I used to be a terribly ignorant person. Ignorant and not even aware of my ignorance. I can admit that now.
When I was in my 20's and 30's I wanted to get-married-and-have-kids. That's how I always thought of it. "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby..."
I watched programs or movies occasionally in which couples were struggling with infertility. (Here's where the ignorant part comes in.) In those programs, adoption was always seen as a really poor substitute for having "a baby of our own."
I remember organizing a family reunion about 16 years ago and wondering if I should invite a distant cousin who was adopted. Would he want to come? Would he want to meet a bunch of people he wasn't biologically related to? I did invite him. He appeared. He was delightful. It didn't matter that he didn't look like any of us. We claimed him.
Years ago, I worked for a brilliant man who was an idiot. He had a master's degree from Columbia. He had a law degree. Very book-smart guy. I told him my son was adopted when he was ten years old. He looked startled and slightly horrified. "What does he call you?" he blurted out.
I was taken aback. "He calls me MOM."
I flashed back to a classmate of my son's who looked at me and said "Where's Michael's REAL MOM?"
See, here's the awkward part. I used to be that insensitive, ignorant person. [I wouldn't have actually voiced those hurtful questions but I would have thought them.] The crux of it was that I literally just couldn't fathom loving an adopted child the same as a child I made in my own body. How could you love a child that much? How would that be possible?
It's possible. In fact, unless you are a complete asshole or perhaps mentally ill you will fall in love with your adopted child just like you would love a biological child. It's no different.
You don't wake up every day and think "I need to get dressed and make breakfast for my adopted child. I need to drive my adopted child to school. Is my other adopted child running a fever? Should I take their temperature?"
And so on.
Do I miss looking at my children and seeing my face and body there? No.
Would I have liked to have had a "child of my own"? Sure. I won't lie. I kinda wish that had been possible. It wasn't. For a lot of reasons. I don't see my adopted children as a consolation prize, though.
I used to run a very informal support group for adoptive parents. In it were several couples who struggled with infertility for years. They then adopted children from Russia and Eastern Europe. All of them said "I wish I had just skipped all the infertility stuff and just adopted right away." They had learned that beautiful truth, that having a child from your body is far less sacred than having a child in your arms that loves you and calls you "Mama" or "Daddy" with complete love and trust.
I adopted a 13 year old and a 10 year old. They were mine as soon as I saw them. It didn't matter about the language issue and the culture issues and all the rest of it. They were meant to be my children.
I belonged to a Yahoo group for single moms years ago. Remember Yahoo groups?! Some of the moms on there were married to guys who didn't want to adopt. Their wives desperately wanted to be mothers. Those guys found themselves divorced, as a result. I spoke to some of those moms and they all said although they didn't like getting divorced it was worth it to be a mother.
I've had people say to me, "It costs too much to adopt." Well, no it doesn't, actually. Private adoptions from an agency ARE pricey, yes, if you want an infant right after birth. However, the government still gives families adoption tax credits. It's up to $13,610 and it doesn't matter how you adopted -- internationally, domestically, from foster care, etc. I got a grant for my son's adoption when I worked at Home Depot - lots of big companies offer adoption grants. The state of Georgia gave me a $2,000 grant because I adopted a "special needs" child - any child over age 2 qualifies for that.
I've known lots of families who creatively held adoption fund raisers to raise the money -- selling items online, holding events at their church, etc.
My brother gave me $5,000 to help me with my daughter's adoption. Families often help out.
I knew couples and singletons who spent years trying to adopt and a few who pondered giving up, but they finally really the truth of this: the only failure is giving up. They persisted, and they became parents.
You CAN love an adopted child just as much as a child from your body -- more, in fact. After you've gone through a homestudy and raised the money and jumped through all the hoops to adopt, you develop a determination that few biological parents can fathom, because it wasn't that difficult for them to have a few drinks and put on the Marvin Gaye record and get it on and whoops -- 9 months later, there's a baby!
See the two photos below? Children who are loved, pure and simple. That's all you need to make a family.
