The Crab Chronicles

Everything Has A Story

I counted it up and I have moved fifteen times in my life. I lived in five different houses when I was growing up, in two different states. My father was not in the military, nor was he in the type of job where one had to move around a lot. We just moved a lot.

By the time I finished college [after living in three dorms and two apartments] I could pack up my stuff and be ready to move with only 24 hours' notice.

Before I moved into this house fifteen years ago I knew every single thing I had -- including every piece of paper, every childhood piece of memorabilia, every spare candle for power outages, etc. I knew and cherished every book I owned. When I moved I would energetically and efficiently throw out or give away what needed to go. It was easy to make those decisions because everything was mine.

When the things you need to throw out or give away belong to someone else, it's a whole different ballgame.

I was thinking about that a lot this past week as I cleaned out my mother's room. It was a task I'd mostly delayed for weeks, but I finally had to face it because on Friday I had carpet installers coming in to lay down new carpet. So I literally had to go in there and clean out, give away, throw out, or relocate her stuff. It was so difficult to do -- emotionally, not physically. For every single object I had to ask myself these questions:

Should this be thrown out?

Should this be kept in another place in the house?

Should I try to sell this?

Should I just give it away? [I gave away a lot of things]

Would someone else in the family like to have it?

You may be thinking, what about your brother? Well, my brother took over 99% of Dad's things when he died in 1996 and either sold, threw out, or gave away most of that stuff. We made a deal then. He would be responsible for Dad's stuff, and I would be responsible for Mom's stuff when the time came.

I actually spoke to a guy who does estate sales recently. In this time of Covid, I really didn't think an estate sale was the thing to do, but I wanted to get an opinion from someone in the field. He was very nice, very friendly, of course. Instead of in-person sales and/or auctions most of his business nowadays is online auctions. He basically said what his company does for a lot of folks is go in, sort everything into "lots" [as in, four coasters, candlesticks, dolls, etc.], photograph each thing or lot, list it online and supervise the auction, then take care of getting it to the buyer and collecting the money. Things that don't sell go to Goodwill. For that, he takes 50%.

He had me interested until I heard 50%. No way was I going to agree to that. I could hear my thrifty Scottish ancestors flipping over in their graves over that figure.

I'm not saying his services weren't worth that commission. I'm sure it's a ton of work to do all that. I am just not willing to pay it. Think about it. If I'm going to make that little money I might as well just throw a garage sale.

Then again, the thought of a garage sale, of a bunch of possibly non-masked folks looking at all Mom's stuff... nope.

I ended up sorting through everything and getting 95% of it cleaned out before the carpet installer came. I will admit, the two large closets got filled up quickly. There is maybe another 30 minutes worth of work to do to completely finish and get those closets cleaned out. I need to do that in the new few weeks as I get the room ready for a possible housemate to share expenses with me.

What amazes me is how others in my age group can be so cavalier about things. One of my friends said it was hard to get her mother's home cleared out before moving her to assisted living because "everything had a story." It wasn't hard for her to put an object in an estate sale or giveaway box. It was hard for her mother. Had that been me, I would have wanted to save everything that had a story, for my kids.

For me, the story makes me want to keep the object.

For instance, there's a hat in my mom's closet that I don't recall ever seeing her wear, but it's been in a 1950's hatbox at the top of her closet my entire life. The story is that Mom saw that hat in a department store when I was a baby, but Dad said no, it's too expensive. We can't afford it. Mom wasn't working and Dad controlled the purse strings diligently. He only gave her a certain amount of money for food, clothes, and toiletries, and that was IT. No more, not unless it was an emergency, like buying medicine. Mom wanted that hat. So she quietly figured out how to feed us all on much less money every week, and she saved the hat money out of the grocery budget, for weeks. I forgot to ask her if she and Dad had a big fight when she finally bought the hat. Then again, the hat stayed put away for the next fifty-something years... [see above]

Dad was the opposite of a hoarder. He was a ruthless Thrower-Outer. Over the years that caused a lot of fights and tears. It made Mom really upset when he would just randomly give stuff away or throw it out. He didn't always consult her before he did it. So for every object I pick up and think about I think, would Mom be upset if I throw this out or give it away? I try to remind myself that Mom is in a very different place now and probably has no opinion whatsoever about the ashtray bought on vacation in 1969, etc.

Memories are hard to throw away, though.

I opened a cedar chest in Mom's room and found a plastic bag filled with baby clothes and baby booties, from my babyhood, no doubt. Tiny dresses yellowing with age. Shoes that were never put on the ground because I wore them before I could walk. Even if I have a grandbaby one day, those things will likely be too fragile for the 21st century baby to wear. So what do I do with them?

So many folks in my generation are facing these difficult tasks nowadays. Since covid has decimated our senior population, these hard decisions are likely being made thousands of times a day, all over America.

The recent popularity of downsizing one's clutter is called the KonMari Method. "Keep only those things that speak to the heart, and discard items that no longer spark joy. Thank them for their service – then let them go."

I have too many things that "speak to the heart."

If I had the wherewithal to start a new business I would go into competition with the guy I spoke to about an estate sale. After all, if it's someone else's stuff and I have no sentimental attachment it might be much easier. Then again, maybe not. If something didn't sell I would have a hard time throwing it away. Stories fascinate me.

The work continues. The tears come frequently. Dismantling a life is very hard, but necessary.

[below left Mom being serenaded by my cousin Bry, below right trying out her new walker a few years ago. You can see her room was large and filled with a lot of things.]

 

Encounters With the Famous

A colleague of mine told me today she was a huge Elvis fan and saw him in person in the early 1950's at the Paramount Theater here in Atlanta. I love stories like that. I have a friend who is a professional actor (Jeff Joslin) and he has some great stories about working with celebs like Tyler Perry and others.

What I have found, generally, is that most celebrities are nice and friendly to fans. I've read that the bigger the celebrity the nicer they are, if approached in public.

I interviewed a celebrity who was on a sitcom many years ago in Knoxville, when he was in town doing a charity event. He was not nice. I was a cute little 18 year old girl and at nearly 5'4 I was taller than him, which might have had something to do with it.. I had convinced my editor to let me do the interview (this guy was not a big star at all) and wrote up a nice piece about the actor, but wow was he a jerk. I could never figure out why. His agent, who barely spoke English, mailed me a press package and addressed it to Dee Fahnsen. That was after I had spelled "Thompson" into the phone about four times.

I have only had a few other instances of being close to a celeb, in my life:

1) I saw boxer Evander Holyfield at Houston's in Buckhead in the late 90's. He was pure muscle. I followed him from the restroom back to his table and then veered off before he could call the cops and have me arrested for stalking.I was fascinated to see someone whose body appeared to be carved out of stone. Wow. I kinda understand why Evander has 11 children.

2) Many years ago I worked at the daily newspaper in Knoxville and Dick Van Dyke was in town in a touring production of Damn Yankees. I got to tag along for the interview and meet him -- they wouldn't let me do the interview as I was only 17. He was incredibly friendly and genuine, and incredibly skinny.

3) in 1983 I was in New York visiting a friend and I snagged tickets to a preview of Death of a Salesman. I was 3rd row center, no more than 8 feet from Dustin Hoffman for much of the show. Incredible performance.

4) I ran into an actor named David Keith [he is best known for An Officer and a Gentleman] in a video store in Knoxville back in the mid 80's, and he was buying copies of every James Bond movie in the store. I introduced myself and we chatted a few minutes. We knew some of the same people from his time doing theater at UT. He was incredibly nice.

5) I saw Burt Reynolds and Dinah Shore at a UT football game in the early 1970's. Spent more time looking at them than the game, which irritated my dad. LOL

6) I sang in the Knoxville Opera Chorus after college, for a few productions, and one of them was Faust. Jerome Hines was the star, and a super nice man. We sat and chatted backstage and he remembered going out with my parents in Augusta many years before, a big thrill for my mom who was an opera fan and on the opera guild board. (She could have sung opera but chose to get married instead.) I like opera but only to sing, not to sit and watch. I did a production where Roberta Peters was the star and she was a teetotal diva.

As my grandfather used to say, they put on their pants one leg at a time, just like I do. He was a major league baseball player and had met quite a few celebs. They never impressed him.

I like to think of them as regular people with strange jobs. It helps me to not deify or vilify them.

Turning the Corner

My life has turned a major corner this summer, and it happened so fast that it has left me reeling. Mom went into the hospital June 24 and died the 28th, quite unexpectedly, so I have had a lot to adjust to in a short amount of time, it feels like.

I just realized the other day that I have not blogged in a while and I thought I should at least check in, let readers know what is going on. Covid has turned me (as well as so many others) into a bit of a hermit, and there are few happenings to write about.

I have only had to put gas in my car twice in the last six months.

I have not been to a restaurant and eaten there in many months. I don't even remember the last time. I have only been to the store [Walgreens] once in several months. Most everything can be gotten in the drive-thru. I get groceries delivered.

I have two masks in my purse. One is utilitarian. I was given it last time Mom was in the hospital when I could go see her, which was March. The other one is a University of Georgia mask my sweet cousin made for me.

My daughter came to visit last weekend. It was so good to have her home. She is almost thirty years old, which is mind-boggling to me. We went through a lot of my mother's things and Alesia took some of her jewelry and clothing home. Mom would have liked that.

My son was here for the weekend, too. Felt like old times, with both my kids home.

I have been contemplating selling my house. I don't want to sell it. If I can rent out Mom's room, I should be able to keep it. I am slowly getting it cleaned out and ready to rent. I was sick for about two weeks in July, and it has taken me some time to feel 100% again. For the past couple of weeks Michael has been sick. He is much better now, after seeing the doctor. He has to help me with Mom's room. We need to move out all the furniture so it can be re-carpeted.

We have been blessed not to have too hot a summer. Few days have seen temps over 95. Many days the highs have been in the 80's, which is cool for Atlanta in the summer.

I am working on my third novel, trying to finish the first draft. It's a big, sprawling story, taking place over hundreds of years and two continents, so much research is needed.

That's about all the news.

I pray daily for God to help me see the direction my life should take now. I pray for our country to get past this pandemic. I pray for all the folks who have covid. I pray for a vaccine. I pray for the November election to go well.

I know miracles happen every day. My two are below.