I think sometimes adoptive parents get a bad deal when it comes to the sensitive subject of adoption records, and finding one's biological parents. The assumption is we are against that, that we somehow feel threatened by that search, or the reconnection to birth parents de-legitimizes our families in some way.
I've never felt that way.
To be fair, my children were adopted at age 13 and age 10, so there was no mystery. I didn't adopt a baby and then have to figure out when and how to tell them they were adopted.
Back when I was in the process of adopting my daughter, though, I read a number of books and I can tell you this with certainty: concealing an adoption is very psychologically damaging to a child. It's always better to be open and honest.
I've watched all the available episodes of a show called Long Lost Family, on TLC. It's almost always adoptees searching for birth parents. Every show has made me cry, but that's okay. I can sympathize with the longing to know one's birth parents.
I have always told my children I would help in any way possible if they wanted to find their birth parents. I meant it. Everyone needs to know who they are and who their people are; it's a basic need. My daughter was put in the orphanage at age 6, and my son at age 8. They remember their birthmoms, but there were no dads in the picture. The memories they have of "family life" are sad, because their birthmoms were substance abusers. However, that doesn't mean my kids don't have a right to know. If they want to search, to reconnect, I support that fully.
We all need to know who made us. Whatever the circumstances.
I was contacted recently by a man who is my 3rd or 4th cousin. We know this because of DNA similarities. I had the 23andMe testing done a few years ago. I was excited to try and help this man figure out his birth parents. All I know at this point is we are connected through my Butler family line, my mother's mother. He is a 3rd or 4th cousin. His DNA also matches two of my Butler-descended cousins who got the 23andMe testing done.
Now the tough part: figuring it out. You see, Granny and Grandaddy Butler had 12 children, including 4 boys. I think for a 3rd cousin, my Butler great-grandfather would be his grandparent's cousin. For 4th cousins it's even trickier: Grandaddy Butler had 13 siblings.
Here's what I got from Ancestry:
Grandaddy Butler -- Robert E. Butler -- was born in 1860, to William Thomas Butler, who had married Charlotte Wood. They had 14 children. So Grandaddy had 13 siblings. As far as I know, the brothers all lived in Georgia or South Carolina.
Some of the sisters, though, could have gone to Florida or Maryland and had a child or grandchild who then sired my cousin, who was born in 1958.
Making it more difficult, of course, is that he knows his birthmom was married to a man and had an affair with the person from my family tree, and his birthmom never revealed the father of her child. I cannot imagine the genetic needle in a haystack my cousin is facing.
I am praying his efforts will be rewarded.
I can look at my face and see the faces of my parents and grandparents and I feel connected and grounded in a way an adopted person cannot feel, until he/she knows their "people."
We all deserve to know where we come from. I think ALL adoption records should be un-sealed and everything possible done to help adoptees find their parents. Not to have access to those records is completely unfair.
Please pray my cousin can find his folks, and re-connect to the folks who made him.
above, Robert E. Butler, my great-grandfather; right photo is the wedding photo for him and my great-grandmother Beulah Phillips
