The 1970's was a decade of tremendous cultural upheaval not only in America but in my life. I am thinking about how growing up during that decade -- I went from age 8 to 18 in the 1970's -- impacted my ideas about career and motherhood and equal rights? For one thing, living through that time and watching things like the rise of women's tennis under Billie Jean King and the fight to get the ERA [Equal Rights Amendment] passed made me aware of the evolving world of what was possible for women.
I find sociological history fascinating. My mother encouraged me to read and listen and understand what was going on in the world around me, much more than most of my peers. I watched the news every night with my dad.
My mother's main 8-18 years were from about 1942-52. Such a different time in America. She wanted to go to law school and become a lawyer, but her aunt's husband [a lawyer in Macon] said no way, women shouldn't be lawyers. He told her to forget it. Now, I have been a paralegal for more than thirty years and I can tell you this: Elva Hasty would have made a fine lawyer. She has a voracious intelligence, she grasps difficult concepts easily, and she can speak to a room full of people without getting freaked out in the slightest. The only issue would have been that she wanted to get married and have children, and she would have found it very difficult to do so in a time when women were basically told to choose either a career OR a family, because having both wasn't possible.
I was talking to a young attorney not long ago and we were reminiscing about the bad old days when young female lawyers were basically told "you better plan to work 60-80 hours a week and forget about family if you want to keep your job." I overheard an attorney years ago telling a young female associate almost those exact words. He wasn't kidding.
In my first job, I saw a very smart female lawyer relegated to doing research and writing briefs -- never getting to manage cases or do any of the fun stuff like depositions or trials -- simply because she was married and had a young child. Her partners forced her to accept less money and less of everything because she dared to want to work an 8 hour day and have a life outside the office.
I worked for a female lawyer here in Atlanta for 6 years and I remember feeling great pity for her, because her male partners never cut her any slack. She had to work so many hours that her child's first language was Korean, because the baby saw her Korean nanny a lot more than she saw her actual mother. Her husband didn't help her much at all, and they ended up divorcing.
Women have always had to fight to have fulfilling careers and be mothers, because men think the same standards must be applied. They don't understand that their way of doing things may not be the best way.
Yet, as a working single mom now for many years I can tell you that the conflict is always there. Should I work more hours so we can have more money and a better life? Should I jump on the "mommy track" and make less money for more time with the kids? What kind of example am I then setting for my children?
In the 1970's the terms "family friendly workplace" and "work life balance" were unknown. Everybody was still trying to figure it all out.
For example, now women can dress comfortably and casually, in most offices. In the 1970's and 80's women had to wear pantyhose and heels in order to look "professional."
Have you every tried to put on dressy clothes, get kids ready for school, feed everyone, and make your commute, in that short time between awakening and needing to report to work? No? Lucky you.
After many years of pondering work and motherhood there are only a few things I can tell you with certainty.
- Every working mom has to figure out her own way that works for her family. There truly is no "one size fits all" solution to any of this.
- All kids are different. Some need a lot of cuddles and mommy time and nurturing. Some don't.
- Being single makes everything more complicated. All single moms need a trusted support network to be successful at juggling work and family. Friends, family members -- everyone is important. [Full disclosure: Here, I actually feel a bit weird saying "Yes I am a single mom." My mother has lived with me and helped me with my kids almost from day one. We moved in together six months after I adopted my daughter. Mom wasn't a co-parent the way a husband would have been, but she helped me a lot.]
I am really glad my children are grown. Life is more complex now than ever, with everyone glued to their Smartphones all the time. Kids are bombarded with stimuli and messages in a way I never was as a child. It's harder for any parent to maintain authority now, I think. You can't raise your child in a bubble. You have to set limits, though.
My growing up years were really slow and contemplative compared to today, and for that I am grateful. Examples: For me, as a child, going to the movies was a big treat. We only had 2-3 stations on the TV. I spent a lot of time reading. I spent a lot of time playing in the neighborhood. My parents weren't constantly on computers or phones -- they actually talked to us, a lot. My idea of a perfect day as a child: swimming at the pool, watching a little bit of TV, playing outside, eating pizza for dinner (a rare treat).
If I had the time, I would research and write a more lengthy piece about this because it's a fascinating and slightly scary topic. I am so glad I had a simpler childhood, without being bombarded by too much information. OTOH I envy girls today who have many more choices than we had. The women's movement has helped girls in so many ways, and most don't have any real understanding of that. They should.
You CAN have it all now, and without wearing pantyhose! Hallelujah.