As so often happens on Sundays, when life has slowed down a bit, I ponder how I can live my life in a better, more productive and fulfilling way. There's the outer life, which is always busy, and the inner life, which is often neglected if the outer life is really busy.
In other words, most people I know who have really busy lives miss out on opportunities to think about ways to make their relationships stronger.
I will give an example from my own life.
My dad was a super busy guy, but he taught me valuable lessons about relationships.
My father grew up with two brothers and what he knew about being a kid involved very masculine pursuits like hunting, fishing, playing Army, etc. So when he had a daughter (me) he wasn't quite sure how to manage me. With Bruce, he took him hunting, from an early age. For me, as a small child, he just included me with whatever he was doing -- yard work, fishing, etc. I didn't get to go hunting -- which really ticked me off. I was jealous because during hunting season Bruce got to go off with Dad for entire days. I was supposed to do "ladylike" things with Mom. I loved my Mom, but I saw her all the time. Dad worked all the time, so being with him was much more of a privilege.
When I was around 14, Bruce started being very busy, working and school and hanging out with his friends. Then he left for basic training in the Army, and then college. During this time, Dad searched for some way to connect with me, and movies became our activity. We usually saw movies he wanted to see (MacArthur, for example) but sometimes I dragged him to movies I wanted to see (Kramer vs. Kramer, for example) which he hated. We often saw movies we both liked, though.
I didn't realize until many years later that the most valuable part of those moviegoing excursions was talking in the car. I rode the bus to school, or drove my own (old) car starting my junior year. The car rides to the theater were Dad's time to chat with me. Sitting still was hard for him, but of course in a moving car he was driving, and I could have nearly his full attention, which was a luxury.
Dad would sometimes point out my character flaws to me during those car rides -- but not always, or I wouldn't have wanted to go, of course. I heard him say many times, sighing, "You're just like me." True. We had very similar temperaments -- quick-witted, energetic, smart, funny. Probably the one thing he ever said that I've never forgotten was "Your mouth will always get you in trouble." Unfortunately, true. I have often said things that have gotten me in some hot water.
However, I want to point out that as I've gotten older I've become much better at not saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. (Thanks be to God.)
Relationships have to be nurtured. People have to have consideration for the feelings of others.
Dad knew I hated him not spending time with me, and he stepped outside his comfort zone a bit and challenged himself to find a way to connect with me. As a result, we had a much stronger bond than many fathers and daughters.
I also learned a lot of valuable lessons on those car rides.
I have a friend who is a single dad, and he has ADHD and his son has it. We were chatting about how important it is to be thoughtful, to be considerate of others' feelings. That can be a big challenge when one is impulsive.
If you've never sat at home waiting for someone to show up, wondering where they are, you can't understand what it's like.
I was waiting all day yesterday for Michael to come home from a friend's house, and he didn't come. I know where he is. He's safe. He's fine. It's just inconsiderate of him to not realize I worry, and he needs to come home every 24 hours or so. He should know better. As a small child his birthmom often left him alone for days at a time -- and he had no idea where she was or when she would return. So he should understand how frustrating it feels for me to be waiting and waiting for him to return.
Yet, he is doing to me exactly what his birthmom did to him. He learned that behavior from her.
However, my dilemma is this: how do I get him to respect my feelings?
I understand his viewpoint -- he's 21 years old. He should be able to do what he wants.
However, he lives with me and his grandmother. Our feelings should be important to him. He loves us and is generally a sweet, good-natured guy. I constantly remind myself not to try and "mama" him too much. I make a huge effort to try and respect his feelings, but we have a ways to go before he shows me the same consideration..
When my parents got married my dad was in the habit of doing exactly what he wanted. He would go off and not tell Mom where he was going, or when he would return. It became a huge issue. They talked to a counselor about it. The counselor pointed out the fix was simple -- "Tell Elva where you're going and when you expect to be back," the counselor said. "Try to think about how she feels, wondering where you are, and worrying," he noted. Dad eventually learned the lesson.
In today's fast-paced culture and "me me me" mentality, how do you teach someone to be mindful of others' feelings? I don't know. I imagine there are marriages that end because one person wants their "freedom" more than they want the marriage.
I have friends and family members who will not ever marry because it would mean compromise and not always doing what they want, and they are unwilling to do that. It makes me sad.
How do you literally "put yourself in the other person's shoes"? It has to be learned, or all of one's relationships may be in peril. Dad put himself in my shoes and took action, and it worked out. He had learned consideration from his marriage counseling, though.
I don't know how to teach consideration of others' feelings. As a writer, I wonder if there is a story or book that would illustrate this.
Food for thought.
If you have any ideas, drop me a comment.
OTHER NEWS
I spent a lot of time gardening and planting yesterday..
If you are wrestling with a knotty problem, working with your hands is good therapy...
