One of the blessings (or perhaps it's a curse) of being me is that I always look for patterns in my life, and I always find patterns.Most of us rock along in our own individual patterns in our lives and we don't even realize what they are or why we cling to them.
I just realized yesterday that of my 5 novels -- four published and I am still working on the 5th -- 4 of them center around death and inheritance. My first novel [Ghosts in the Garden City] is about a young woman whose father dies, and she inherits an old suitcase. The contents of that old suitcase cause her to start trying to solve a mystery involving her paternal grandmother, and while doing so she unravels a dark family secret. My second novel [Leaf Season] is about a man who inherits a house when his uncle dies, and the house holds a mysterious trunk in the basement. My third novel [Heart of My Own Heart] is about a woman who travels through time to help her descendants understand the gifts that she has passed down to them. The novel I am still working on involves the search for a missing beneficiary after a wealthy man dies.
[right, me and my father, about 1988]
So why am I obsessed with death and luggage and missing or mysterious things?
My dad was a trust banker. Most people have no idea what that means. Dad was head of the Trust Department of several different banks during his career. "A bank trust department is a specialized group within a bank that focuses on investing and administrating assets left in a trust fund."
I recently wrote a short blog post about what a Living Trust is and why it's a good way to leave assets to your descendants. It basically puts the control over assets [money, real estate, a stock portfolio] in the hands of a trustee, who makes distributions according to the terms of the trust. It's a smart thing to do because it prevents someone from just inheriting a bunch of money and blowing it all.
Dad often had to tell trust beneficiaries "No, I'm sorry you've spent your allowance for the month, but I cannot legally give you any more money." He used to get calls late at night, early in the morning, when we were on vacation, etc. from people frustrated because Dad wouldn't violate the terms of the trust and just hand over a bunch of money to them. One guy called Dad in the middle of the night and said he was in Las Vegas and he owed money to the mob and they were going to kill him if he didn't pay them what he owed them. Dad said I'm sorry but you spent your monthly allowance already. The guy was a cokehead and Dad knew he was being played. Dad was really good at not giving in to those kinds of demands.
Anyway, I sort of digressed from my point. Control is something most of us crave and we panic if we don't have it, but control is often not a good thing.
In my own life, I have noticed that when I let go of trying to control a situation, good things always happen. It's hard to let go, but that feeling of truly getting out of my own way and turning over a situation to God always results in a solution presenting itself to me. I wrestle with really "turning it over to God" however. I love the feeling of being in control of a situation. I relish it.
Why do humans always crave the feeling that WE are in control?
Simple. We feel powerful and strong if WE are in control. There's an arrogance to it.
"By releasing control over circumstances, you gain more control over your life." - Kyle Maynard
At the end of the movie Cast Away, Tom Hanks' character gives a wonderful speech about control [LINK]. "I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. Somehow, I had to keep breathing, even though there was no reason to hope. All my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. Then one day that logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in and gave me a sail. Now I'm back..."
I love that movie. It's about a man obsessed with time and with control and he has to learn a huge life lesson about letting go.
If living through a pandemic for the last few years has taught us anything, as a country, it's that this notion of us being able to control the narrative is a delusion. All WE can control is how we react to things that happen to us, like covid, or high prices, or employment, or even love.
I have two friends I love dearly who choose life alone. I think that they choose to live that way because being in a relationship means giving up control. When you love someone, really love them with your whole heart, you have to relinquish some of the control in your life. You have to compromise, and often do things you don't really want to do. The payoff is that you are loved and cherished and [usually] not lonely. I pray often that my friends will unlock their hearts and allow someone to get in and fill their hearts with love, because in my humble opinion
Love = Magic
Sometimes I write blogs to remind myself of things, and this has been one of those blogs. Trying to control everything in my life has always led to negative and painful situations. I have to let go of the illusion of control. I have to open the doors and windows of my heart and let in light and air. I have to concede that by letting God [or The Universe or simply Love] control my life I am not giving up or giving in, but I am embracing the change that needs to happen. I have to not freak out if that change is scary or it makes me uncomfortable. Faith in God helps tremendously. Maybe letting go means accepting some pain, but it's only when we experience pain that we experience growth.
Here endeth the lesson...
