There's a great line from an old movie that has always resonated with me, said by a young man who falls in love unexpectedly with a young woman of another race and class: You're everything I never knew I always wanted.
I was thinking about that last night as I was saying my prayers before sleep. I always pray for everyone I love right before I go to sleep. It's part of my sleep ritual. (I was trying to explain to Michael the other day why a sleep ritual is important, but he looked at me like you old fuddy duddy...) I ask God every night to just look out for and guide everyone, because that's what I feel is the right way to pray.
What I wanted to explore this morning is the idea that telling God what you want, specifically, is pretty arrogant and often leads to dissatisfaction. It's taken me years to learn that. Years and years and lots of tears, as the song might say.
I think Atheists and possibly even agnostics use the idea of unanswered prayers as proof God doesn't exist. I would argue that God always answers ALL prayers, but he does it in his own time and in his own way, and it's not up to us to dictate to him.
For example, when I turned 40 I knew I was running out of time to be a mother. I wasn't married.I was in a relationship that I knew wasn't going to lead to marriage. I wanted to be married before I had children. My ovaries weren't getting any younger. The whole situation was hopeless and depressing. I simply told God I wanted a family and I needed a miracle, and then I LET IT GO. Within a couple of years I became a mom to Alesia, and a couple of years later I adopted Michael.
I THOUGHT what was going to happen was that I was going to get married and get pregnant. God didn't see it that way. His solution worked out better. Much better.
God knows the inner recesses of our hearts far better than we do. He knows what needs to happen if we are to be content, or even happy. We are flawed, fearful, and fallible. God is not. I also think of the world as a huge million-piece puzzle and within each piece there are a million more pieces. The complexity is mind-boggling - to us humans.
I was thinking the other day about a lady Mom told me about when I was adopting Alesia, an older friend of Mother's who lived in Augusta and I think was in her garden club. This lady had never married or had children. She reached middle age and had to quit her job to take care of her mother who was in bad health. She wrote me the sweetest note and said she was praying that my adoption would go through, and she had asked all her friends to pray. She explained that when she was young, she had wanted to be a mother, but single women simply didn't adopt children. I remember thinking what a sad and miserable life, just taking care of an old lady, with no husband or kids to help.
I knew as soon as I got Alesia home other dreams would come true, like a big house, a handsome husband, a brilliant writing career. I was on a roll, finally!
God in his infinite wisdom taught me a lot of lessons related to those thoughts.
First, Mom and I bought a house together. Second, Mom has gradually needed my help more and more in the past few years, and so I have become a caretaker, too. It's not a terrible life. I don't feel put-upon or unlucky. Her companionship more than makes up for whatever imposition it might be to care for her. We have to watch our pennies carefully, but I have time to write now, and my writing efforts have paid off. Working as a writer and editor now is a dream come true. I don't care about being a best-selling author - I don't have the ability to travel right now, and that's no big deal. I love my home.
Mother lived alone for 9 years, but she got tired of taking care of a big house in Augusta, and doing everything for herself. I was an answer to her prayer to not live alone the rest of her life. She was an answer to my prayer for help as a single mom.
My kids wanted a family. I am the answer to their prayers. I wanted children. They are answers to my prayers.
We are all inter-dependent on one another.
I was thinking yesterday as I sat on the back patio watching the birds in the backyard, Lola asleep at my feet, feeling the sunshine on my face, hearing the wind in the trees - this is everything I never knew I always wanted. This is contentment.
Thank you God.
