The Crab Chronicles

Living With a Senior Citizen

When my mother and I decided to share a house in 2005, it was because I had just adopted my daughter and I wanted a house with a yard. Mother had lived alone for 9 years after my father died, and she wanted to get out from under the burden of taking care of a large house with a pool, and of course be near to her only grandchild.

We looked for several months before finding this house, and felt fortunate to get this one, because it's in an established neighborhood and good schools are within walking distance. Also, Mom has a big room and private bath on the first floor, in her own area of the house. When the kids were running around and being loud she could shut her door and have her peace, which was crucial to her happily sharing the house with us.

Mom was instrumental in co-parenting my daughter and then my son, for years. My daughter was 13 when I brought her home in 2005, and Michael was 10 when he was adopted in 2007. She kept them when I was working, took them shopping and out to eat, helped with homework, helped with learning English, and more. I'm sure she never dreamed that in her 71st year she would be taking on such a challenge but I think it invigorated her. I know the children benefited greatly from having Granny around. They both adore her.

 

As time has passed and the children have grown up and left home, Mother has gotten increasingly less mobile, due mainly to arthritis and some asthma issues. My role has changed to more of a caretaking one, and that's okay. I can work from home and take care of her.

Mom is 83 now.

Issues arise all the time.

She was recently prescribed a new medication, Eliquis, for atrial fibrillation. Getting the pills out of the packaging is a nightmare. The doctor gave us several packages of it, for her to try, and the company that makes it apparently has no clue that older folks might have trouble digging all those little pills out of the packaging. Heck, I'm 54 and I have trouble getting those blasted pills out! It's really tough to get MOST of her pills out of the packaging, which is just ridiculous.

A few years ago she had big issues with edema in her legs, so every morning I put what used to be called "support hose" on her lower legs, so I put CircAid compression wrappings on her lower legs, then help her get dressed. I also fix her meals and she mostly eats in her room, but she comes out sometimes. She has fallen a couple of times over the years and mobility is an issue.

When Mom fell in 2005, shortly after we moved here, she broke both shoulders. After a hospital stay we had to put her in a rehab place for several weeks. I remember seeing old people in other rooms just sitting and staring at the TV like zombies, no family member or caregiver around, and I vowed that my mother would not be like that, if I could help it. She recuperated very well from the fall and went on to be very helpful to me for years afterwards, with the kids.

However, now she is the one needing care.

Because I have been a caregiver now for several years, I wanted to offer some practical advise for people in similar situations to mine. Of course, every situation is different, depending on the senior's physical condition and a lot of other factors, but these are some tips that you might find useful.

Now, before I start let me say that Mother, although she has mobility issues, is still mentally very sharp.

1. Don't fear technology. Mother has bad arthritis in her hands, so although she has been an avid reader for many years -- 2-4 books a week -- it was getting increasingly difficult for her to manage books. So we got her a Kindle a few years ago. Just about 6 months ago a friend of mine sold me his newer, updated Kindle. It's a godsend. It weighs very little, and Mom doesn't have to hold heavy books. Now, it has taken time for her to get used to it and she often hits the screen and throw the typeface out of whack, but I fix it for her. Mother also loves to be on her computer, and she Facebooks and emails and Googles a LOT. I haven't gotten her comfortable with YouTube yet, but we'll get there.
2. Food will lose it's taste. This one surprised both Mother and me. She says food just has very little taste any more. We have experimented a bit, and what she loves are tomatoes and spicy tomato juice. She can taste those things. It's just a part of aging, albeit an annoying one for her. I get Mexican food once a week for her. Help your senior figure out what foods still have taste, and fix those for him/her.
3. Get a healthcare directive asap. Some years ago these were called "living wills." I was working part time for an attorney who does wills a few years ago, and she drafted an Advanced Directive for Healthcare [or words to that effect; I can't recall exactly what it was called] for Mom, and a new Will. Mother's advance directive is very clear on what she wants done in case she becomes incapacitated. If there are end of life decisions, her advanced directive expresses her wishes clearly. THIS IS CRITICAL. No matter what state you are in, get one of these for your senior. Get it done by a good attorney, too, don't use one of those do-it-yourself kits - that may not hold up in court. Really, every adult needs one. You never know when you could be injured and put on life support. If a physician does NOT have such a directive, he/she is obligated to follow a different protocol, which may mean keeping the patient alive artificially for YEARS. Make sure all doctors have a copy of the Advanced Directive. We also keep a copy in Mom's purse, in case she has to go to the hospital suddenly.
4. Get familiar with products to help older folks. Mom has several "grabbers" near her at all times, because bending down to pick up something from the floor is very difficult. You can check a website and order one of these, or just look at the drugstore. Walgreens and CVS seems to offer a lot of good products. Mom also uses a stool in the bathroom, an extended arm hairbrush, and rubber grips on the doorknobs. We also keep LED touch lights near her for in case the electricity goes out. Flashlights are too heavy for her. We are always looking for products that make life less difficult for her.
5. Get a life alert device. When Mother fell in 2005 she was alone in the house and she was on the floor several hours before I realized she hadn't picked up Alesia from school, and I left work, picked up Alesia and got home. The dog was barking frantically but it was a terrifying and painful experience for Mother, with both shoulders broken. As a result of that ordeal, after she came home from rehab we got her a bracelet she could wear which has an emergency button to push if she falls and can't get up on her own. Last year, she fell on the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night and we realized she needed to wear her bracelet every night, not just when she is here alone. Fortunately, she didn't break anything or have to be hospitalized, but she was very bruised and needed a lot of care for several weeks.
6. Hearing issues. Mother has some hearing loss, but she is adamant about not getting a hearing aid. They are expensive and fragile. She has a friend whose dog swallowed a very expensive hearing aid right before a trip, causing all sorts of turmoil. I understand why Mom doesn't want a hearing aid. I just am still figuring out the right level of loudness to use when speaking to her.
7. Soft Foods. As Mother's teeth have deteriorated, it has been suggested she get dentures, which she refuses -- and I don't blame her. Expensive and a pain to keep clean, she would rather get by with her remaining teeth. (Her teeth just fall out occasionally, but we laugh about it.) I have just had to adjust my cooking a bit. Something chewy like a steak is just not edible for her. For vegetables, I generally boil them until tender, then add seasonings and puree. I boiled a head of cauliflower the other night until it was soft, then used a hand blender to puree it, and added cheese, garlic salt, onion powder. For meats, low and slow is the rule. Any beef or pork roast is cooked in the oven at a low temp for hours, or in the crock pot. She hates chicken. Usually once a week I make a meat loaf or swiss steak and she eats it for dinner several nights that week, and I eat chicken on those nights. Or I poach salmon filets in white wine and herbs.
8. Medication and doctor visits. I keep up with her pills and fix her "pill box" every week. Every morning I empty her pills into a little dish and she takes them during the day. I also order refills on the prescriptions and get them from the pharmacy. Getting them out of the packages can be a challenge. I don't know what older folks do that don't have a younger caregiver. Mother sees a doctor who specializes in Gerontology, and he is such a blessing to her. He understands the issues unique to older folks, like not being over-medicated, and he takes time to really talk to her and listen to her. I urge anyone over 65 to see a gerontologist.
9. Faith is critical. Mother has a strong faith in God and reads her Jesus calling devotional book almost every day. Church is too difficult for her, but she did get to Michael's baptism a few years ago (photo above). It's important for anyone at the end of life to have faith that death is not just the end of everything. We don't believe it is. We believe in heaven, and Mother believes she will one day be reunited with my dad, her parents, etc. Talking about prayer, and faith, and getting to church (if possible) is so important. It's really critical to allay fears and keep a positive attitude.
10. Family and friend visits. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is for any older person to have regular visits from family members. Mom cannot get in the car and go visit anyone, so I try to get my brother, cousins, and others to come in as much as possible and visit with her. A senior who is alone and who doesn't have regular social interaction is probably going to have a very poor quality of life. If your senior can get out, great. If not, try to make sure they get visits as much as possible -- with people they love and/or like, obviously. Mom loves a good joke and humor is a key to happiness. We laugh all the time about silly things, like when I say something and she hears something entirely different.

Most important, like all of us, older folks need love and affection. Hugs are important. I never say goodnight to Mom without saying "I love you." If she dies in her sleep, I want those to be the last words she heard from me. The last time I saw my dad, the last words I said to him were "I love you." After he died I was so glad those were the last words he heard from me. SO IMPORTANT.

Mom got her first pair of prescription glasses a few weeks ago, at age 83! She says it's much easier to see the TV and computer now.

Twenty Questions With Art Black

A few years ago I was contacted by a writer in  Alabama who was interested in my grandfather Bob Hasty's experiences playing for the Birmingham Barons from about 1928-31. While he was there, the Barons went to what was basically the World Series of baseball in the south, at that time, the 1931 Dixie League championship. Papa pitched in that, against a young Dizzy Dean.

The writer, Art Black, and I corresponded a lot by email and eventually he let me know his book was published. It's a beautiful book, well researched, Showdown at Rickwood. Here's more about it: "The dramatic 1931 Dixie Series between the Birmingham Barons and the Houston Buffaloes serves as the backdrop of the newly published book Showdown at Rickwood. Written by local author Art Black, the book focuses not only baseball culture in the Magic City, but explores as well the social and economic climate of the Birmingham district as it was evolving into a major industrial center during the early decades of the 20th century. Through World War I, the Roaring Twenties, and the onset of the Great Depression, Birmingham and its citizens weathered the turbulence of national and international events. In the midst of this unrest, many found respite in the calming rhythms of the national pastime." [from the press release]

I wanted to interview Art Black about his book and his fascination with baseball history. He's a fascinating guy, and an excellent researcher and writer. Although now retired, he has been a technical writer and a sports information writer for Furman University and Wofford College in South Carolina. This is his first book, and it represents 6 1/2 years of meticulous (and sometimes tedious) research and writing. He looked through microfilm for many hours to learn the facts presented in the book.

However, I want to emphasize that Showdown at Rickwood is also about a period of time in American history and the history of Birmingham [Alabama]. Art explains, "My idea about the book was to make it more about the people, and not a year-by-year, game-by-game kind of thing. I think that's what people like, to feel invested in the characters."

Personal stories abound in the book, and they are fascinating.

 

What got you interested in The Birmingham Barons?

As a teen, in the late 1960s, early 70s, I loved going to games at Rickwood Field in Birmingham, Alabama.  It is now America’s oldest ball park.  Before I was old enough to drive, I had to beg someone to take me to games – a next-door neighbor, my father, or grandfather.  After I got my driver’s license, I usually went by myself. 

What got you interested in writing Showdown at Rickwood? [click on the link for purchase information]

They celebrated Rickwood Field’s 100^th birthday with an event in August 2010.  Allen Barra, a noted writer and author, had just published a book about Rickwood Field, and I wanted to meet him.  I told Allen I wanted to write a book about Rickwood.  He said, “There’s one book still out there – the industrial leagues.”  Back in the 1910s, 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s, baseball was THE sport in America and vital to the social and cultural life of every city.  Companies, large and small, had baseball teams for their employees to play on.  There were leagues of these teams, and the industrial league games were written up in the newspaper.  I think that’s fine, but it’s not what I wanted to write a book about.  Days after I met Allen Barra, I began looking at newspaper microfilm in the library, beginning with 1950 and going further back in time.  I said to myself: If I go back to the 1930s, the newspaper won’t have much coverage about baseball, but it did.  Then I said, If I go back to 1912, they won’t have much coverage.  But you know what?  They did.  It seemed the further back I went, the better the coverage.

Were you able to speak with anyone who attended any of those games?

I interviewed the Birmingham Barons batboy from 1950, but that story is on the cutting room floor.  A year after I interviewed him, I refined the time period of my book to cover the years 1910 to 1931.  I’ll include the batboy in the next book, as I move ahead in time.

What was the hardest part of writing the book?

The tedium.  I scrolled through newspaper microfilm, day by day, page by page, year by year, of two newspapers for my time period, 1910-1931, not just looking at sports but looking at national news, local news, editorials, letters to the editor.  I spent thousands of hours looking at microfilm.  Some days I didn’t take a single note.  On days that I found a gem of information – something I could use – it was all worthwhile.  The project - researching, writing, editing, and laying out the book - took six-and-a-half years.

Do you know anyone on the current Birmingham Barons roster?

No, I do not.  I don’t go to games much anymore.  I’m busy being productive in other ways.

Now that Showdown at Rickwood is finished, what’s your next project?

Over the past two years, as we edited and laid out the book, I never stopped researching.  Presently, I’m 15 years beyond my time period of 1910-1931, still looking at microfilm.  I intend to research through the 1950s and cover the 30 or 40 years after the time period of my present book.  Think about this: I have read in newspapers of the day about the sinking of the Titanic, World War I, the Roaring Twenties, Lindbergh flying across the Atlantic - a huge event, by the way, the stock market crash, the Great Depression, and World War II.  Unfortunately, one can’t read every story he comes across.  You’d get diverted from your main objective, which is searching for information to help you write the book.

The best way to buy the book?

Go to the website, [link]. You can email Art at [email protected] for an autographed copy.

 

THE STANDARD TWENTY QUESTIONS

What is your full name?

Arthur King Black, Jr.

Where would you live, if you could live anywhere in the world?

I’m happy where I am. I’ve decided that writing my next book is how I will live out my life, and I can’t research the topic living in another city.  If you forced me to answer your question, I’d say New York.  I might get tired of the hustle and bustle, but I’d like to give it a try.

What is your favorite movie and why?

I would go back to around 1980 and the movie “10.”  Bo Derek was beautiful.  Also from the time period, the Peter Sellers’ movie, “Being There,” because of its subtle humor, and a few years later, “Hoosiers,” a truly inspirational movie.

What was your least-favorite subject in school when you were a kid?

Math.  Doesn’t everyone say that?  I chose the liberal arts college I attended partly because it didn’t have a math requirement, if you can believe a college didn’t require you to take math.

What was your nickname when you were a kid?  I didn’t have one.  My name is Art, short for Arthur. When I played little league baseball, people in the stands yelled: “Come on, Artie, get a hit!”  I hated that nickname.

Do you believe in God? 

Someone’s watching over us.

What sound or noise do you love?

The purring and the mewing of a cat.

If you could do anything other than what you do, as a profession, what would it be? 

I admire truly intelligent people – for instance, the great scientists or the mathematicians, the people who have changed the world.  I would love to have been an astronaut, the first person to go to the moon.

If heaven exists, what do you think it is like?

Here’s what I hope: that we’ll be with our family members once again - parents and grandparents - when we were all young and vibrant.

Do you have siblings?

My mother had six children in nine years, three boys and three girls.

What is your favorite memory of childhood?

Collecting baseball cards and opening the package to find my first Mickey Mantle while visiting my grandmother in South Carolina, the summer of 1961.

If you had to choose between one week traveling around the USA by car, or one week traveling around Europe on a train, which would you choose and why?

Traveling Europe by train – all the history you’d see while someone else does the driving.

What inspires you?

Getting up every day at 4 o’clock in the morning and going to the gym, before the rest of the world wakes up, knowing I’ve done something good for myself, and the good feeling I have when the workout is over.

What project or idea are you most passionate about, right now?

Writing my next book.  It’s my life at the moment.  There’s so much to do and so little time to do it.

Do you know how to cook?

I know enough to prepare vegetables and rice to go with my meal.  I usually fix baked chicken, fish, or a frozen entrée, along with the vegetables. 

What is your favorite thing to cook/eat?

Turkey or anything Italian.  As a dessert, anything chocolate.

If you could go on vacation anywhere in the world, for 2-4 weeks, all expenses paid, where would you go and why?

I don’t have a desire to go anywhere at this stage of my life.  I guess I’m becoming a homebody in my old age.  Sad, isn’t it?

What question has nobody ever asked you, but you wanted to answer?

If you want something related to the book, then “Why did you write the book?”  My answer is: Not to sell books and not to make money.  It was something more personal.  I wanted to preserve the neat old stories that are in the book before they are lost to the dustbin of history.  As a corollary, I wanted to leave something behind after I’m gone.

To My Hard Working Mother

My mother has a blog, and when the spirit moves her, she writes and posts. Yesterday she posted a blog entitled Working Mothers. It occurred to me as I edited it and helped her re-write it a little bit that the term "working mother" is such a loaded term, and yet it shouldn't be.

I'm sure there are mothers who are wealthy enough to hire maids and nannies and they never have to stay up all night with a sick child or do any of the tasks that regular moms do, but I'm not speaking to those moms. Go in peace, super wealthy moms.

No, I've never known a mom like that, in real life. I only know moms who work really hard, whether at home or at work, or both.

When I was small, I only knew two moms who actually worked outside the home. Both had been divorced, which was not typical for that time. As divorce has become more commonplace, more and more moms work outside the home. Whether that is good or bad is another debate for another post. Most moms I know who work outside the home do so out of necessity.

Since I have been grown, my mother and I have had a lot of frank and fascinating discussions about why she chose to be a SAHM (Stay At Home Mom), and the criticism she sometimes took for that.

My grandmother raised mom the best she could, under difficult circumstances. During the Depression and World War II my grandfather took a lot of different jobs, and often my grandmother had to work outside the home, just to pay the bills. Mom often came home after school to a cold, empty house, where she was alone for several hours. She would often have to go down and start up the furnace of the house, by herself. The breakfast dishes were left on the table for her to do. During one period, during the war, she had to nurse her mother, who had fallen and pulled all the ligaments in her knee. Often, she was scared and lonely and felt overwhelmed, and she vowed one day that her children wouldn't have to know that same fear and anxiety. I'm not criticizing my grandparents. They did the best they could, and Mom had two brothers who came home to the empty house too, at least some of the time. I'm just trying to say how those feelings made a huge impression on Mother.

When Mother got pregnant with my brother she was forced to quit her teaching job. In those days [1959] a visibly pregnant teacher wasn't allowed to teach. Mother hated that, hated leaving her children to another teacher, mid year. However, after miscarrying her first child, she very much wanted my brother and wanted to have more children. She had planned on 4.

Mom and Dad had agreed, early on, that she would stay home and not teach when Bruce and I were growing up.They felt like the financial sacrifice was worth it.

By the mid 1970's, Mom was keenly aware that some other mothers, those who worked outside the home, saw her as an un-enlightened un-liberated throwback to an earlier age. They thought she sat around all day and watched soap operas and ate bon bons. She never watched a soap opera in her life, and the only TV I ever saw her watch during the day was the Watergate hearings. Any sweets in the house never lasted long with me and Bruce around.

Folks who were critical of her really had no idea how hard she worked.

Bruce and I were high-energy kids and we always had activities going [Scouts, piano lessons, dance, sports teams, etc.] and hauling us around was no picnic.

We helped around the house, and sometimes Dad would let her hire a maid for a brief time, but mostly it was up to her to cook and clean and watch after us. From the time of my birth until I finished high school she had the following medical issues to deal with, also: a hysterectomy, pneumonia [requiring a hospital stay], blood clots in her legs (another hospital stay), nursing Dad through surgery and ulcers and heart issues, nursing me through pneumonia and scarlet fever, her own migraine headaches, her terrible allergies which included bouts of hives, and dealing with several of Bruce's broken bones. Plus, her father died in 1972 and her mother had a massive stroke in 1976 and had to be put in a nursing home.

We also had a cat she was allergic to, and numerous dogs, whose care and feeding usually fell to her.

She and Dad also always gardened extensively, and our yards were always lovely. Most years she had a garden, too.

My father expected a hot meal, from scratch, on the table, every night. Running up to McDonald's for hamburgers or microwaving a frozen Hungry Man dinner for him were simply not options, and there was no pizza to be ordered or takeout food to be ordered. She had to plan her meals carefully and he expected good food. When she got married she had not known how to cook, and it took help from my aunts and grandmother to get her cooking skills up to speed.

Every day, when Bruce and I got home from school, we sat at the kitchen table with Mom and ate a snack, and talked about our days. Then we did homework, and she helped us if necessary. We were not alone or scared.I think the entire time I was growing up she wasn't home when we got home from school only maybe twice, just because she was stuck in traffic.

When I was 9, we bought a cabin on the lake, and for the next 7 summers we went to the lake every weekend. That involved hauling kids, dogs, food, etc. to a tiny cabin with no air conditioning, no dishwasher, and no phone, every Friday night, and going back every Sunday afternoon. It was an hour's drive there. Dad loved going up there. It was just a lot of extra work for Mom, though, and she didn't like swimming in the lake, where she couldn't see the bottom and occasionally snakes were seen in the water. She has often referred to those years as the hardest years of her life.

above, me and Bruce at the lake, abt 1973

Sometimes neighbors were extraordinarily insensitive. One woman expected Mother to take her child to medical appointments because the neighbor worked and, as she told Mother, "you're just over there not doing anything." Another neighbor expected Mom to keep her child after school every day, for free, because "oh she just loves your house." Mom was expected to do all the work as my Brownie troop leader with no help from other moms, and they wanted her to keep their kids and take them on outings and not bother them -- and some of those little girls were real brats.

She was usually the "room mother" because Bruce and I volunteered her, just about every year. So she had to supervise all the parties and outings for our classes, every year.

She also was always active in church, in women's activities and teaching Sunday School.

My father was a great person but it was not easy being his wife. He often brought home colleagues for dinner, with maybe 20 minutes' notice to Mom that she would have 1-3 extra mouths to feed. He liked to entertain and he expected the house to be spotless and the food to be gourmet quality and usually she couldn't hire a caterer or get any extra help. Dad also kept iron control over the checkbook, and Mother had to argue with him every time her children needed new clothes, or she did, or the dog had to go to the vet - basically any expense outside the weekly grocery bill, he gave her hell over. She was never told exactly how much money was in the checking account, but once a month he balanced it and ranted and raved she was spending too much money and driving us to the poorhouse. I usually hid in my room when he bellowed "Elva bring me the checkbook!" because I knew there would be a lot of shouting.

When I got to be a teenager I remember asking Mom why she didn't return to teaching. She had high blood pressure and migraine headaches and hives, frequently, but I thought she might enjoy working again. She kept her teaching certification current in Tennessee. She said Daddy didn't want her to work. He would say she didn't want to work. I finally just thought, I will stay out of it. Even after Bruce and I grew up, taking care of Daddy was not easy.

Another aspect of it was that he not only expected a hot, from scratch meal every night of the week, later in his career he liked Mother to travel with him, and she often went along on business trips, which would have been impossible had she had a job.

So even though my mom was not technically a "working mom," she really worked hard, long hours, even when she was sick, for no pay, and she put up with constant criticism from Dad, her own mother oftentimes, other moms, etc.

Mother could have chosen a singing career. She was beautiful, and she studied voice for years. She had sung in weddings, in choirs, in plays, for the USO, and she was a soloist with the Men's Glee Club at UGA. She chose to put that aside and be a wife and mother, and she's never told me she regretted that. However, I don't think Dad every really appreciated the sacrifice she made.

When she was in her 70's she moved over here to Atlanta to help me with my kids, and for several years there she basically helped me raise my kids, which was not easy. She tutored Michael every day for several summers, which allowed him to skip a grade.

So here's to my mother, Elva Hasty Thompson, the person I most love and admire. I thank you, Mom, for all your hard work and sacrifice. I am blessed to have you by my side, helping me with my family, supporting me and loving me and my children. I am proud to be your daughter.

The Peaceful Garden

This is the time of year when I get the biggest kick out of taking care of my gardens. I grew up thinking my parents were a bit crazy for planting gardens -- flowers, veggies, herbs, etc. I would shake my head in puzzlement when I saw my father just staring out at his yard, after work in the evenings. He always had to walk around the yard before we could eat dinner.

Now I totally understand it.

After a long day at the computer, I just want to walk around the yard, noticing new plants coming up in the garden, listening to the sound of birds, watching Lola nose around.

The enormous crab apple tree in my back yard has tiny crab apples on it. We don't eat them. I am debating telling a friend who has horses to come pick some but they are so sour I wouldn't want the horses to get ill?!

I am saving coffee grounds and eggshells to put around my plants, to enrich the soil and hopefully stave off insect attacks. I composted all winter to enrich the soil.

Composting has two benefits. One, it enriches the soil and encourages worms, and worms are great. Two, volunteers come up. I have tomatoes and potatoes coming up that are volunteers. I also have shoots popping up that I am pretty sure aren't weeds, but I haven't figured out what they are yet -- it's like a surprise gift, so cool.

Above is one of the fig trees my brother got me a couple of years ago. It didn't fare well over the winter. It dropped all leaves and looked like it was dead. Now it's blossoming all over the place, and has sprigs of mint popping up. I thought I had gotten rid of all the mint last year. What an idiot! Mint is harder to kill than kudzu.

My parents lived on Melton Hill Lake near Knoxville for years, and their next door neighbor had a huge yard. He was also a close friend. Mom and Dad planted some mint near the fence, on our side. It jumped over and started growing in Ed's yard -- everywhere. After a couple of years, it had proliferated to the point where every time Ed mowed the grass, the smell of mint overwhelmed the grass smell. It was like living on top of a huge piece of chewing gum.

I was doing some marketing writing last year and I was assigned to write 500 words on how to grow mint. That was an incredibly tough assignment. I wanted to just write, STICK IT IN THE GROUND AND WALK AWAY!

Below, the garden outside my back door, which I call my patio garden. I have another raised bed in my side yard, which I've just planted with seeds this year. Last year some awful insect infestation killed everything in the side garden so this year I didn't want to invest in seedlings. Michael helped me put new potting soil in there and I just planted seeds for beans, zucchini, cucumbers, and cantaloupe. The beans are already coming up. When things get a little bigger I will post a photo.

There's a piece in the Bitter Southerner that just was posted today and it's worth the time to read. Awesome article! The Queen Bee of Downtown Durham. Read it, y'all!

Encounters with Holyfield

I woke up and checked Facebook and one of my cousins posted this story: UGA's Elijah Holyfield arrested on drug charges in Athens. I didn't even know a Holyfield was playing for UGA.

Now, since it's his first offense [hopefully] he should get off pretty lightly, legally. How the football coach deals with it I don't know. I doubt that even casual marijuana use would be good for an athlete's health.

This is disturbing to me for a couple of very personal reasons that have nothing to do with football.

I should say, first of all, that boxing champion Evander Holyfield lives in Atlanta. I saw him once, years ago, [around 2001] when I was eating lunch at Houston's, a popular local restaurant. I got up to go to the restroom and passed him, walking. He is much smaller in person than what you see on TV. The website says he is 6'2 but he didn't seem that tall. However, he has an incredibly powerful presence. He was sitting at a really large round table with a lot of friends and they were obviously having a great time. Nobody was bothering them. We are pretty used to seeing celebs in Atlanta.

Nobody at the table with Holyfield was being loud or obnoxious. They were laughing and having a good time, though, and I just got the overall impression that Evander was a good guy with good folks around him. Evander is my age and also an Atlantan and I feel an affinity for him for those reasons, and because I have always loved the sport of boxing, since I started watching Muhammed Ali as a child.

A few years later I had another encounter, this one with his wife. I'm not sure which wife, to be honest, but it was round 2003-04.

When I knew I was going to adopt my daughter, I signed up to take Russian language classes at a small language school near my office. I went a couple of times a week, after work. I am good with languages [French and Italian] but Russian is wickedly difficult. I never really learned the alphabet, which is 36 letters and two sounds, unpronounceable to Americans I should add. I gave it my best effort. Finally my teacher, a young Russian woman, gave me a handout with a bunch of Russian "mommy" words and phrases, which was really helpful. I memorized all the phrases and muddled through that way until my daughter knew enough English. (Communication was very difficult for a while but that's not the subject of my blog today.)

Anyway, one evening when I went to class I noticed a very pretty black lady sitting in the reception area of the office with a cute little boy, about 3-4 years old. I don't remember how or why it came up in our class, but the teacher explained that the lady was the mother of the little boy and he was the child of Evander Holyfield.

The teacher said the mother demanded the child be taught, as I recall, about 4 languages, including Japanese and Russian. The teachers would sit with him, one on one, and try to just conversationally teach him. My teacher said to me privately that it was a huge waste of her time because the child had no interest in learning languages and a very short attention span. Well he was less than 5 years old. DUH.

I wonder if that child was Elijah. Quite possibly. The math works.

A quick Google search reveals Holyfield has 11 children with 6 different women. He was sued in 2012 for owing more than half a million dollars total in back child support. He had declared bankruptcy in 2008. His mansion was foreclosed on around the same time.

What happens when extraordinary athletes from impoverished backgrounds are suddenly catapulted to fame and fortune? This is what happens. They mis-manage their money. The become prey to women who just want to exploit them. They do not understand business and personal finance at all, and they often fall victim to substance abuse, too. Everyone wants a piece of them. That would be hugely difficult for anyone to handle, but add in a background that didn't prepare him for fame and fortune, and the pressures of having to stay on top as an athlete, and it's no wonder a professional athlete from a poor background often has a very messy life.

I read the comments on one of the news stories about Elijah this morning and was rather irritated. One commenter basically said "this kid has an easy life and will never have to work a single day why feel sorry for him." Passing judgment like that, without any knowledge of the facts, is just so hurtful and counter-productive. I think it's probably very difficult to be the son of a boxing champion with a very high profile like Evander Holyfield. If he was the child I encountered who was being forced to learn 4 new languages as a toddler, what does that say about how he was parented?

I have made a resolution recently to make a much bigger effort to stop judging other people and situations that don't involve me. I have often, in my younger years especially, been too quick to judge and to criticize, and it's a character flaw I still struggle with today.

Judging should be left to God. The bible says it clearly "Judge not, lest ye be judged."

Who are we to judge anyone?

My grandfather Bob Hasty was catapulted from the Army into minor league baseball in 1919 and then into the major leagues a year later. The first time he ever saw a major league baseball game, he was pitching in it. Nothing had prepared him for celebrity. Nothing had prepared him for trying to manage his career or his money. He took some of his earnings and bought a farm in North Georgia, and lost it during the Depression when his career in the majors was over. He was accused of a crime he didn't commit and lost his big league career because of it. He faced a lot of adversity and did his best in life, with mixed results, financially. He was still a wonderful man, respected and loved by his family, friends, and fans. He never turned down an autograph request. He was lucky to have a smart, good wife by his side. Athletes don't get to do what they love forever. Careers end, but life goes on. (I am just mentioning this because I know more than the average bear about the challenges faced by professional athletes.)

I said a prayer that young Elijah will be able to rebound from the arrest and chart a new, healthy course for his life. I'm sure his dad is worried about him. I also prayed for his dad, Evander. The handsome, confidant man I saw years ago doesn't deserve bad luck, any more than anyone else. A recent article says he is looking to be a promoter now. Good for him. I hope and pray that he has a successful life, and his son is able to have a successful life, on the playing field but also in his personal life.

Let's quit tearing people down, quit judging them, and just send prayers and positive energy. Let's remember the Golden Rule applies to everyone, and if we call ourselves Christians we are called to love one another, not judge one another.