papaw" were well-known to me as a child, and I adored them. It wasn't until I grew up and they were both gone that Mother and I talked about their marriage and what made it work. They were total opposites. Memaw was a tiny [4'11] little fireball, always busy, always energetic and buzzing around. Papaw was a slow-talking giant of a man who never got in a hurry about anything. They went through some hard times together, but the marriage survived almost 50 years. Papaw told my mother once he greatly respected Memaw -- it wasn't a great affirmation of love but Papaw was very Victorian and it was impossible for him to say the word "love." When Papaw died, Memaw was heartbroken. She had a massive stroke 4 years later.
I grew up with 4 uncles. Dad had two older brothers and Mom had two older brothers. Out of the four, only my uncle Don is still alive. He is very sick and in the hospital right now, which is what made me think about this topic. He has been happily married to Jane for more than 60 years. Like Memaw and Papaw they are total opposites. Jane is energetic and buzzes around, and Don is slow talking and slow moving. However, they share a love of music and a deep faith, and they have always stayed busy with church and community activities.
All the Hasty men are slow to do everything - talk, eat, laugh. However, that doesn't mean they are not bright. I've never met a Hasty man that was not brilliant.
My uncle Bobby Hasty and his wife Myrtle were married for more than 50 years, and died on the same day in December 2008. Myrt was a tiny, energetic lady who loved children and was adored by all who knew her. Bobby was a great big guy and sorta scary to me as a little girl, but watching him and Myrtle together was a lesson in what makes a happy marriage. They complemented each other beautifully. Bobby could get ticked off sometimes [he once shot the TV] but he didn't scare Myrtle. She'd tell him right quick he needed to get with the program. They loved to travel and were devoted to their three children and grandchildren.
Above, Don's wedding. From left: Papaw, Memaw, Don, Jane, Jane's mother and brother. Below, Bobby and Myrtle with their son Robert.
The Thompson uncles were very different in some ways from the Hasty uncles - preferring a good stiff drink over a glass of iced tea, for instance. However, Lewis and Bobby Thompson both had long and happy marriages.
Lewis and Evalyn lived in Roanoke Virginia and Lewis taught Art at Hollins College for 35 years. He and Evalyn had the only marriage not of opposites, but it worked. Evalyn took care of him beautifully and was a gourmet cook. [To be fair, all my aunts were good cooks.] She knew a lot about Art, and understood the demands of his career. She created a comfortable home filled with lovely things and interesting people, and he adored her. I remember once she took a trip to see one of her sisters and was gone several weeks, and when she came home Lewis had been using the same bath towel the entire time she was gone. She asked him why he didn't just get a clean towel out of the linen closet? He replied he had no idea where clean towels were located. They had lived in the house 20+ years at that time. Lewis had a genius level IQ but like most geniuses he was a bit absent-minded.
Lewis and Evalyn, right / below, Bobby and Diddy
Bobby and Diddy [she was his second wife but they were married for 50+ years] were like the Hasty uncles - He was a big, slow-talking, easygoing guy, and Diddy was/is [still going strong at 86] the yin to his yang, a feisty little lady. They lived in North Augusta, in a house where Diddy still lives. Both were teachers. Bob loved to play golf and was a wonderful grandfather. Diddy has always been greatly involved with her grandchildren, is a fantastic gardener and flower arranger, and stays active. She still likes to do church activities and go to parties, and hosts friends every year for the Master's. I couldn't picture her without him, but after he died she soldiered on and has stayed very active and civic-minded. I think she will outlive everyone in that age group.
Just as an outsider, what strikes me about all these marriages is that the folks involved respected each other. I don't think that's a popular notion nowadays but I think it's important. That respect manifested in a lot of ways. I never heard any of my aunts and uncles or my grandparents say ugly things about their spouses. I never saw any sort of abuse. I saw a lot of laughter, and a lot of shared viewpoints and opinions. My aunts largely spoiled their husbands with love and devotion, but their husbands were, in turn, very caring and considerate of their wives. I know times weren't always rosy - we are talking about normal humans here - but they all worked things out.
I feel very fortunate and blessed to have spent a lot of time around my aunts and uncles. I know what a beautiful thing a long marriage can be. Not perfect, not always smooth sailing, but a willingness to stay the course together, despite difficulties and even heartbreaks.
It gives me hope and contentment to think on this topic. Marriages can be really beautiful. [FYI - there are few divorces among my generation, and several of my cousins have been married than 30 years now.]
Prayers go out to Uncle Don, dealing with a bleeding ulcer, and Aunt Jane. Y'all please pray too.