"I applied for the management training program at Sears and was told despite all my experience I would never be chosen for it because after I was trained I'd just get married and they would have wasted all that time and money training me." - Elva Hasty Thompson
My mother told me a lot of stories the last 15 years of her life because we lived together and she loved to reminisce. I loved to hear the stories. She didn't realize that some of her stories fueled my anger at how unfairly women were treated in the working world for a long time. I was always angry at how she was treated. The quote above is just one of many provocative things she said over the years.
She thought seriously about law school but her Uncle Harry, who was a lawyer, told her it would be a waste of time because she would just get married and quit, and would never work as a lawyer. [He was probably right, as Ruth Bader Ginsberg faced that issue herself, and wound up teaching law rather than practicing.]
When she got pregnant with my brother Mom was teaching school and she was forced to quit because in South Carolina visibly pregnant teachers were routinely kicked out of their jobs. Mom told me she cried for months when that happened because she loved teaching.
I was watching a story on CBS Sunday Morning about a new documentary about Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward and Woodward was quoted as saying when she was home with her kids she felt like she should be working and when she was working she felt like she should be at home working as a Mom.
That is the conundrum all working moms face.I know it well.
Most young women today have no idea the terrible "choice" women of my mother's generation were forced to make: career or family. Not both. You had to choose. Even Hollywood actresses faced the terrible choice. Many actresses, like Katharine Hepburn, chose career, and forever after had to endure questions about why they didn't have children. Jennifer Anniston gets the same treatment today. Men don't get grilled like that. They aren't considered pariahs if they choose career and decide not to be dads.
I am not going to say whether any woman should choose career or should choose motherhood. Every woman has to make that choice, or choose to do both in a way she can live with, whether it's hiring a nanny or getting help from babysitters or family members.
I asked Mom once why she didn't purse a singing career -- she had an incredible voice and sang professionally before marriage. She said she was told she simply couldn't have a music career and be a mother. I pointed out that it wasn't true. She wasn't strong enough as a young woman to swim against the tide though. She didn't have the self-confidence, which she understood later.
My mother always said she was glad she chose to be a mother. She didn't regret that.
My parents worked out a system of parenting that was pretty unconventional for the 1960's. I had no idea about until just a few years ago, and I was flabbergasted when Mom told me about it. Dad worked a full time job as a banker. Mom stayed home. However, when Dad got home at night he was in charge, not Mom. On weekends, he was in charge, not Mom. That meant Dad came home from work, changed clothes, and immediately stepped into Dad mode. He would give baths, change diapers, read stories, etc. Mom was then free to cook dinner. [We did go to bed very early, 7:30 or 8 for many years] On weekends [unless he was working, which sometimes happened] he was in charge. Mom was around, but other than preparing meals she was able to do what she wanted -- usually reading a book or gardening, or possibly church activities or visits with friends. Weekends were her time to regroup and have what today we'd call "me time."
The funny consequence of that policy is that because I spent all weekend hanging out with Daddy, I went to many many shows: gun shows, boat shows, RV shows, etc. I helped Dad with yard work. I went to the hardware store [in those pre Home Depot days]. I watched Dad play tennis or shoot skeet.I knew my father pretty well and that's as it should be. I loved dressing up and playing with dolls but I was totally comfortable with "boy stuff" also.
Dad stopped playing golf because it took too much time away from us on weekends.
Now, many men would have balked at that. They wouldn't have wanted to give their wives breaks like that. Dad was smart enough to realize Mom needed that break, though. She was a brilliant woman. She needed intellectual stimulation. She needed time with friends.
Dad always regretted that from 1959 until 1971 although he was a very present weekend father there were many times when his job demanded he work until late in the evening or on a weekend. He knew Mom had the biggest burden of caring for us. One Christmas Day, Mom had the flu and was really sick. Christmas dinner was canned Campbell's soup. We survived, and laughed about it later.
I was lucky to have two actual co-parents at a time when that was not typical.
I wish Mom had been given the choice to raise a family and have a career. I know she would have been an phenomenal singer/actress.
