When you're young and dating you're optimistic, romantic, energetic. You start out by "hanging out" and then you "hook up" and at some point you may well find yourself moving in with your honey, or even writing your own wedding vows.
After age 40, it's a totally different story. Unless you've lived in a cave or a monastery, by 40 you've likely been married or at least had a long term relationship or two, and nothing is taken for granted.
I remember laughing hysterically at a Sinbad routine in which he said "I can tell within the first twenty seconds, by the way she chews her food, if we have a chance in hell."
That describes perfectly how it feels to date after 40.
I participated in a Facebook discussion yesterday where a friend of mine was complaining that when he was married, his wife didn't leave him alone after he got home from work, and he needed the quiet time. I totally get that. When you have a stressful job and you get home all you want is to be left alone -- BTDT. It's a dealbreaker for many folks.
So that got me to thinking, how does one handle dealbreakers?
When I was in my twenties, dealbreakers were things like whether or not we liked the same kinds of movies, and if he still lived at home with his parents. By the time I was in my thirties I was very certain about what I liked and disliked and I had no trouble defining that.
In the movie The Ugly Truth, Katherine Heigl's character has a list and quizzes her date ruthlessly about himself, making him very uncomfortable. The first time I saw that movie I was silently cheering her on, thinking YOU GO GIRL!
The movies are to blame for some relationship issues sometimes, I think, but that's a subject for a different blog. Life is never like a movie, would be my premise. [I hear you saying "DUH" -- hush up.]
I did internet dating for a brief period of time, in my late 30's, and I had a definite dealbreaker list. I don't recall the entire list but here are some highlights:
Must like movies
Must love dogs
Must like living in Atlanta
Must be clean (regular showering and toothbrushing)
Must never make ugly remarks about my weight
And of course, the dealbreaker of all dealbreakers: MUST want children. Not just grudgingly agree to them in theory, nope. Must LOVE children.
My dad and his brothers loved kids, and were all great with kids. Not perfect, but loving and attentive fathers. That's what I wanted. Any guy who said he wouldn't change a poopy diaper would've been kicked to the curb immediately.
One of my most serious relationships ended because he didn't want children. At that point I knew I was too old to likely give birth, but he wouldn't agree to adoption either. Needless to say, I was super annoyed when shortly after we broke up, he married a woman with children.
What I see so often in my peers over 40 who are dating, especially among the divorced guys, is great bitterness. With women, it tends to be more sadness from being hurt. With the guys, the anger and bitterness become a big part of who they are, and what they don't realize (sadly) is that the bitterness becomes a red flag for those of us who might want to go out with them.
What's even worse is that the divorced guys will pull that cloak of bitterness around themselves and refuse to part with it before they will agree to go to counseling. The result? They stay bitter and single. They complain about being single. They complain about the lack of good women out there.
Women sometimes do the same thing -- set the bar too high, and wallow in their misery.
However, more often, women over 40 or 50 just shrug and say OK, so the dating pool is really shallow. I think I will spend more time with my friends, stay busy, and be happy anyway.
It's better than dating a Bitter Divorced Guy -- because you know at some point you will encounter one of his dealbreakers, or become annoyed by his attitude, and it will come to a crashing halt.
Case in point: my divorced brother breaks up with a woman immediately if she says she wants to get married.
So here's my advice to all men and women over 40: ditch the dealbreakers. Oh you will still think of them, sure. Nobody is perfect. But take a hard look at those and say to yourself: why not ask if they will consider my way of thinking? Why not look at couples counseling? Will it kill me to be flexible here?
What I find more and more as I get older is that if I change the way I think about my life, my life changes for the better. Change my thoughts and my life changes. It's healing.
Put another way: attitude is everything.
If I see myself as a jaded, bitter person who can't find love then THAT becomes my reality. What we think about all the time becomes our reality.
However, we CAN control our thoughts. My son disagrees with me here, but it's true. (Testosterone seems to interfere mightily with flexibility in thought, I've noticed. That's a subject for another blog though, or a Ph.D. dissertation.)
Here's a truism: if you want what you've never had, you have to do what you've never done.
The tendency I've noticed among divorced men is they gather their shredded dignity around them and clad themselves in battle armor. The attitude seems to be "I will NOT be fooled again! I made a stupid mistake with that last woman but NEVER AGAIN!"
Yeah. How's that working out for you?
Dating after 40 is tricky and since I've done very little of it you might argue that I have no right to give advice. However, I have seen what does not work, so I feel certain I can at least give this advice: don't use dealbreakers. Don't be bitter. Don't set unrealistic expectations.
Most importantly, don't look at every new relationship with eyes of skepticism. If you find yourself unable to shake that, seek counseling. There's no shame in that. Think of it as a tune up for your life, not an admission of failure. A good therapist will help you get a new perspective on life, and you will feel unburdened, lighter, better able to give and receive love.
I know, I've been there.
