I never realized how lucky I was to have my mother for as long as I did, until I found myself sitting in my house in the summer of 2020 wishing I could go into her room and share some news with her, news I knew would delight her.
She was in my life from birth until June 2020, when I was 58 years old. She shared all my heartaches and triumphs. She cheered me on when I was down. She was my sounding board when I was wrestling with a problem.
She was always willing to give advice, but if I didn't want it, she would just listen.
We had moments when we didn't see eye to eye. Two women living in the same house for sixteen years meant there was bound to be friction, at times. The dustups never lasted long, though.
If I could have anything for Christmas, just one thing -- if that magic could happen -- I would love to have one day, or even one hour, with my beloved parents.
Time makes love pass. Love makes time pass.
Italian proverb
This is the first known photo of me, in Mom's pregnancy bump.
Above, the three of us around 1988
Old age and the passage of time teach all things.
- Sophocles
If I could wave another magic wand, or make wishes come true, I would love to spend some time with my grandparents. Mom's parents were well-known to me, and much loved. Dad's parents died before I was born but my brother and I are named for them. I wish I had known them. Dad missed them his entire life, and talked about them often. It must have been terrible to lose both his parents before the age of thirty.
To my friends who are much younger, I want to say this: the greatest gift you can give your parents is the gift of time.
I spent much of this past year sorting through stuff that was accumulated over many years by me, my parents, and my kids. None of it was terribly valuable, but there were some fond memories around some of the things. Nonetheless, most of the things were sold or given away. Things start to become far less important as you get older. You begin to truly understand that you cannot take anything with you into the next life. A rich man and a poor man take up exactly the same space in a grave.
Objects have no souls. You cannot share a memory or a laugh with even the nicest shirt, or the shiniest piece of jewelry. A book cannot hold you when you cry. Even a big-ticket item like a car cannot comfort you when you're discouraged.
Over the years some of my friends have died. (Not many, thank God.) Many of my beloved aunts and uncles have died. I wish I had been more generous with my time. I wish I had talked to my friends, aunts, uncles and parents more often. I wish I had never been the one to hang up the phone. I regret not asking them more questions about their lives. I regret not hearing more about what was in their hearts.
Don't make my mistakes.
Time is the MOST precious gift you can give anyone.
Maybe this Christmas is a tough one financially. I've faced many of those during my life.
Here's an idea. Write out gift certificates for someone you love and give them the gifts of two hours of your time, for a meal out, or just a visit. Wrap up the gift certificates in a nice box. Or just call your mom every week, or every few days. Or call your dad.
Maybe your parents don't like to chat. That's OK. Take them for a walk, or a window shopping expedition. Cook with them. Play a board game. Rake leaves. Brush the dog. Put together a puzzle. Do something together.
Put down your phones. Skip the Tick Tok videos for a few hours. Quit texting your friends for two hours. Be really present when you're with your parents or someone you care about. Give that person your full attention. You will not regret it.
We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.
- T.S. Eliot
