My mother had incredible wit and she was a wonderful storyteller. I am compiling some of her stories into a book I hope to publish perhaps this summer. As I am going through and reading and editing her blogs I keep running across funny little things she says so I thought I'd share some of them here.
Children should be read to on a regular basis. My husband used to hold the babies and read the Wall Street Journal aloud while I cooked dinner. That was one of their special times with Daddy and they loved it. Of course, he put a great deal of expression into the stock reports and if they got fidgety, he sang it.
My Aunt Miriam didn’t sew. She always gave panties as birthday gifts. She and her family lived in an apartment, on the corner of Peachtree Place and Peachtree St. On the opposite corner was a quite nice ladies’ clothing shop, called Jean’s Shop. Miss Jean was a friend of my aunt. Miriam knew the correct size, style, fabric etc for each of her six sisters and me. Before a birthday, she’d call and order her panties present, have it gift wrapped, charged to her husband, and delivered. Mother thought it was funny but I loved receiving the beautiful undies. (Wonder what she’d think about the tiny, band aide size panties that girls wear now! Hardly worth the bother of wearing them, seems like.)
The other night around 3 a.m. I got up to go to the bathroom. As I was leaving, I noticed something on the white tile. I thought that Coco [the dog, a tiny Yorkie-Poo] had had an accident. So I grabbed a wad of toilet tissue and my long handled grabber and kind of dropped the tissue over the poop but it was not exactly centered. Then as I watched, the poop developed tiny legs and started crawling away. I picked up the tissue with the grabber and dropped it again and watched as it began moving slowly across the room. I was laughing so hard it was difficult to grab the darn thing and I didn’t want to wake the family. Finally, I got a grip and dropped it into the toilet and flushed. Well, duh, it was a water bug [palmetto bug] so was probably delighted to be in the toilet. I poured a glop of Clorox into the water and closed the lid. At least I’d chlorinated his swimming pool for him. Hope he doesn’t invite his friends!
Once when I was in high school, I came home from lunch at my cousin’s house and told my mother about a salad we had, called tuna salad. I raved over it so much, she finally bought one of those little cans of it and then had to call my Aunt Miriam to find out what on earth to do with it! She asked questions like, does it have to be washed and does it have lots of bones and skin? Even then, she did not eat it but did fix it for me. I still like tuna salad and have probably eaten enough of it to fill an 18 wheeler. When I first married, we had it a minimum of it at least twice a week; only once as tuna salad, though. I served is also as “chicken salad” - carefully rinsed under cold water and patted dry, and mixed up with mayo just like tuna salad. My husband proudly told people that I made grand chicken salad, unlike any he’d ever eaten before. Darn tooting! [NOTE: when Mom married she couldn't cook, so she improvised a lot..]
This time of year, the children come in from the mailbox with a stack of catalogues. Why, I can order everything from English Muffins to sex toys! What fun to peruse all those little pages from all over the world, then, decide there is nothing I want. Actually, shopping in stores is no fun for me, now, so I can order what I want to give for gifts and they are delivered right to my front door.
Some years ago, just before Christmas, I believe, word got out that a mistake had been made in one of the big catalogues. It could have been Sears’ but I am not sure. Anyway, a photo of a young man modeling men’s underwear showed his Mr. Happy. I checked it out but could not tell for sure! Just a case of a fellow being too big for his britches, I guess. (I may still have that photo somewhere…)
We went out to dinner one night while visiting Los Angeles in 1969, and we saw the actress Ann Sothern. It was a very nice seafood restaurant. After we placed our orders I kind of looked around. We were seated at a banquette. The one next to us was empty, then I saw Ann Sothern, with three other people, at the second table over.
I hissed at Tony, “Don’t look now. Don’t say anything. I’m going to tell you something but just keep looking at me.” I leaned in.
“Sitting right over there is Ann Sothern.”
Tony was annoyed.
“It is NOT. Ann Sothern’s dead.” He looked over there, right at her. “That’s not her. She’s DEAD.” He was loud.
"No! She's sitting right over there!"
"Elva, she's DEAD!" he said, even louder.
I just put my head in my hands. I was so embarrassed. I have a hangup about celebrities – I don’t believe in bothering them. People bothered my dad all the time when I was a kid because he was a famous baseball player and it used to upset me.
I finally looked over there and Ann and her party were dying laughing. They were looking at ME. I mouthed “I am so sorry.” Then they laughed and said “Don’t worry about it.” They were so nice.
For a time after my husband died, I’d been taking various courses that interested me, at Augusta State. Not more graduate courses just mostly fun things. A close friend, a recently retired Clinical Psychologist, and I decided to take the Computer for Idiots Class [not its real name]. About half way through the course that was moving along very slowly, I was trying not to jump out of my skin, when an old man in the back, held up his mouse and said, ”Now tell us again what this thing is for?” I very quietly and quickly gathered my stuff and walked out. I could just see the next day’s headline. ”Enraged woman beats up pot bellied old man with his mouse during a computer class at the college.” I did not return.
At some point growing up, one of my textbooks suggested that families should have a meal that represented another country and perhaps learn something about it.. When I told Mother about it she thought it was a great idea. A few nights later, we were served meatballs and Franco American spaghetti, a very easy meal. It was enjoyed so much that she branched out to meatballs and Chef Boyardee. A family member suggested she might research meals Yankees eat but she was not ready to put sugar in her cornbread and eat crunchy green beans.
[This is from a blog she wrote about advantages of being older]
You can tell people exactly what you think of them --- and get away with it usually! I don’t – but I know some who do. I have been tempted to have a card printed explaining the difference between “your” and “you’re”. EXAMPLE: You’re [you are] such a sweet person that I don’t know where you found your [nasty controlling] husband!
You can make up your own statistics. I started this some years ago, trying to be funny. But then I realized folks were actually listening. Example: It has been proven that 87% of all headaches are caused by too tight underwear.
Now that we are old, we can follow our interests and best of all, investigate new ones. We do have time if we want it. If you are reading this, you have a computer so you already know how much fun it is to think of a topic, then pursue it on the internet. I’m thinking of becoming a private investigator. I considered becoming a Senior Sex Therapist but decided business might be too slow.
Speaking of underwear, old people can wear – or not wear-- whatever pleases them. Some women feel more secure in “foundation garments” - all laced up liked trussed chickens – I am not one of them. I jiggle. I don’t care.
