Like most folks my age, I have now experienced the deaths of both of my parents. Mother left me in June of 2020 and I am still processing that loss. My father died in 1996. I had just turned 34 years old. Although at the time I felt middle-aged, I look back now and realize I was embryonic. I had led a fairly sheltered life up until then. I just didn't know it.
One of the nice things about being on the dark side of 50 is that you may have developed the ability to look back and see how the puzzle pieces of your life fit together. When I was in my twenties I found the future terrifying. I had calmed down a lot by the time my dad died, but his death still felt like someone had kicked the chair out from under me, and I couldn't get off the floor for a long time.
I wanted to share with you some things my dad shared with me, that I only realized in hindsight were really important.
Dad had an amazing ability to forgive people who had wronged him. There was a man who had worked for him and gone over Dad's head to say some ugly things about Dad to the big boss at the bank, which in my mother's view was utterly unforgivable. Dad forgave him readily. Another man Dad worked with was mentally ill and wouldn't take his meds, and Dad had to fire him, which was really painful. The man threatened to kill him, and Dad carried a pistol in his car for years and was hyper vigilant as a result. Years later, the man heard Dad was dying and went to see him in Augusta and Dad was gracious and nice. My mother was horrified -- but Mom was much more inclined to hold a grudge.
In my own life, I have friends I rarely exchange a cross word with, and friends I fuss and fight with frequently, but I forgive them (and they forgive me) and we remain friends. My brother is like mom in that he holds grudges, but I don't really see that as a positive trait. In the end, not forgiving is more harmful than forgiving someone because you are holding onto ill feelings that are poisoning you, not the person who wronged you. Forgiving releases you from that prison of negativity.
Dad always hated hypocrisy. I remember him going to a funeral of a man he knew professionally who wasn’t a personal friend and coming home really disgusted. Everyone at the funeral had spoken about the man in absolutely glowing terms. Dad told Mom they guy was a real jerk, but nobody was telling the truth at the funeral. Everyone felt they had to only say nice things because the guy was dead. Dad hated the dishonesty of that. Mom’s attitude was well what did you expect?! I see hypocrisy sometimes now and I feel like Dad; it’s nauseating to me. However, I refuse to let it bother me. Hypocrisy is like death and taxes; inevitable.
Snobbery is a terrible thing. I’ve seen Dad go out of his way to be kind and friendly to the janitorial staff and be just polite to the bank president. He had a way of being friendly to everyone which made people love him, because they could see that he was the opposite of a snob. Even though Dad had a master’s degree and spent 95% of his professional life as the vice president of a bank, he was never snobby. I think that humility was one of his defining characteristics because Dad was raised by two parents who couldn’t have been more different. Grandaddy was raised in a poor farming family in South Georgia and he had to quit school and help support his mother and siblings at a young age. Grandmother was also raised in a farming family, but in a prosperous, socially prominent southern family. A lady in her position shouldn’t have fallen in love with an uneducated man who had very little money and wasn’t her social equal, but she did. Mom said when Thompson was dying she nursed him faithfully and would talk about how beautiful he was, and Mom had never seen someone so loving and devoted to their spouse. Grandmother obviously was not a snob.
I like to think I inherited Dad’s anti-snobbery. I have known girls [mostly in high school] who came from well-to-do families who were just obnoxious. I also had a friend in high school who came from an obviously poor family, but he was far more friendly and interesting to talk to, and he was brilliant. I was delighted to find him on Facebook a few years ago and see that he is doing really well. To be fair, most of the obnoxious girls are now nice people, I am happy to report, and many are grandmamas now. People mature – a good reason to forgive. [Nobody should be judged forever by how they acted in high school!]
One should always be kind to young people who are still learning. Dad was always unfailingly kind to my friends, our neighbors, people he worked with, people at church, etc. but he had a soft spot for younger folks and I think that came from being raised by a teacher. Helping someone learn and grow as a person is a hugely rewarding thing. I’ve seen him mentor and nurture folks at the bank only to lose them to higher-paying jobs but Dad always wished them well.
I have tried to be a good friend/mentor to younger folks, personally and professionally, but I’m not sure if I am always successful. I do try.
Savor the joyful moments in life. Sometimes we are so anxious and/or stressed out that we forget to be joyful. I have fond memories of seeing Dad’s unbridled joy at something as simple as going swimming, or getting a phone call from one of his brothers, or discovering a new barbeque joint. His joy was contagious, too – I would see his delight and it would make me happy. He loved Christmas and would always take great delight in opening presents and seeing us open presents. I sometimes forget to enjoy my life, because there are so many things that are worrisome. I need to try and remember to seek out and cherish things I enjoy, and to put aside fear as much as possible. [Covid has made that difficult to do consistently.]
Love fearlessly. If Tony Thompson loved you, you knew you were loved. You would have no doubt. We would have some major disagreements sometimes, but I never doubted his love for me. I try to tell my kids and my friends I love them, fairly often. Some people say the words are meaningless but that’s not true. Saying the words is important. At the end of your life you are not going to look back and say “I shouldn’t have said I love you as often.” No, you will regret not expressing that more, because in the end, you will realize that material things are meaningless, and love is the most important thing in life. I hope when I am gone people will say If Dee loved you, you knew you were loved! It would be the highest tribute.
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