The Crab Chronicles

Wedding Stories

Years ago I was driving on the Blue Ridge Parkway in East Tennessee on a Sunday afternoon, and listening to a local radio station when I heard the DJ say: "Now this one goes out to Tammy and Dwayne, up there on the parkway at mile marker 37, getting married. They're pulled over at the scenic overlook and they've got a justice of the peace and some folks with them and for their special day they wanted to play the special song that brought them together, the song that symbolizes their love." I grinned, wondering what sappy love song they had requested. The next thing I hear are the opening chords of Lynrd Skynrd's "Free Bird."

Now, I love Lynrd Skynrd, because they are classic southern rockers, but "Free Bird" at a wedding? Did Dwayne and Tammy really give any thought to the actual lyrics?

But if I stay here with you, girl
Things just couldn't be the same
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now
And this bird you cannot change
Oh, oh, oh, oh
And the bird you cannot change
And this bird, you cannot change
Lord knows, I can't change

 

Doesn't sound like a recipe for wedded bliss to me, but what do I know? I've never been married. They may be grandparents by now, happily married still.

 

My mother asked me once what song I wanted to be played at my wedding as Dad was walking me down the aisle. I said "Send in the Clowns." She didn't think it was funny.

Left, at my cousin's wedding in 1968. I was the flower girl. I was highly irritated because my great aunts saw that I was methodically eating all of the cheese straws off the food table, and told Mom. She threatened to spank me if I didn't leave the cheese straws alone. I had never had a cheese straw, and suddenly the whole ordeal or getting dressed up and being sweet for hours was more bearable because of the delicious cheese straws.

 

Then I got caught.

 

The next wedding experience came about when I was 16 and another cousin got married. I was asked to cut the wedding cake. Huge mistake. I had no idea what I was doing. In the photo below you see my efforts to cut carefully, so the cake didn't appear to have been attacked by Edward Scissorhands...

Weddings used to be pretty simple affairs. Everyone went to church or synagogue. There were 2-4 bridesmaids and a few groomsmen. Food was simple -- mints, maybe some cheese straws or cheese and crackers, a simple wedding cake from a bakery. That's how it was when my parents got married in 1957. Rich people might have really elaborate weddings but normal people didn't.

 

Nowadays, though, the wedding business is BIG business. Couples spend thousands of dollars on their weddings. I have a friend who makes custom wedding cakes that are works of art and cost thousands of dollars. That's fine. It's just that I keep being confronted with stories like this one about wedding behaviors and wedding trends that are disturbing.

 

So I thought I'd tell a few personal anecdotes about weddings I've attended, or been in.

 

I had a friend years ago who got pretty angry with me because I wasn't going to spend thousands of dollars to fly to some remote island to attend her wedding on the beach. I was in graduate school. I had no money. Turned out the marriage was a huge mistake and hubby was an abusive alcoholic so I'm glad I skipped that one. I went to her next wedding and that was a lot of fun because there was fabulous food, dancing, etc. Also, that husband, although not wealthy, was super sweet and willing to put up with a really bossy wife, so it all worked out.

 

When my brother got married I sang in the wedding. I had been studying voice and singing for years so I looked forward to it. At the last minute, the regular church organist was sick, so this young teenager whose mama thought he was Mozart came in and accompanied me. The mother told him to play really loud and drown me out. He tried. Didn't work. I'm sure they heard me in the next county. There is a hilarious moment on the video where I am singing and I hit a high note and my brother is visibly startled. I could see his jaw muscle twitching and I knew he was trying not to laugh. / They are now divorced.

 

When my best friend from childhood got married I was a bridesmaid. Lovely wedding, elaborate reception at the country club. I got tipsy and got up onstage and sang with the orchestra. I was in fine voice, my friend said -- she has the tolerance of a saint. I have very little memory of it. / My friend is still married, 38 years now!

 

I have a good friend who has been with his wife for about ten years but they lived together about 5 years before they married. Neither one wanted an elaborate wedding. It was a second marriage for both. They were in the courthouse one day while Paul renewed his weapon permit and they decided to just go ahead and get a license and get married. I think they were both wearing flip flops. They didn't spend ANY money on the wedding and they are STILL married!

 

It's supposed to be about formalizing the relationship, not who spends the most money. I've saved thousands by just avoiding marriage my whole adult life. One day I might find a victim -- I mean a husband. Don't hold your breath, though.

A Woman Must Always Be Cautious

I read Sean Dietrich's column every day and the one for today is particularly poignant because it talks about runners doing a memorial run for a young mother named Eliza who was killed in Memphis last week by a man who never should have been out of prison.

Sean quotes a father who says: "I don’t want my daughter growing up in a world where women have to be afraid."

I have news for you, Sir: there are two kinds of women in the world. Those of us who are acutely aware that we aren't as strong or tough as guys, and we take precautions to stay out of situations where we could be hurt, and women who think the world is a safe place. It's not. Eliza went out jogging at 4:30 a.m., alone. Bad idea. I am NOT "blaming the victim." She should have been able to jog safely.

However, the man who abducted, raped and killed her, was out on the street, not behind bars, as this article says: If he had not been released early due to sentence-reduction credits, he would have been behind bars during both the attacks on Fletcher and the other woman.

He was supposed to serve 24 years but he only served 20, according to this article. I blame the politicians who allowed him to go free. THEY should be publicly apologizing to Eliza's family.

Years ago when I got out of college and got my first apartment alone, my brother gave me intensive self-defense instruction. He also bought me a .38 pistol and showed me how to use it. If Eliza had had a pistol -- or even pepper spray -- she might be alive today.

Newsflash: 99% of all women in the world are simply not as strong as men. We don't have the size or strength of men. We HAVE to be cautious. We SHOULD worry about our own safety. We should never assume we are safe in ANY neighborhood.

Below, some great advice for young women about being safe.

It's Out of My Control

One of the blessings (or perhaps it's a curse) of being me is that I always look for patterns in my life, and I always find patterns.Most of us rock along in our own individual patterns in our lives and we don't even realize what they are or why we cling to them.

I just realized yesterday that of my 5 novels -- four published and I am still working on the 5th -- 4 of them center around death and inheritance. My first novel [Ghosts in the Garden City] is about a young woman whose father dies, and she inherits an old suitcase. The contents of that old suitcase cause her to start trying to solve a mystery involving her paternal grandmother, and while doing so she unravels a dark family secret. My second novel [Leaf Season] is about a man who inherits a house when his uncle dies, and the house holds a mysterious trunk in the basement. My third novel [Heart of My Own Heart] is about a woman who travels through time to help her descendants understand the gifts that she has passed down to them. The novel I am still working on involves the search for a missing beneficiary after a wealthy man dies.

[right, me and my father, about 1988]

So why am I obsessed with death and luggage and missing or mysterious things?

My dad was a trust banker. Most people have no idea what that means. Dad was head of the Trust Department of several different banks during his career. "A bank trust department is a specialized group within a bank that focuses on investing and administrating assets left in a trust fund."

I recently wrote a short blog post about what a Living Trust is and why it's a good way to leave assets to your descendants. It basically puts the control over assets [money, real estate, a stock portfolio] in the hands of a trustee, who makes distributions according to the terms of the trust. It's a smart thing to do because it prevents someone from just inheriting a bunch of money and blowing it all.

Dad often had to tell trust beneficiaries "No, I'm sorry you've spent your allowance for the month, but I cannot legally give you any more money." He used to get calls late at night, early in the morning, when we were on vacation, etc. from people frustrated because Dad wouldn't violate the terms of the trust and just hand over a bunch of money to them. One guy called Dad in the middle of the night and said he was in Las Vegas and he owed money to the mob and they were going to kill him if he didn't pay them what he owed them. Dad said I'm sorry but you spent your monthly allowance already. The guy was a cokehead and Dad knew he was being played. Dad was really good at not giving in to those kinds of demands.

Anyway, I sort of digressed from my point. Control is something most of us crave and we panic if we don't have it, but control is often not a good thing.

In my own life, I have noticed that when I let go of trying to control a situation, good things always happen. It's hard to let go, but that feeling of truly getting out of my own way and turning over a situation to God always results in a solution presenting itself to me. I wrestle with really "turning it over to God" however. I love the feeling of being in control of a situation. I relish it.

Why do humans always crave the feeling that WE are in control?

Simple. We feel powerful and strong if WE are in control. There's an arrogance to it.

"By releasing control over circumstances, you gain more control over your life." - Kyle Maynard

At the end of the movie Cast Away, Tom Hanks' character gives a wonderful speech about control [LINK]. "I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. Somehow, I had to keep breathing, even though there was no reason to hope. All my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. Then one day that logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in and gave me a sail. Now I'm back..."

I love that movie. It's about a man obsessed with time and with control and he has to learn a huge life lesson about letting go.

If living through a pandemic for the last few years has taught us anything, as a country, it's that this notion of us being able to control the narrative is a delusion. All WE can control is how we react to things that happen to us, like covid, or high prices, or employment, or even love.

I have two friends I love dearly who choose life alone. I think that they choose to live that way because being in a relationship means giving up control. When you love someone, really love them with your whole heart, you have to relinquish some of the control in your life. You have to compromise, and often do things you don't really want to do. The payoff is that you are loved and cherished and [usually] not lonely. I pray often that my friends will unlock their hearts and allow someone to get in and fill their hearts with love, because in my humble opinion

Love = Magic

Sometimes I write blogs to remind myself of things, and this has been one of those blogs. Trying to control everything in my life has always led to negative and painful situations. I have to let go of the illusion of control. I have to open the doors and windows of my heart and let in light and air. I have to concede that by letting God [or The Universe or simply Love] control my life I am not giving up or giving in, but I am embracing the change that needs to happen. I have to not freak out if that change is scary or it makes me uncomfortable. Faith in God helps tremendously. Maybe letting go means accepting some pain, but it's only when we experience pain that we experience growth.

Here endeth the lesson...

 

Food Rants from a Major Foodie

As I've gotten older I've learned to be really laid back about most things. I just don't get worked up about most things the way I did when I was younger, and that's awesome. Keeps the blood pressure down. However, I must admit that my passion for food, menus, recipes, even cookware, also includes some rant-worthy opinions.

Buckle up, because when I rant, I like to go full tilt. Otherwise, why bother?!

I threw in some hashtags because, why not?! They are fun to write.

 

Chewy Pasta

I got into a ridiculous argument on social media recently with a guy who took issue with the fact that I believe that pasta should be cooked longer than the package directions say, because soft pasta is far more delicious than "al dente" pasta. He said the pasta would be mushy if cooked too long. He was guessing on that. He admitted he didn't know how to cook! He didn't back down even when I said my grandmother always cooked her pasta 3 times longer than the package said and her mac & cheese was out of this world delicious. I have eaten it many times. I actually wrote an entire guest blog about it, Mac and Cheese for Easter. Years ago I had incredibly wonderful homemade pasta at an Italian restaurant and it was very soft. So don't tell me it should be chewy. aldentepastasucks, #pastashouldbesoftasababyscheek, #chefsarewrong, #mymacandcheeserocksandyourssucks

 

Hot Fried Chicken

My memaw made the best fried chicken in the known universe and my mama made the second best. I would smell it cooking in the electric skillet and inevitably burn myself trying to eat each piece before it cooled down. Now the trend is to make it so spicy hot that it sets your mouth on fire. WHY?!? Why would anyone want to eat like that?! If you want to do that to wings, knock yourself out. There was a place in Knoxville years ago where I liked to eat because they did hot and spicy wings, and their other specialty was ice cream, which I thought was brilliant marketing. After setting my lips on fire I was more than ready to slurp on some ice cream. Ruining a lovely chicken breast or leg with nuclear hotness is just wrong, though. #hotchickenisstupid, #memawschickenisbest, #friedchickenshouldnotmaimlips, #memawisflippinginhergrave

 

Shrimp Tails

I just watched a video of a delicious shrimp and crab dish on Facebook and the chef left the tails on the shrimp. OMG that's my pet peeve! I love shrimp. There is no reason to leave the tails on! Just because the "experts" on the Food channel say leave the tails on, guess what?! You don't have to leave the dadgum tails on! Every time I get shrimp at a restaurant and I find tails on I want to just throw a nuclear hissy fit. #shrimptailsareevil #notailsonshrimpever #banthetails #donotbeashrimptailslave #thinkforyourself #tailsonshrimpareacommieplot

 

Spinach Stems

I never liked spinach as a kid but now I love it. A local restaurant in Tucker makes a spinach salad I adore, with fresh spinach, toasted walnuts, dried cranberries, red onions [which I pick off], gorgonzola cheese crumbles and a balsamic vinaigrette. Problem is they leave the stems on the spinach! I have to sit and se-stem every leaf or I can't enjoy the salad. Is it silly? Probably. The salad is world-class delicious, but sometimes I don't order it just because I don't feel like de-stemming. #stemsonspinachsuck, #donotruinagoodsaladwithstems, #popeyeneverdealtwiththis

 

Cheese

As I have gotten older I've developed a condition called lactose intolerance. I can do fine with a teaspoon of butter or 1 slice of cheese. I avoid heavy cream, cream cheese, ice cream, etc. I seriously envy people who don't have tummy issues after ingesting heavy dairy. Why is it so many food videos show heavy cream, cream cheese, etc.? Isn't there a better way? I've researched this a little bit. I refuse to grind up nuts. Coconut milk is a natural laxative so no thanks. Scientists need to get to work on this, asap.  Will skinny cows give lowfat milk? Why not?!? #lactoseintolerancesucks, #creamcheeseisevil, #heavywhippingcreamcankissmyass

It was hard to think of a good photo for this post, so I am going with an old standard. That's my great-grandfather William Dozier Hasty and his prize cow