The Crab Chronicles

Funeral Food

The 20th anniversary of my dad's death is quickly approaching [July 11th] and reading Catherine's blog about Hash Brown Casserole got me to thinking about funerals and food and how we do things in the South.

In my experience, I've never seen a church hold a reception after a funeral. I know it's done. I've just not seen it. Every funeral I've ever attended was at a church, and afterwards those close to the family went back to the house and carried some food to share, and there was a potluck post-funeral gathering.

When you're mourning you don't feel like cooking. You want to be comforted by lovely homemade food from other people, people who genuinely care about you and who also [you hope] can cook.

On Dad's side of the family there is usually a fair amount of post-funeral drinking, too, but that was more common in the older generations. I am part of the wine and beer generation, thanks be to God.

When Dad died there was a relative who showed up who was an in-law, and none of us ever liked her. She married one of Dad's cousins. There was a good bit of consternation as to how to get away from her and get back to the house without her following anyone. She had never been to my parents' house and we didn't want her there. I know that sounds mean, but outside St. Paul's after the funeral she screamed and carried on like Dad was her dearest friend in the world and I'm quite sure she hadn't seen him in at least ten years. She grabbed me and crushed me to her bosom until I thought I was going to pass out from the fumes. I am pretty sure she had been drinking. Her makeup sure looked like she had...

Anyway, we made it back to my parents house and she didn't follow, thank goodness. My mom was under enough of a strain.

My dad was a member of Rotary, very active in the church, and had sat on boards of a number of organizations around town. So there were more than 300 people at the funeral, and at least a hundred at the house afterwards. Lots of folks to feed.

We got so many platters of food which apparently came from the grocery store deli, we could have made sandwiches for a thousand people. That's OK. We also got some fried chicken that was edible, but a lot of the food was just a mystery, or inedible, or it had been made by people who couldn't cook.

My mother had a friend who simply could.not.cook. An invitation to eat at her house was always stressful. How to say no without appearing mean? She had no taste buds and did not believe in "disguising" the taste of vegetables with seasonings. When she brought food after Dad died, my brother and I carefully and quietly marked it, put it in the fridge, and after she left we tossed it in the garbage. A lot of the food had gone home with various cousins that lived in Augusta, after the fridge and freezers were filled, but we didn't want to re-gift that horrible food to anyone. The suffering would have been compounded.

One friend brought a sandwich platter covered with edible glitter.

Weird.

One of the kindest and most thoughtful food gifts after Dad died came from a neighbor down the street we really didn't know well. She brought small loaf pans filled with wonderful homemade macaroni and cheese. We froze some and ate some. It was the perfect comfort food and I've always been grateful to her.

When my grandfather died in 1972 lots of folks brought cakes and casseroles but nobody brought any meat. My mother was horrified. Thereafter, whenever taking food to grieving people, my mom always included dishes with MEAT. Grief requires protein, is her belief. (I'm not sure what would have happened if she had ever felt called to take food to a vegetarian. Probably a baked bean dish of some sort, or macaroni and cheese...)

I have already told Mom when she dies I do not want to go through the ordeal of a formal funeral service. I will have her cremated [as she wishes] and I will invite close friends and relatives to a small memorial potluck gathering. We will tell stories about her and celebrate her life, and play music, and EAT. At some point I will put her ashes in the ocean. (Or possibly in the creek behind our house, depending on whether or not I can afford a beach trip...)

Since my mother is very fond of beef, in all forms, we will eat beef, in her honor. Possibly hamburgers on the grill, or roast beef sandwiches. In any event, our mourning will include plenty of protein.

I hope I will be able to eat. I hope someone will bring something decadently chocolate.

 

my great-grandmother Jennie McMillan and her family [has nothing to do with funerals but I like the photo]

Twenty Questions With Steve Dietz

I recently connected to an old high school classmate, Steve Dietz, on LinkedIn. The other day I got one of those notices about a work anniversary. I discovered Steve works for an extraordinary company, Food Donation Connection. The company matches up restaurants and food vendors with charitable organizations helping hungry people. It’s a wonderful idea. Did you know that most leftover food is thrown in landfills or dumpsters? Tons of food go to waste every day, while people go hungry. The company has a massive outreach, although there are only 40 employees.

According to a fascinating article about the company - Farragut Company Coordinates Millions of Pounds of Food Donations - “Last year, 13,880 businesses donated 35 million pounds of food to 7,908 agencies.”

How does the company coordinate everything? From their website:

Food Donation Connection administers these programs through the use of an efficient communication and reporting network. Program responsibilities include linking donor locations with food rescue groups or those feeding the needy, assisting in the development of product quality and handling standards, tax valuation, donation reporting and ongoing monitoring and follow-up to ensure program implementation and growth.

Food Donation Connection does not compete with non-profits for the limited funding that is currently available from government and private sources. Instead, our funding comes from a small portion of our donor partners incremental tax savings that is earned from properly saving and donating their surplus food. In exchange for this funding, we coordinate all aspects of our donor partner’s food donation programs.

Here in Atlanta many agencies benefit from Food Donation Connection. For instance: “TheAtlanta Community Food Bank – we know them very well.”

Steve and I talked about the well-known places that are big donors, like the Darden Group of restaurants. “Every Olive Garden and Red Lobster donates.”

Steve is very proud of his company. “Last year Regions Bank named us business of the year.”

I admire the fact that Steve’s company is filling such a critical need. In a country as rich as America, nobody should go hungry.

Steve has had a varied and active career, but he now lives just north of Atlanta, in Canton. His company is headquartered in Knoxville. “My wife is president of Reinhardt University. We love North Georgia. It’s so much like East Tennessee.” (Gentle rolling mountains)

Steve and I had a nice chat about Reinhardt University, which has a connection to my family. (My mom’s maiden name was Hasty – there are Hastys all over the Canton area, and they are all my relatives!) I have a distant cousin, attorney Billy Hasty, who is on the Board of Trustees and who has been a generous donor to Reinhardt. (The Student Life Center is actually called The Hasty Student Life Center.)

Although North Georgia is home now, Steve and his wife still have a lake house in the East Tennessee area, and he says “I’m usually up there once a month or so, for an event or something.” His son lives in Knoxville.

I enjoyed catching up with Steve, and he was generous with his time. Here are his answers to my standard Twenty Questions:

What is your full name?

Stephen Putnam Dietz. My middle name is from an ancestor who was a famous general in civil war.

Where would you live, if you could live anywhere in the world?

Where I live now, North Georgia. I love the topography – our campus is 525 acres and has 2 small lakes. I love the trees and mountains. [His wife Kina Mallard is president of Rhinehart University].

What is your favorite movie and why?

Up – the Pixar movie it’s good feel good movie.

What was your least-favorite subject in school when you were a kid?

Probably Math.

What was your nickname when you were a kid?

Didn’t have one.

Do you believe in God?

Yes

What sound or noise do you love?

Water

If you could do anything other than what you do, as a profession, what would it be?  

Probably work for nonprofits.

If heaven exists, what do you think it is like?

I do believe it exists; it’s pure peace and tranquility.

Do you have siblings?

Tom Dietz, 2 years older.

What is your favorite memory of childhood [something specific]?

Swimming on the Crestwood Hills swim team. [Note: I swam for Gulf Park and Crestwood Hills was our big rival.]

If you had to choose between one week traveling around the USA by car, or one week traveling around Europe on a train, which would you choose and why?

I have not seen a lot of Europe. I like the off the beaten path view of the world. In fact we are looking to plan a rail trip next year. I’d like to visit Italy, Germany, and Amsterdam.

What inspires you?

People that genuinely give of themselves to help others with no expectations of anything in return.

Which holiday do you prefer, Christmas or July 4th?

Christmas.

What project or idea are you most passionate about, right now?

Getting in to know the people of North Georgia. Typically we have 1-2 functions 7 nights a week. I’ve committed a ton to it. I am expected to be at functions and entertain people. [Since his wife is president of Reinhardt University and they live on the campus.] We both love that.

Before I met my wife I was not involved with kids at all but now that we live here and I know lots of students I am going to tell you, there’s a lot of hope out there, so that’s a good thing. There’s so much good and we live in it. At graduation we were sad, because we knew so many of the students and they were like our kids.

Do you know how to cook?  Absolutely I’ve always cooked since I was about 10 years old.

What is your favorite thing to cook/eat? Smoking meat, brisket; I’ve got a really good smoker.

If you could go on vacation anywhere in the world, for 2-4 weeks, all expenses paid, where would you go and why?

I would love to go to Italy – the culture, history and food.

Who do you love the most in the world?

My wife and kids.

What question has nobody ever asked you, but you wanted to answer? [he couldn’t think of one]

above, Steve and his wife Kina

Cow Poop

A couple of months ago I sent Michael out to buy me some cow manure at Home Depot. He came home with only 2 bags. He was really angry about something that day - I don't recall what -  and I put one bag of poop in my back veggie garden, one in the flower garden, but there was none available for the side garden.

Now guess what?

My back veggie garden, adjacent to the back patio, is doing fine; a few yellow leaves but nothing too worrisome. My side garden is a sea of yellow leaves - everything is getting eaten up by aphids, much to my sadness. I've tried several things to remedy the situation, including live ladybugs, but to no avail. I hate using chemical pesticides. Nobody wants to eat pesticides.

Conclusion: poop grows food best.

My dad swore by cow manure. He and Mom grew awesome veggies all summer, at every house where they lived except the last one, in Augusta.

You can learn more fascinating facts about cow manure here.

above, my great-grandfather William Dozier Hasty and one of his prize cows

IN OTHER NEWS:

Mom is recuperating well, three weeks to the day after her fall. She's not 100% and needs to walk more, but overall she's doing well.

I had a nasty stomach virus this past weekend and it had me feeling awful for two days and semi-awful for two days. Stubborn thing. Ugh. Talked to the lady at the dog grooming place and she said "Yeah, that stomach thing is going around." [Just once in my life I'd like to hear "Ooooh, nobody else in town has THAT!"]

We are already into the yucko hot weather, highs in the 90's. This is the type weather where I don't leave the house from about noon until 7-8 p.m. if I can help it.

Pray for my uncle Don, who is having hernia surgery today. He's 85.

Choose Wisely

Mom called me in her room the other day and told me that Tom B_____ had died. She had tears in her eyes. I knew it was a difficult thing to tell me, because Tom had been a big part of her life before she married my dad, and they had re-connected not long ago.

You see, many years ago, Tom was ready to marry Mom, and yet my dad beat him to it.

Mom was a beauty, and she fielded several marriage proposals, while still in college. It was 1956, and she was dating both Tom and Dad - pretty common, back then. Dad proposed first.

above, Mom [on the left] on a weekend in the mountains with a boyfriend

I have never dated someone and later regretted the breakup. I always look back and think whew, dodged a bullet there!

I think Mom has always wondered what her life would have been like if she had married Tom and stayed in Atlanta, instead of marrying my dad and moving to Augusta, and then Knoxville, and then back to Augusta. Dad came through with a wedding ring, Christmas of 1956, and she accepted his proposal. It wasn't merely a contest. She loved him. He loved her.

Tom married pretty quickly but then divorced and re-married a few years later. Mom kept up with him through mutual friends.

I was thinking about Tom this morning when I found his obituary, thinking about her choices.

Being married to my dad was - let's just say very difficult, at times. He had a lot of energy and was always a whirling dervish of activity, when he wasn't in the hospital with some medical issue. Dad only had two speeds. Neutral wasn't one of them. Mom's personality was/is much more laid-back. They were temperamental opposites.

I never met Tom but I suspect he was more calm than Dad.

Mom was 22 years old when she had to choose between the two men.

Did she make the right choice? I think so. Despite the ups and downs, my father adored her.

above, at their engagement party

I look back on a lot of life-changing choices I made in my early 20's, and wish I had chosen differently, but then again, I might not have adopted my kids if I had chosen differently.

Faith is the key. Now I always pray when I have a big choice to make. It's absolutely necessary.

I hope and pray my children choose good life partners. No other decision is as key to one's happiness.

Ten of My Life Hacks

I was thinking yesterday about the fact that one of the advantages of being over 50 is that by this time of life most folks have learned some good life "hacks" [I really prefer the word "tips"] that make life simpler and easier.

My mother inadvertently prepared me for life as a paralegal because she always writes reminder notes and makes lists. Right now on her computer there are sticky notes with the phone numbers of me, Michael, and Bruce, and reminders to herself to pray for certain folks. Looks a bit messy but so what? She has everything right there.

So, I thought I'd share some hacks I actually use all the time. If you have a good one, drop me a comment and share it.

Medication - I put my Synthroid, that I take every day, right in front of my computer monitor. That way I never miss taking it. I put my vitamins right in front of my place at the kitchen table. Never miss that either.

Preparation H - Don't laugh. If you have an itchy bug bite, or anything on your body itches, try Preparation H. It's been around a long time for a reason.

Socks for Dusting - I can never seem to find a Swiffer duster when someone calls and says they are coming over shortly. So grab a pair of socks from the drawer, put one on each hand, and run around dusting. Works great.

Nature Valley Protein Bars - I've tried to cut out most highly processed food from my diet but this one I cannot give up. Each bar has 10 grams of protein and only 6 grams of sugar. I always have one in my purse for emergencies. When I get nervous, one of these bars calms me down.

Clorox for the toilet - Keep a large bottle of Clorox in the bathroom and when you don't have time to clean it but it's a bit... odiferous, pour some Clorox there and let it sit.

Skillet Cleaning - Few things are harder to clean than a skillet. I keep 3 on my stove at all times. Easiest way to clean them is to put water in the bottom and turn the light to medium, and let the water heat up for a couple of minutes. Then wipe them out with paper towels. If you want them super clean put a drop or two of detergent in there.

Hydrangeas - I used to envy my neighbor [who is a landscaper] his amazingly beautiful blue hydrangeas. Mom told me to put some white vinegar in a 2 liter bottle [like, half a cup] and fill up the rest of the container with water, then pour it under the hydrangea. Now the blooms are gorgeous.

Jehovahs witnesses - It never fails that they come around on Saturdays when I am busy doing something or getting ready to go somewhere. Mother likes to just smile and say "We are devout Episcopalians!" - which usually leads to looks of puzzlement. So now if I get cornered or inadvertently open the door I just smile and say "We are devout catholics!" That word is totally clear. It ends the conversation without being rude. [And we ARE catholics with a small "C"]

Instant Sauces – I didn't learn until recently how to make real gravy, because until Mom stopped cooking she did the cooking of things like country fried steak. However, we have a super easy way to make "gravy" for almost any meat - Campbell’s soup soup plus sour cream. I mix a can of cream of chicken plus 1 cup of sour cream, spread on chicken in a pan and bake it. Yum. You can use cream of mushroom soup and sour cream for beef.

If you have chicken nuggets and no dipping sauce, mix up ranch dressing and parmesan cheese. Yum. Use real parmesan though, not the canned stuff.

Packing - When I was traveling the world a lot in 2003-2007, I learned the best possible way to pack clothes is to roll them up tightly. That way they don't get wrinkles or weird creases. [Just realized I could write a whole blog on travel hacks...]

I think Lola looks adorable on my new bedspread..

Progress

There is no real news to report but I wanted to post something and reassure regular readers that I am still here and we are fine. Mother is making loads of progress and getting stronger every day. We are still having the night nurses but hopefully not for much longer.

I do not have much work to do right now, which is good and bad. Good, since Mom needs me. Bad, because obviously we need the money.

My garden is going down in flames, just like last year. Yellow leaves everywhere, although we do have a bumper crop of tomatoes and lots of green beans. Still trying to figure out the reason for the yellow leaves..

The car I drive needs $900 worth of work and I've got to get it fixed next week.

I was distressed to learn recently that one of my cousins on Mom's side has heart issues. We all have weird heart arrhythmias and some of us have pacemakers, including myself. Bruce inherited mom's weird inability to retain potassium but he's an expert on food sources of potassium.

I keep seeing friend's posts on Facebook and trying not to be jealous they all get to go to the beach or the lake. I haven't had a vacation in 6 years.

Life is a struggle right now, but it's doable. Faith helps a lot.

As my mom likes to say "Everyone carries around their own box of rocks." Yep, that's the way it is.

 

Sandwiched In

To say that the past week has been stressful would be an understatement of epic proportions. It's like saying "Niagara Falls is a little bit wet." While it has really been a difficult week, I have learned some things.

One thing I have learned is that it's OK to get upset and cry. I spent some time yesterday afternoon sobbing. I am not really a cryer, but after not sleeping well for days and then having to deal with Michael being obnoxious, it was all too much for me. [Overall, he has been great since Granny fell, but yesterday he wanted to tell me I didn't know what I was talking about and it just got on my last nerve.]

Part of the obnoxiousness of teenagers is they think THEY know everything, and grownups are idiots.

As I write this I am sipping an Emergen-C vitamin drink and praying I don't get sick again. After the 3 week sinus/ear infection ordeal that ruined most of May for me, I do not need a relapse. I was coughing a lot two days ago. Today the nose is running. [Help! I gotta catch it! That's enough exercise for one day..]

I do believe in the power of Vitamin C, praise God. It's like a little nuclear reactor of power for the immune system.

To recap: Exactly one week ago I was horrified to wake up and find my mother lying on the floor of her bathroom. She had been there for several hours. Michael wasn't home. Lola was sound asleep on the family room sofa and should have heard her.

We have now reluctantly had to accept the fact that Lola's hearing is really impaired. Mom has a strong voice and Lola should have hear her calling. Mom even called her name a bunch of times. She was not far from where Lola was sleeping. Our last dog, Coco, would have barked her head off if Mom had fallen. She DID bark, a lot, when Mom fell and broke both shoulders in 2005.

Lola, despite her long and velvety ears, which are her cutest feature, sleeps very deeply and often I have to go put the leash on her when she is asleep and gently pull her to get her to go outside. I think she is getting most of her information visually or from vibrations on the ground.

Mother is a lot better but still not 100%. People who are 82 don't make speedy recoveries, unfortunately.

I have learned about a new medicine for arthritis and/or deep bruises. My cousin/BFF Lesleigh came over for dinner Sunday night and brought a homeopathic remedy called Arnica. We've been applying it to the worst of Mom's bruises and it has definitely helped.

Arnica (Arnica montana) has been used for medicinal purposes since the 1500s and is still popular today. Applied to the skin as a cream, ointment, liniment, salve, or tincture, arnica has been used to soothe muscle aches, reduce inflammation, and heal wounds. It is commonly used for injuries, such as sprains and bruises.

I have definitely learned to be more patient. I don't know how nurses do what they do. My admiration and respect for them has gone up dramatically.

I hope Mother will continue to heal quickly and will be back to her normal health - or even in better health - soon. We are all praying for that.

Most of the time I handle being a caregiver just fine. Right now I feel squeezed, though. Michael is still "climbing fool's hill" as my grandmother would say, and running us a bit crazy. He's a good kid though.

I am keeping on keeping on..