There are very few compensations when it comes to getting older. You wake up with aches and pains in places you'd forgotten about years before. You look in the mirror and wonder how those gray hairs and wrinkles got there and what, if anything you should do about them. You watch your classmates from high school and college go through their own trials and tribulations and you either think well, thank God it isn't me, or well, I feel so sorry for him/her because I know how that feels.
Every few weeks, it seems, I hear about another person I went to high school with who has died.
Sobering.
Sad.
Scary.
One of the very few compensations for getting older is this: clarity. If you're not driven by rampaging hormones of youth, or nagging stress over how to raise your children and/or how to pay your bills, sometimes you are blessed with clarity.
I don't mean clarity as in I've got it all figured out! Woo hoo!
Nope.
The best one can hope for is a little piece of clarity.
right, me about age 8, and my brother
I was a chubby kid [quite athletic, but always with some extra lbs.] and I went all through elementary and middle school being teased and/or bullied relentlessly about my weight. I used to wish I was invisible. I used to feel like the biggest (I was taller than all my classmates until I was about 12) ugliest, most awkward person in my entire school. I dreaded going, many days. Yet, if I had been able to step back and absorb this little bit of wisdom I think it would have been easier: When someone says something really mean to you, it's not actually about you, it's about them. Human beings are fundamentally kind and caring (I firmly believe) unless they are afraid or stressed out. When children say and do mean things to each other it's because they are under some stress, 95% of the time, I think. [The other 5% it's because of psychological issues or possibly just evil, but that 5% is a subject for an entirely different blog.]
I saw a story on Facebook the other day about a man whose son was bullied at school. He took time to just sit and talk with the boy who was the bully, to try and figure out what was going on with him. The boy had no father and he and his mother were homeless, and often hungry. The father became a mentor to the bully and turned the situation around entirely.
Here's the beautiful thing about that: once you understand the stress the person is under, it makes it much easier to forgive them.
Forgiveness heals.
This morning I was watching a segment of CBS Sunday morning about television producer/director Chuck Lorre. Towards the end of the piece he talks about at one time being labeled an ANGRY GUY. His response was brilliant. He said basically that he was angry sometimes but it was because he was afraid, and it manifested as anger because he didn't want anyone to know he was afraid.
Whoa.
I was glad my son was watching that with me.
I think guys often inadvertently become angry because they are truly afraid of something, and it comes out as anger because in the masculine mind it's okay to show anger, but it's unmanly to show fear.
Huge moment of clarity for me.
Someone I am close to (not my son) got angry with me recently and it really upset me. I have had to think it through and try to figure out where that anger was from, because forgiveness wasn't coming.
I've learned one really important thing in my 56 years and it's this: if you cannot forgive, you will never be happy.
Holding onto grudges may sound romantic and noble and it's the basis of a lot of movies with revenge plotlines but as a practical matter, not forgiving someone is corrosive to YOUR soul, not theirs. I like this quote: holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
I have had to try and figure out how to forgive people, over and over, in my life. Sometimes it's quite difficult.
Sometimes I've had to forgive people who couldn't get past their anger at me. I lost several friends over the last presidential election. Despite my disagreeing with them politically, I still cared (and continue to care) about them, very much.
I can totally disagree with my friends about who to vote for and still love them. I just wish everyone could do that.
Anger can also be a manifestation of Depression. I learned that not too long ago and it really caused me to reflect on some situations differently.
Of course, when someone is yelling at you and being a real jerk, it can be hard to forgive and that's just called Being Human.
Eventually, if you can get to a place of forgiveness, you're doing well.
I like the meme at right a lot because it's so true. I can be feeling really crappy and take my dog for a walk and feel better. Maybe not awesome, but certainly better. Then I can come home and rub her furry belly and feel a little better.
Hey, it's better than just eating junk food -- another way to deal with uncomfortable feelings.
Anyway, for anyone reading this who is younger than late 40's, keep this in mind: the moments of clarity are some compensation for getting old. They make life a lot less awful.
