I am cursed with the ability to see things really TOO clearly sometimes. I understand both sides of issues, which means of course that I refuse to join either of the two main political parties in this country because I disagree with things in both parties. [Don't worry this isn't a political post.]
I saw a video early this morning that gave me pause, about a young fashion designer named Max. I've seen several of his videos. Check out his Instagram page, couture.to.the.max -- it's a revelation. Max's parents recognized when he was only 4 years old that he was passionate about fashion design and they encouraged him, giving him sewing lessons and really helping him by nurturing his talent. He is only 8 now but his fashion designs are mature and remarkable.
I applaud Max's parents!
Thank God Max was born in the 21st century.
I am 62 years old and I know this for a sad fact: if Max had been born to my parents in the 1960's his talent in fashion would NOT have been encouraged. My dad was a hunter and a fisherman and he would have been horrified to have a son into something as feminine as fashion. Mom would have tried to shield Max from being bullied or discouraged but she likely would have failed. My brother was encouraged to be a hunter and to join the Army and he was taken on hunting trips starting at age 3. Before he started school he had his own rifle and knew how to shoot it, load it, and clean it.
I'm not saying doing those things is a bad thing, if a child truly has a passion for guns and hunting and the like. I have always wondered, however, how different things might have been if my dad hadn't pushed my brother into everything hyper masculine.
My brother loved to draw, and he liked music, and Mom started teaching him how to cook when he was still a kid. None of that was shared with Dad, although I'm not sure there was any real conspiracy to keep him from knowing. I think my brother just knew from a young age that if he wanted to be close to his father he had to go along with the program Dad wanted.
I don't like the term "toxic masculinity" but it's very accurate sometimes.
I was allowed to play with toy guns AND with dolls. I ran around playing with Hot Wheels and playing football in the street, and Dad didn't care. If anything, I had the opposite problem from my brother -- a mother and grandmother who pressured me to be demure and "ladylike" and to conform to their ideas of how a little girl should be, which I always resisted. [You can read more about that in my memoir, Talking Back: Stories from the Big Hair and Pantyhose Years, on Amazon.]
My brother went along with Dad's program for him and graduated from high school and went into the Army, then majored in Political Science in college, graduated and spent 10 years in the Army. He went to Iraq in 2008.
The sad thing is that my brother's real passions are food, cooking, and nutrition. His mother and grandmother were also passionately interested in those things as well, so he comes by it honestly. Sadly, I'm quite certain that if he had rejected the Army in favor of a career focused on food, in some way, Dad would not have been supportive.
Dad grew up during the World War II years and he had a passion for everything military. There's nothing wrong with that, but why did he demand that my brother fulfill his dreams, instead of encouraging him to nurture what he found interesting?
I think very traditional men like my dad were always worried that their sons not appear "weak" and anything traditionally categorized as feminine was perceived as weak. I think some dads still think that way, and what a shame for their sons.
My brother was a highly active child, very bright. He started talking at 6 months. At age 2, Mom taught him to read, to entertain him while she was pregnant with me and on bedrest.
His teachers had no idea how to handle him because he was always so bored. Dad wouldn't let him skip a grade or go to a Montessori school, and as a result my brother hated school.
So I admire Max's parents very much. Even if Max ultimately decides to do something other than fashion, his parents will likely be supportive, I'm sure. I'm so glad that attitudes about what is appropriate for little boys are changing. Denying any child the opportunity to pursue what they really enjoy and feel passionate about is not healthy. Forcing children to conform to gender stereotypes is not healthy. Giving children the unspoken idea that a parent's love is conditional upon them conforming to the parents' will is really not healthy.
My daughter once took an aptitude test, in high school, and it said she should be a truck driver. Everyone thought it was funny -- she was a petite, very feminine blonde -- but I told her if she wanted to try for that I'd support her fully.
When I was through with college and having trouble finding a job I told Dad I wanted to be a bartender. He had a fit. He yelled at me. I explained I could tend bar at night and write during the day. He still wouldn't hear of it. The discussion ended with me in tears. A few months later he agreed to pay all my expenses to go to paralegal school. Then he tried to push me into going to law school. He had once been given a scholarship to law school and turned it down -- so I was supposed to fulfill his lawyer dreams. I will always wonder what would have happened if I had become a bartender...
