I was glad to turn on the news the other night and see Harvey Weinstein arrested. I think there's credible evidence that he was a sexual predator and used his power in Hollywood to take advantage of women, leading in some cases to actual assault.
Ditto for Bill Cosby, I'm sad to say.
Ditto for Kevin Spacey. I had actually heard years ago that Spacey might be a child molester, but of course I hoped it was just a vicious rumor, not based in fact. Looks like I was wrong.
Men who use their fame and power to take advantage of women (or men) sexually should be stopped, and punished. No one would argue about that.
Here's the problem, though.
Accusations are now always true. Sometimes they are, but they fall more into the category of miscommunication. Sexual dynamics are tricky.
What about a man who is just saying inappropriate things?
Who gets to decide if what he says is appropriate or not?
I saw the other day where Morgan Freeman is being accused of sexual harassment. I watched a videotape of him flirting with a young female reporter.
Now, was he just flirting, or was he being horribly inappropriate and should be punished?
The spectacle of watching a man in his 70's hitting on a woman 20, 30, 40 years his junior is really distasteful, but when does it turn into real harassment?
You see the dilemma here?
I saw a meme the other day that went something like this: women read romance novels and think they present a real picture of relationships. Men watch porn and think the same thing.
I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on relationships, but I think there's a lot of sad truth in that.
I have been an ardent feminist all my life, but feminism has not always had the best effect on male/female relationships. The sexual revolution, some men decided, was awesome, and gave them permission to be very aggressive because that's what women really wanted, right?! Men sometimes still think women want them to be sexually aggressive, and women usually do NOT want that, trust me.
I was confronted once and kissed, violently, at a restaurant. I was at a bar and had been drinking beer -- hey it was college days. I definitely did NOT want a total stranger to grab me and kiss me, though. I ran out of there FAST.
Now, what if it had been a guy I was attracted to? Would that have made it okay? Would I have been thrilled and gone home with him? [No. Me at 19 years old?! Oh no. I was young and innocent. I wasn't ready for that, AT ALL.]
See that's the trouble.
So much depends on a woman's level of attraction to a man. It also depends on her maturity, her religion, her cultural background, her religious background.
Harvey Weinstein was in a power position, and he used that ruthlessly. Bill Cosby used his fame, and I'm sure to some extent his charm.
If a man is older, bigger, more famous, more powerful, a boss -- those spell trouble, if he acts sexually aggressive towards a woman.
And here's another observation, albeit perhaps politically incorrect: most women are simply not as strong as most men. I am 5'3 and when I was in the best physical shape of my life I was no match for a man who was of the same age and relatively normal strength.
Most men can overpower most women. There, I said it. Argue all you want, but it's true. Women understand this very well. Men often do not ever give it any thought. They don't get it because they have always [most men anyway] been in the power position.
Most women [unless they are athletes or soldiers] understand the imbalance of power very well.
A hundred years ago, women covered themselves up, from head to toe. Modesty in fashion was normal.
Now, women walk around wearing blouses that show most of their breasts, skirts that are nearly gynecological, see-through clothing, etc. Should we be able to dress like that without fear of being hit on?
Of course. We SHOULD be able to walk down the street buck nekkid and be perfectly safe. In a perfect world.
We don't live in a perfect world, though.
There are public figures who are getting accused of harassment that may or may not deserve it.
I like watching actor James Franco. He was great in the Spiderman movies, and he's done other things that were awesome, like the miniseries 11/22/63, which Michael and I watched recently. Now, five women are accusing him of inappropriate or sexually exploitative behavior. Click on the link and read the story. It's very troubling.
There are also accusations against Dustin Hoffman which are very disturbing. I have long admired Dustin Hoffman. I saw him in Death of a Salesman on Broadway in 1984 and was blown away. He is an incredible actor. I also loved him in The Graduate Little Big Man and Tootsie. So many excellent films.
If those two men did what they are accused of doing, I have zero sympathy for them. Zero.
I have a lot of sympathy for women in the Me Too movement, because I have experienced sexual harassment and felt like I couldn't do anything about it.
However, I am apprehensive about all these allegations against all these men, because I think probably 90% of all the accusations represent situations that are very complex, and sometimes what is truly "right" or "wrong" is a matter of perception.
That guy who kissed me in the restaurant all those years ago? He had been drinking. I seriously doubt he went on to become a rapist. He shouldn't have kissed me. I was ambushed. However, what price should he have paid?
Male/female power dynamics are very tricky.
What if some women are using their stories of harassment for their own agendas? What if they are trying to get money or get famous?
I was a paralegal for years and I worked on a lot of lawsuits filed by women who claimed their bosses sexually harassed them. They were settled for pittances in almost every case. The problem was, the women usually started having affairs that were consensual, but when the bosses didn't give them what they wanted (a raise, a promotion, etc.) then they tried a different tack -- a lawsuit.
Now, were we biased? Of course. We didn't represent the women.
After time went by and I reflected on it, I realized the women who filed lawsuits likely were very different from women who had been truly harassed, because traumatized women are often too scared to speak out. There may have been women who were truly harassed who just quit.
Many women until very recently were fearful of making harassment or even sexual assault accusations.
Fear is a terrible thing.
A man will often use a woman's fear against her.
However, being accused of sexual harassment falsely is also a terrible thing. Being accused of sexual assault falsely is a terrible thing.
I think in many cases there is a power imbalance and the women's fear fuels the men's tendency to be harassing or exploitative.
I think also there may be many instances of misunderstanding.
What is the solution? I don't think there is any easy solution.
Like most complex problems, the solution is going to be complex as well.
I do think that clear communication will help. Women need to communicate what is acceptable and what is not. Women need to be brave and speak up for themselves.
Men need to not assume that their behavior is okay just because a woman doesn't explicitly call them out on it. You can usually look at someone's face and see fear or apprehension or discomfort. It doesn't take a mind reader.
Respect is a word that gets tossed around a lot but it's critical. Men need to respect a woman's space and not treat her like an object or a sex toy. Women need to respect themselves and not allow themselves to be objectified.
If women wear really sexually suggestive clothing they better assume the risk they might get harassed, or worse -- and I don't mean dressing provocatively invites that behavior. No woman dresses to get raped. I simply mean women just need to be aware of the risk they are taking, and take precautions.
Ladies, you can dress modestly and still be a strong powerful woman.
Men, you can look at a lovely woman -- no matter how suggestively she is attired -- and control yourself.
If we don't rein in this witch hunt against men, though, I fear we are going to ruin lives and careers of guys who don't deserve that ruination. I fear we will become so judgmental there will be no room for apologies and amends, but situations will escalate immediately into public condemnation, lawsuits, even criminal charges, regardless of the truth. We have to have a dialogue that includes truth and respect on both sides.
I am very glad there is a national conversation on this topic. It's long overdue.
HOWEVER... we have to bring to light the truth, not simply exploit mistakes for personal gain. I mean that on both sides.
