After twenty years living alone, my mom and I decided to share a house together after I adopted my daughter in 2004. She helped me a great deal with my kids, then around 2012 she started a gradual decline and I had to take care of her more and more, until her passing in 2020. I loved my mom very much and we were good friends but at times it was very stressful. I wish I had had a primer on how to care for an old person, some practical tips. I learned on the job, through trial and error. Being a caretaker was incredibly difficult, but my mom lived to be 86 and had a good quality of life. The second anniversary of her death is coming up in a couple of weeks and I still miss her terribly.
Despite the stress, there were many times when I was so thankful my mother was still with me. We talked about everything. She told me stories I had never heard before; stories about my dad, about her family members, about how she recalled events like World War II or the Cuban Missile Crisis. (She also wrote blogs, which I’ve collected into a book called Singing to the Cows.) As the proverb says, when an old person dies it’s like losing an entire library.
Below are some tips I wanted to pass along to anyone caring for an old person:
Fire Departments do more than fight fires. You can call them and ask them to come out and help you lift your senior off the floor or out of the car. They always came and helped me when I called and were really gracious about it, and kind to her.
If your senior starts to hallucinate or say crazy things don’t assume they are getting Alzheimers! It might just be a urinary tract infection [UTI]. A UTI can cause weakness and cognitive issues but is easy to cure if it doesn’t go too far. If left untreated, though, a UTI can cause kidney failure or even death.
Sometimes you don't need to buy expensive stuff. For instance, I spent a lot of money on Incontinence pads or "chucks" pads, after a friend who is a retired nurse told me about them. It's much easier to find "puppy pads" and they are exactly the same thing! Learned that from caring for my now elderly dog who has incontinence issues.
Older people often lose their sense of taste and don’t want to eat. Sometimes they lose dangerous amounts of weight, including important muscle mass. I found that my mom would often refuse regular food but would happily eat cold and creamy things. She got where she loved Greek yogurt, which is great because it’s nutritious and full of protein. I also started making her milkshakes for lunch, with real vanilla ice cream and an egg and sometimes some protein powder or peanut butter. She would also eat eggs very well, and those are a great protein source. [I was lucky because she didn’t have to eat a low cholesterol diet.]
Cooking meat for a senior is actually super easy. Low and slow! I would put a beef or pork roast in the oven at 250 for 6 hours or in the crock pot on high for 4-6 hours, and the meat would be super tender, much easier for Mom to chew.
Most seniors benefit from a nap. It helps particularly with edema of the lower legs. Help them in bed or into a recliner but don’t let them sleep more than thirty minutes.
Falling is a common fear among seniors. The wrong shoes often cause falls. Unfortunately, women often don’t want to wear sensible shoes. Get them good sneakers. Be willing to tie the shoelaces for them. Take them places where they will encounter other seniors wearing sensible shoes. Look into brands that carry non-sneakers that seniors will often wear, like SAS, or Easy Spirit.
Don’t allow doctors or others to talk to you instead of the senior, unless the senior is cognitively impaired. That used to really upset Mom, when people would ignore her and talk to me. Remember, your senior needs to retain their dignity and self-esteem.
Things to keep in the car:
- extra incontinence pads and undies
- bottled water
- towels
- extra clothes
- snacks
Things to keep in their purse or your purse:
- A list of their medications and dosages
- A copy of the advanced directive for healthcare
- A copy of any powers of attorney
- The name and phone number of their primary doctor
- A copy of their driver’s license, even if they don’t drive any more
A Few Other Thoughts
Is the senior’s will up to date? Even if they have little money, a will makes it so much easier and faster to settle the estate. Make sure they also have a valid healthcare directive, written specifically for the laws in your state. You will likely have to have that drawn up by an attorney. When/if your senior needs to go to the hospital that Advanced Healthcare Directive authorizes you (or whoever is chosen) to make end of life decisions. My mother told me if she ever got Covid to not let them put her on a ventilator. She got Covid. The hospital called me and said they wanted to put her on a ventilator. I had sent a copy of the Advanced Directive with the EMTs and I said no way, just give her pain meds and let her go. It's what she wanted.
If your senior wants to talk about death, let them. Be respectful. They have to come to grips with it, and you need to understand that.
Take out your phone and make videos. I only did it twice before my mom passed and I SO wish I had made more videos! Get your senior to talk about their life, their favorite memories, their childhood, their marriage, their faith. You will cherish those videos SO much in later years!
Even if your senior doesn’t like to go out, let them talk on the phone or on a zoom call to friends and family members. Mental and emotional health is as important as physical health.
Animals are very good for seniors. Pets are great therapy, especially pets who are happy being petted, and friendly to humans.
Costco offers good deals on hearing aids – like, 25-50% cheaper, in some cases. It’s worth buying the membership to get the amazing deals.
If you find yourself in a foul humor or snapping at your senior, take some time for self-care. Take a break and get out of the house. See a movie. Eat lunch with a friend. Go shopping. If you cannot leave your senior alone, find a sibling or neighbor or someone to come in and give you a break. Your mental health is important. I was lucky. My kids were sweet about taking care of their beloved Granny, and she was like another mother to them.
If you have siblings, ask them to take a turn taking care of Mom or Dad. During all the years I cared for Mom 24/7 there was only one week I got a break. My brother came and stayed while I went to the beach for a week with my son. He called me every day and reported what she ate, how long she napped, etc. – in excruciating detail. I wanted to curtail that but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. He told me later it was exhausting. (I was not too sympathetic.) She told me later he tried really hard but he was not as good a caretaker as me. She died 10 months later.
If you’re caring for a family member, tell them you love them every day. You never know – it may be the last thing you ever say to them.
