A lot of children's books feature main characters who are orphans. David Copperfield, Heidi, Oliver Twist, Peter Pan -- just to name a few. Harry Potter is the most recent example. A lot of the books center around Harry's parents' deaths and the impact of that on Harry years later.
It occurred to me recently that now I am an orphan. I have no living parents. My father died in 1996 [July 11, to be exact] and now my mother is gone [as of June 28]. So I have joined the ranks of the orphans. It's hard for me to wrap my head around that.
Tomorrow is the two week anniversary of Mom's death. I am still getting cards and flowers.
When Mom and I moved in together in 2005 I felt like it would be great for all of us -- Mom, me, and my daughter, who was adopted. Mom and Alesia formed a close bond. We were not a conventional family but we were able to give her more stability that a traditional single-mom household, at least.
Alesia was 13 when I adopted her. She had to learn English, learn how to live within a new family, a new language, a new culture. It was a huge transition for her, and to a much lesser extent for me and Mom. [Most people start out with an infant, and learn to parent as the child grows. I started out with a "baby" almost as tall as myself who spoke no English.]
Mom threw herself into the role of being a grandmother. Mom helped Alesia with schoolwork, took her out to lunch, and to dance class, piano lessons, play dates with friends. I was still working full-time, so Mom became very important in Alesia's life.
Then Alesia grew up and moved away and we didn't see much of her for a number of years.
I was very glad that just a few weeks before Mom passed Alesia was able to stop by for a visit, and spend some time with her grandmother, after a long absence. I know it did Mom's heart good to re-connect.
The irony of this is that our of our little family -- Elva, Dee, Alesia, and Michael -- I was the last to be orphaned. Mom lost her parents in 1972 and 1990. My kids both lost their mothers early [Alesia at age 6, Mike at age 8] and they never knew their fathers. (However, they are now completely loved by me, their adoptive mother, so that's something.)
I now have joined the ranks of the orphans. It feels so odd to be parentless.
I am very blessed, however. I had my mother in my life most of my life.
My father lost his parents when he was in his 20's and I don't think he ever really moved past it, emotionally. He often would say to me in the evenings, after he had started sipping a drink, "I wish I could talk to my mama tonight."
Dad and his mother were close.I think she had a great deal of influence on him. She was very ladylike, and a devout Christian. She loved reading and gardening. She was very attached to her siblings.
She married late in life [for those days] and she adored my grandfather.
Dad adored his older brothers, and loved being outside in his yard and planting trees, shrubs and flowers. He read voraciously.
His father taught him hunting, fishing, and outdoors skills, and was also a big influence. I think his mother's love went a long way towards shaping Dad's character, though.
Before I was born, Dad was adamant that if I was a girl I should be named for his mother. So Dad gave my brother his father's name and gave me his mother's name [well, a diminutive version of her name].
After Dad married Mom, he called his mother the minute he got home from work, before he even said hello to my mom. Fortunately, Mom understood he was concerned about his mother because she had nursed his dad through his final illness and then she was never really comfortable living alone. Mom said after Grandaddy died, Grandmother would spend the night in her next door neighbor's house every night, because she hated sleeping alone in the house.
I have visitors in and out a lot but I am having to get used to living alone again.
The best part about it is that I can walk all over the house singing at the top of my lungs if I like, and bother nobody. Lola never complains.
The thing I try to keep reminding myself is that everyone has two families -- the one they are born into and the one they make for themselves.
I was telling someone the other day that the only good thing about living through this pandemic is that I have actually re-connected with a lot of friends. I have long visits with friends and cousins just about every night. The beauty of cell phones is that long distance charges don't apply.
When I was a kid and Mom was on a long distance call Dad would stand there pointing at his watch and glaring at her the whole time. (Kids, it used to cost extra to call someone who didn't live in the same town. My how the world has changed.)
I still have my brother, and my children. I have a lot of dear friends. Many of my friends are now orphaned too. We can call and commiserate. I have a friend who says he can't stop thinking about his parents, that he is just overwhelmed with sadness sometimes. (They died just weeks apart in early 2019.)
When I think of my parents I don't feel terrible sadness. I actually feel joy. They are together again, after a 23 year separation. My parents were always best friends, no matter what was going on. That was the most beautiful thing about their marriage. I went to sleep every night hearing them talking next door. They talked about everything. They presented a united front to me and my brother in all things -- something they had agreed to do from day one. That was important because we always had consistency. Mom and Dad could fuss and fight but they never let it interfere with parenting. They never asked us to take sides.
I had a lot of time to talk to Mom over the last 15 years. We said everything. There were no mysteries left. I got the chance to know her more as a person in recent years, and that was lovely. It's a rare privilege to see your mother as a human being, with all that entails. Elva Thompson was an exceptional human being -- brilliant, quick-witted, big-hearted.
Mom and Dad prepared us well for orphanhood. Last week when I was very sick my brother came to see me and took care of me. I got teary at one point and he said "You don't have to worry, Dee. I'll always have your back." (He is not very demonstrative or emotional normally, so for him that was effusively emotional.)
No matter what happens, I have my brother and my beautiful children. I know my parents' spirits are all around, too.
Orphanhood is doable.
We'll all get through it together.
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