The Crab Chronicles

How Boomers Can Reverse Declining Fertility Rates

I always knew I wanted to be a mother, and if you'd told me as a child that one day I would adopt two children over the age of ten I would have been astonished. I feel strongly that God gives us the children we were meant to have, though. I have LOVED being a mom. I wish I could have adopted or given birth to 2-3 more. Unfortunately, according to the CDC, the fertility rate here in the USA is at an all-time low. It has been declining for years but now, despite the heroic efforts of celebs like Nick Cannon and Elon Musk, and many pro basketball players, the sad fact remains: we ain't having enough babies, y'all.

This is the latest data, as of 2023, according to the CDC:

• 2023 birth rates
  • declined for women ages 20–39 years
  • were unchanged for females aged 10–14 and 40–49.
• The birth rate for teenagers aged 15–19 was down 3% in 2023 to 13.2 births per 1,000 women.
• The birth rate for women ages 20–24 (55.4) reached a record low.

According to the Pew Foundation:

"Among the cultural shifts affecting fertility rates, one of the more prominent changes has been Americans delaying or forgoing marriage. Women are marrying later in life, and birth rates for single women are less than half that of those who are married.¹⁹ Women are also delaying having children until later in life—part of the reason why fertility rates have dropped among women in their 20s, which has more than offset increases for women in their late 30s and 40s.²⁰ A recent analysis by the Brookings Institution projected that for young women today, the average number of children they have over their lifetimes would fall compared with the average number for women in prior generations.²¹ A recent Pew Research Center survey found an increasing share of U.S. adults without children reporting they were unlikely to ever have children.^22"

My son is 28 and he cannot afford his own home, much less the expense of getting married and having a family. Many in his age group [20-40] are choosing not to have children because of the expense, and a general fearfulness about the world, including climate change fears. I get it. Student loan debt is crushing. Childcare costs are enormous. Many cannot afford to buy homes. It makes me really sad to think that young people feel like they just cannot afford children, for whatever reason.

Worse, though, is that if we don't make new people, all ages will eventually suffer, as explained in this article from the Pew Charitable Foundation. We need new people to fund the tax base, to do important jobs, to advance science and technology. Speaking as a Baby Boomer, we need the youngsters to take care of us in our old age!

According to ABC News, we need youngsters because:

"They’ll not only staff the hospitals and nursing homes we’ll use in old age but also sustain the economy by funding our pensions when we retire, paying the taxes that finance Social Security, Medicare, and many other government programs we’ll rely on, and buying the homes and stocks we invested in to build our savings."

 

I feel strongly that my generation (Baby Boomers) needs to step up and help our young folks. Let them live at home. Help them with childcare. Loan them funds at no interest. Encourage them to view parenthood as a beautiful experience. My kids greatly benefited from having their Granny in their lives, in the same house, and I think it's part of why she lived to age 86. I would be happy to help if my son had a serious girlfriend or wife and they asked me to help in their parenthood journey. I am SO ready to be a memaw! Boomers, step up and get creative. Let's help our kids embark on the hardest job they'll ever love.

 

 

left, me as a baby, and my older brother

 

right, me and my kids and mother in 2007

Rescuing the Children

I try to avoid political discussions on here and I do not intend for this blog to focus on politics, but I have something to say about JD Vance. I didn't really know who he was until recently. Then he started being mentioned as a possible VP contender and I decided to do some research.

This interview he did 7 years ago with Megan Kelly [LINK] is where I started. She begins the interview in a powerful way, going through a list of adverse childhood consequences that some kids suffer -- being hit, living with alcoholic or drug-addicted parents, being sworn at or humiliated by your parents- and he answers "yep" to every one of the things Megan mentions.

I know a little something about that.

Both of my children are adopted. Both were born to alcoholic mothers, and they lived with their mothers the first 6 years [my daughter] or 8 years [my son] of their lives. Both my kids have struggled with low self-esteem, anxiety, Depression, sleep issues, social awkwardness, stunted growth, and more. 

In 2004 when I adopted my daughter I tried to do as much research as possible into older kids in Russian orphanages. She was 12 then. She had been in the orphanage 6 years. I found out that when the kids aged out of the orphanages they were often denied housing and jobs because of the stigma of being in an orphanage. I learned they often turned to crime, and often had babies who then ended up in an orphanage, and worst of all -- they often didn't make it. One study I read said that most orphans never lived past 30 because they were either killed (a consequence of a criminal life) or they committed suicide.

Now, JD Vance didn't go to an orphanage. His story is similar, though. He was taken away from his drug-addicted mother and sent to live with her parents, his grandparents, and they provided him with love and stability. How lucky for him.

I see so many parallels with his story and the stories of my kids.

I adopted my daughter and brought her home when she was 13 years old. Many people told me I was crazy to adopt her, because she wouldn't do well in a family. Truthfully, we had some issues. I won't lie. However, I do not regret adopting her. Not at all.

My son came from a similar background, but he had spent 8 years with his birthmom and only 2 years in the orphanage. His right hand was amputated due to frostbite, after he was beaten unconscious by some boys when he was 5 years old. His much older brother committed suicide and that was even more traumatic because Michael adored his brother.

Children who are raised in homes that are unstable, who are neglected or abused, etc. -- they suffer because trauma actually changes their brains. This is a fact. They cannot be blamed for what happened to them, but they will live with the consequences for the rest of their lives. I adopted my children in hopes that by loving them and giving them a stable family life that they would have a chance at normal, successful lives. Both of my children are grown now, and both are doing well, but they have struggled with substance abuse issues in the past. They have had a lot to overcome, but none of it was their fault.

I love my kids and I am proud of them. They are not in jail. They aren't in mental institutions. They have stability, and love. In my book, those are wins.

JD Vance's journey began with terrible instability and trauma, but his beloved Mamaw instilled in him the idea that he must make good grades and work hard to make something of himself. She loved him and believed in him, and that love pulled him through. The military also helped him focus, and gave him a way to get a college degree, and then he could attend Yale law school. He also married a loving and supportive partner, also an attorney. So there were many blessings in his life but he also had to work very hard.

My son is a loving and kind man who works hard and has a natural kindness and magnetism.I hope and pray one day my son will find a loving and supportive partner.

JD Vance is shining a light on the plight of kids raised in unstable homes by drug-addicted parents, and his memoir Hillbilly Elegy shows how he made it out of poverty and made something of himself. I applaud him. He is the proof of how a loving parent [or grandparent] can transform a child. JD Vance could easily have ended up in a life of drugs, a life of crime, working some unfulfilling tedious job and struggling. Instead, he is a senator and he may one day be our Vice President, or even our President.

JD's life gives me hope -- not just for my kids, but for all kids in similarly sad childhoods, who are worth rescuing, and who can be transformed.

The Right to Know Who We Are

I have never wondered about my parentage. Every time I see a photo of myself I am reminded of the fact that I am the "spitting image" of my dad, what he would look like in female form, basically. According to 23andMe my mother and I are connected by 49.84% of our DNA.

When you get the testing done by Ancestry or 23andMe it includes a list of people who share your DNA. Increasingly, more and more people get tested, and many of them learn their parent who raised them had no biological connection to them. As you can imagine, that type of information shatters one's identity.

My friend Rob grew up and lived most of his life secure in the knowledge that he was his father's son. They shared the same name - Rob is a "Jr." However, when Rob did the DNA testing through Ancestry half of his relatives -- the ones on his father's side -- were missing. He wrote about that very upsetting event here. Rob was Donor Conceived.

Many people (millions) are learning, through Ancestry and 23andMe testing, that they are part of the DC (Donor Conceived) community, and the NPE (Non Parent Expected) community.

According to a survey done by the Pew Research Center in 2019: "About one-in-seven U.S. adults (15%) say they have ever used a mail-in DNA testing service from a company such as AncestryDNA or 23andMe, according to a new Pew Research Center survey... Roughly a quarter (27%) of those who say they have used mail-in DNA testing say they learned about close relatives they didn’t know about previously."

So how many people are now going through the painful process of finding out they have a previously unknown parent, like my friend Rob? Today, there are 341,567,135 people in the USA. If 15% have had the genetic testing done (that was the percentage in 2019) that's 51 million people. About 5% of those people will find out they are part of the NPE community.

That has led to a lot of people finding out that half of their medical history is missing. Millions of people are out there wondering about their parentage and their medical histories. My friend Rob was lucky, because one of his half siblings passed along the medical history of his biological father. Oftentimes, people who owe their existence to artificial insemination are not so lucky.

 

I was inspired to write this blog when I read this article this other day: AncestryDNA, 23andMe introduce you to new relatives. Now the nightmare: They won't offer medical history.

I am the parent of two adopted children, adopted from overseas, and my children have no idea about their medical history. They don't even know the names of their biological fathers. So we don't know if they have the genetic markers for cancer, Huntington's Disease, Parkinsons, or any other disease or medical condition. 

Knowing your medical history is very important. The right to know one's medical history can mean the difference between life and death.There are diseases which, if detected early, can be cured or at least managed. But if you don't know your history you don't even know if you have the genetic markers, and should be tested for them.

I have been a litigation paralegal since 1985 and I have seen a lot of frivolous litigation but there is one case I would love to see go to the Supreme Court. Imagine a man who finds out his father was a guy his mother had a brief affair with, and he wants to know the medical history of his biological father. He gets the genetic testing done and finds out the identity of the man. He asks the bio dad for a medical history. The bio dad, who is ashamed of his son born out of wedlock, refuses to hand over any medical history information. The son sues him. Bio dad continues to refuse to disclose anything. The case could make its way through lower courts and wind up making new law in the Supreme Court.

"A medical history is important, and no reasonable person will deny that. It can save someone's life," according to my friend Jack, a retired lawyer. I regret that Jack is long retired and can't take on a case. He gave me some valuable insights in a phone call recently.

One aspect of this is whether or not the right of privacy would outweigh the right to know. That would be important for the court to consider.

If you aren't familiar with how lawsuits work, here's the 411. It usually takes years to get a case through lower courts, to the level where it's going to be heard in the United States Supreme Court. When you take a case to the Supreme Court they decide whether or not to grant cert (hear the case) based on a number of factors. At the circuit court level there has to be disagreement about the law, for example.

I feel strongly that every person has the right to know who their biological parents are, and their medical history.

I would love to see an attorney take on this kind of case in real life, working for a real client, and take the case to the Supreme Court. I want the United States Supreme Court to make new law that says YES, we ALL have a right to know our medical history. That ruling would change lives. It would likely save lives. It would not be about money. It would be about JUSTICE.

Call me old-fashioned or naive. I don't care. I will always think justice is important.

#DNAtestingoutcomes, #medicalhistoryforthenpecommunity, #testcaseonmedicalhistory

Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Fire

I believe in ghosts. Years ago I used to watch a show called Ghost Adventures and oftentimes the team would go into abandoned mental hospitals and talk about the hauntings there, and how horrible those places were. I have no doubt that they were awful. I would never advocate for bringing back those places, as they were operated in the past. However, I also believe that by closing those hospitals we made it harder to put away severely mentally ill people against their will, and that is a big component in the huge uptick in mass shootings, like the one that took place in Maine the other day.

Just in the past couple of years, mass shootings have increased dramatically (source) and so far in 2023 America has experienced 565 mass shootings -- and we have two more months to go before 2024. Something has to be done.

The factors leading up to this started around 1963, when President Kennedy urged states to close state run mental institutions and adopt a more community-based model for treating the mentally ill, according to Georgia Overhauls Its Mental Health System, a 2011 article. Furthermore:

"By the early 1980s, studies revealed thousands of patients released from state mental hospitals received no follow-up, treatment or assistance. In many states, smaller in-patient facilities like nursing homes and adult care homes became discharge destinations by default. And many of those facilities became the very institutions they were intended to replace, rife with neglect and abuse of those who needed help."

When I was a kid, I remember that you could walk into a store and buy a gun and walk out, without waiting on a background check. Boys could carry hunting rifles to school in their cars. Nobody freaked out. However, back then severely mentally ill people could be locked up in mental hospitals pretty easily too. Those terrible places where people were kept against their will prevented crazy people from victimizing others. I don't want to see them brought back but we have to be able to detect and put away people likely to commit mass shootings.

Details are now emerging about the Maine shooter.

"A Maine law enforcement bulletin circulated this week identified Card as a trained firearms instructor at the U.S. Army Reserve base in Saco, Maine. It said he had reported hearing voices and had other mental health issues..." Also the gunman "...suffered from paranoia and "felt like people were talking about him," factors that might have led him to target the venues he attacked." And yet, "...officials had no evidence Card was ever "forcibly committed" for mental illness treatment." [Source]

I also believe there has been a sharp uptick in all gun violence because so many mentally ill people live on the streets. Serious mental illness and homelessness go hand in hand. According to this source:

"In 2006, Markowitz published data on 81 US cities, looking at correlations between the decreasing availability of psychiatric hospital beds and the increase in crime, arrest rates and homelessness. He reported that, as state hospital bed capacity decreased, the number of mentally ill homeless individuals increased, along with crime and arrest associated with homelessness. This is consistent with studies in Massachusetts, Ohio and New York in the late 1980s finding that, within six months, 27% to 38% of patients discharged from state mental hospitals were homeless or had “no known address.”

Of course there are other factors that are important when considering the causes of gun violence and mass shootings, undeniably. It is very difficult to get mental health treatment -- for anyone. It's expensive and many insurance companies will not pay for it, or will only pay part of the costs.

I also blame the ACLU. Of course, they deny any role in mass shootings and cast the blame elsewhere, saying the gun industry should be better regulated.I disagree.To legally buy a gun in this country is not a quick or easy process. It's actually quite difficult. I should know. My brother works in a store that sells guns. However, to illegally obtain a gun is not that difficult. So if we ban guns, criminals will still have them but good, sane folks will be vulnerable. Most police departments are experiencing critical manpower shortages because nobody wants to be part of that profession. So banning guns or making them extremely hard to get is not a good solution.

I cannot offer any quick and easy solutions. Every time there is a mass shooting people have a fit about gun control, but so far I have not heard one argument from those folks that sounds like a good plan. Posting signs saying "Gun Free Zone" just encourages unstable people to view schools, churches, and shopping centers as great places to kill people. The signs make the problem worse -- and I credit author Larry Correia for teaching me that. He has some very smart things to say about gun control and you can learn more here.

Here are what I see as the facts of this whole dilemma:

Mental hospitals of the past unfairly incarcerated people and were often horrific places and should not be re-created. However, we need to do better about helping mentally ill people in this country.

Perfectly sane people do not shoot innocent people. The data is clear that by emptying and closing down mental institutions and/or making it difficult for mentally ill people to get treatment, we are just forcing them to live on the streets. They self-medicate with drugs and/or alcohol and commit crimes to support their habits, often ending up in prison, which is not appropriate treatment either.

Most mentally ill people do not think they are mentally ill. Often they do not want to take their medication. My son had a roommate who fit that profile in that he hated taking his meds but I have seen him nut up and it is very scary. Years ago, my father had to fire an employee who was bipolar and wouldn't take his meds, and the man threatened to kill Dad. Dad carried a gun for years afterwards. I have seen mentally ill people in my own family who were on the edge of violence. If someone doesn't want to believe they are mentally ill, or doesn't want medication, right now there is nothing that can be done, long-term. You can only commit someone involuntarily for a few days, and then they are released.

The Maine shooter should not have been free. The tragic result of the stupidity and short-sightedness of our treatment of the mentally ill is that good, and normal people are DYING. Every day, everywhere.They should haunt our politicians, get them to enact legislation that will make it easier and faster to get help for the mentally ill.

As a nation, we HAVE to figure this out and it will not be an easy or quick process.

[right, me and my brother in high school, shooting out in the country]

#howtostopmassshootings, #mentalhealthreform, #stoppinggunviolence, #gunsarenottheissue, #homelessnessandmentalillness, #larrycorreiaisright

Bizarre Art

My uncle Lewis was a fine artist and a professor of art at Hollins University for more than thirty years. I grew up surrounded by his paintings. It never occurred to me we were in any way unusual because we had original oil paintings in our house. Among the paintings were two portraits of my father's parents in our dining room for many years. (I thought everyone had real living breathing grandparents and other grandparents just in paintings.)

I have always been fascinated by art and by artists.

I don't much care for most contemporary art, but I don't hate it or have a closed mind to it, either.

I was astonished recently to see the photo below of a new sculpture in Chicago that is supposed to honor Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and his wife. To me it looks... well, bizarre is the kindest word I can use.

According to an NBC news story:

"The bronze structure, which is 20 feet long and 26 feet wide and titled “The Embrace,” depicts the arms, shoulders and hands of the Kings hugging after Martin received the Nobel Peace Prize in 1964, the moment immortalized in a famous photo."

Does this look like two people embracing?

To me, it looks like severed arms are holding a giant bean or a giant poop.

The photo that inspired the sculpture can be seen on this page. It's lovely. I also admire the aim of the sculpture, as stated on the website:

"The Embrace is intended to inspire visitors to reflect on the values of racial and economic justice that both Kings espoused."

What is sad and disturbing to me is that this sculpture detracts from the message, because it's so bizarre.

For many years, this quote has been on my email signature: "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only love can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

I love that quote because it's so true, and it's profound. Dr. King faced terrible danger many times in his life. He went to jail for his beliefs. He was assassinated because he had the courage to fight for a more just world. He deserves to be honored with a beautiful, dignified memorial.

The artist who did the sculpture, Hank Willis Thomas, likes sculptures of severed arms and hands, as you can see here and here.

My son only has one hand, so you may be thinking I am particularly sensitive to depictions of hands and arms. Nope. I am just utterly puzzled that this sculpture was approved by many people before it was installed.

The artist wants viewers and visitors to the site to feel "...the same spirit of love and unity that the Kings embodied" [source] and that's certainly noble, but I don't think that's what viewers feel.

Some wags on Twitter said: "it is horrifically bad" / "Did they run out of bronze?" / "The picture [of the Kings embracing] is boring since it doesn't have the two-armed monstrosity holding an "eggplant" while walking on its elbows." / "This evokes confusion." / "What I got from the statue was that it should be illegal to electrocute a contortionist." / "Viewed without faces, the sculpture looks degrading & laughably sexual. It’s terrible." / Context doesn't help, as this guy argued. Still looks like a giant turd."

As much as I admired Dr. King, I find this statue bizarre and awful. It is controversial, which might have been the whole point...

 

Living a Public Life

I was always a fan of Princess Diana because we were almost the exact same age and I followed the reporting on her life with great fascination. I videotaped the coverage of her 1980 wedding to Prince Charles with great delight, because I didn't want to get up at the crack of dawn to watch it live.

When Diana died in 1997 I cried. You may think that's silly but like so many others, I felt great sadness. I felt really sad for her sons, having to finish their childhoods without her. They were already dealing with the relentless publicity they couldn't escape simply because of their family.

Harry's new memoir Spare, however, has me shaking my head in absolute disgust. Surely he must realize it's very unlikely that Charles and William will ever want to restore Harry to his former place in the family, in any capacity? The Oprah interview from a couple of years back was the first step in Harry burning his bridges. I am absolutely certain Harry knew, based on the backlash he got about interview, that publishing the book was not a good idea IF he wants to have any sort of healthy relationship with his dad and brother.

Oprah said later about her interview with Harry and Meghan, "I try to stay out of people's family business." Really? What did you think Harry and Meghan were going to talk about? Oprah chose her questions very carefully. I'm sure nothing was a surprise to her.

Harry said when he and Meghan left England and moved to Canada that he wanted to leave his royal life behind. Fine. Step out of the spotlight. Nobody is going to have a problem with that. Go in peace, to live however you want. Harry's uncle Prince Edward leads a very quiet, private life. It can be done.

However, then Harry left he started a media blitz [the Oprah interview, the 6 part Netflix series, now the autobiography and a lengthy 60 Minutes interview] guaranteed to keep him in the public eye.

Harry said of his brother William in the 60 Minutes interview "I love him deeply."

Really?

Is that the way anyone shows their love -- by saying hurtful things about them IN PUBLIC?!

If I could talk to Harry, I would say How can you claim you never intended to hurt your family and turn around and immediately spill your guts about them, telling stories that you must know will cause them great public embarrassment?

Let's turn it around. Let's say William started giving a lot of interviews telling unflattering stories about Harry to the press. Harry would be furious.

My take on it is this.

William and the rest of the royal family probably didn't treat Meghan exactly as she wanted to be treated, 100% of the time. I don't want to get into that controversy. I think that Meghan realized soon after her engagement that being part of the royal family was not going to be all fun and games. It's a serious business. Harry was part of the family business. Unlike most family businesses, though, there has always been a limit to what was revealed to the public, and for good reason. The royal family has endured a lot of scandals, dating back decades. The British press is relentless in their coverage, as Diana's death proved.

I think Harry and Meghan realized that if they just left, there would be a cessation of money, except for Harry's inheritance from his mother. However, Harry isn't hurting for money, as many sources report. He also inherited money from his great grandmother and he has earned money from when he was in the military. My point it simply that Harry didn't have to do any interviews. He wasn't hurting financially. He and Meghan could live lavishly without doing interviews and a Netflix series and publishing a book. They moved into a Montecito mansion that was recently listed for sale for $33 million dollars. They are looking for a new home because apparently 10,000 square feet just isn't enough space.

Waaaah. Call the wambulance.

Despite Harry's assertions that he wants to be closer to his father and brother, I think Harry and Meghan knew that Harry's revelations about his family would cause a permanent rift. Harry isn't a moron. The brother he is trashing is the future king of England. The father he is trashing is the current king.

The Netflix deal alone is estimated to have a $100 million payoff to Harry and Meghan.

So now Harry and his family can live a REALLY lavish lifestyle and never work another day, and the price was simply that he had to give up any hope of reconciliation with his family. As we know, Meghan is estranged from most of her family. If anyone referred to Meghan as the Yoko Ono of the royal family it wouldn't surprise me..

I think neither Harry nor Meghan realize, however, that a big portion of the public finds their behavior repugnant, and a lot of the public sympathy they gained for walking away from the royal life is gone now. A few minutes of research shows the Brits aren't too happy about Harry's whining.

I think soon a lot of folks will NOT be wild about Harry.

#princeharry, #meghanmarkle, #princessdiana, #spare, #sussex, #harryandwilliam, #harrywhiny,

Formerly the Queen of the Uptight

I used to be a person that freaked out quite easily. I was the opposite of laid back. I was the Queen of the Perpetually Uptight. That's not a good thing, trust me.

Everything is energy. It took me years to really grasp that but that's one of the benefits of getting older. If you're lucky, and you keep an open mind, you will accumulate knowledge that will help you cope. My hard-won knowledge of energy is as comforting to me as religion is to a lot of folks. 

One of my cousins posted a long essay about vibrational energy on Facebook. Below is a quote from it:

7 things that affect your vibrational frequency from the point of view of quantum physics.

Vibration in quantum physics means that everything is energy. We are vibrating beings on certain frequencies. Every vibration equals a feeling and in the "vibrational" world, there are only two kinds of vibration, positive and negative. Every feeling makes you emit a vibration that can be positive or negative.

 

Every thought emits a frequency out to the universe and that frequency goes back to the source, so in case if you have negative thoughts, discouragement, sadness, anger, fear, it all comes back to you. This is why it is so important that you take care of the quality of your thoughts and learn to cultivate more positive thoughts.

 

So true. When I was younger my head was filled with a lot of negative thoughts. School stressed me out because I was always wanting to make top grades and when I didn't immediately grasp the material I panicked. I also got bullied at school because I was chubby. At home, I was a constant source of annoyance to my older brother because I was walking around breathing in the same house, so he liked to tease me mercilessly.

 

I grew up and became a paralegal, mainly because my dad thought it was a good idea. I really never wanted to be a paralegal. It took me years to make peace with it. I felt obsolete in my last paralegal position -- lots of negative energies. (Thanks be to God I now have a job I love where I can use my legal background but I get to write all day, a huge blessing.)

 

I have told my son many times, we can control our thoughts. He is only slowly coming around to accepting this idea. It's true, though. Once he really understands that and puts it into practice, life will get easier. I have noticed this in my own life. It can be very tricky to do, though.

 

I have a relative who is a big strong guy but he is the most fearful person I know. He constantly worries about everything, and as a result those fears control him. My last few conversations with him have been very strained so I have decided to distance myself from him for the time being. If I told this guy that the key to inner peace lies in thought control he would snort with contempt. [I've seen that many times! He is the Snort King!] He cannot do what I do so often in life and simply turn it over to God. He knows the concept, but he cannot do it. Turning it over to God is just a mental exercise. It's the act of saying to God [or the Universe, or whatever deity you believe in] that you feel completely frustrated and unable to handle a problem, but you are going to turn your thoughts elsewhere and trust God/The Universe/Buddha/whoever to handle the problem. Taking a mental vacation from your thoughts can be very difficult to do because you stop trying to control the situation. It's absolutely necessary, though, to avoid all the worry and feelings of inadequacy and anxiety.

 

I think sometimes people cling to their negative thoughts because letting go of them would feel like a betrayal, or an acknowledgement that they aren't always right.

 

When you focus on the positive, though, it changes things. Let's say you don't believe in God. You know the happiness you feel when you express love? That's positive energy and that's a healing energy. Pet your dog or cat for a few minutes. Play with your child. Take a walk by a lake or river. Close your eyes and listen to a favorite song. Take a friend out to lunch. Put those positive vibes into yourself and see what happens.

 

I don't want to get into a political argument here but I was reminded of this yesterday as I watched the news coverage of the overturning of Roe v. Wade. Half of the people in America are in deep despair over that Supreme Court ruling. The other half are rejoicing and celebrating -- but also quite anxious about the possible backlash. The same can be said for the gun control bill just passed by Congress. Some rejoice, some despair.

 

The entire country feels awash in negative energy. We all need to walk that back -- and we can. All the negative energy accomplishes nothing. It's really wasted energy. Roll up your sleeves and work for the side you believe in, and keep focusing on the result you want. Protest peacefully if you like. Don't riot because that does nothing good. Express loving feelings through acts of kindness.

 

My dad had a very stressful job. He was a bank vice president. His days were often long and very stressful. When he got home from work, though, he would always change clothes and spend time with his children, usually playing with us. He really played -- on the floor, playing with toys, singing songs, playing games. He told Mom it was his favorite part of the day because he could forget about all the stress of the day.

 

We all need to remember that. You want to change the world? Fine. Go play. Go love. Go sing your song. Fill yourself with positive energy and wait for the blessings to roll in, as inevitably as the tide.

 

 

The Post Plague Years

I did not realize until yesterday just how much I have missed feeling like a reasonably normal person in a normal/typical/average world. I did something yesterday I had not done since approximately January 2020.

I met a friend for lunch.

I know it's not a very exciting event to report, two women sitting in a Greek restaurant eating and catching up, but it gave me a tremendous boost that was sorely needed. I just didn't know it was needed.

I have known my friend Dana for almost thirty years. When I first moved to Atlanta in 1993 she was working as a legal secretary at an insurance defense law firm just off Clairmont Road and every day we ate lunch together in the break room. When she left the firm it was really upsetting to me, but I understood her reasons. She eventually became a paralegal. We stayed in touch and over the years socialized as often as our busy schedules allowed. It seemed like right as her sons were getting grown and freeing up her time I was adopting my kids and my life got super complicated. Dana and I have very similar tastes in movies and books so often we would go to an afternoon movie together. Sometimes we would read the same book and enthusiastically discuss it. 

Here's the fascinating thing. I don't recall every having a serious disagreement with Dana. I treasure her friendship.

The greatest thing Dana ever did for me -- besides taking me home and staying with me after I had dental surgery 20 years ago -- was recommending a doctor for my mom. The last ten years or so of her life Mom was the patient of a gerontologist at Emory who had been treating Dana's dad. Mom hated doctors on principal but she loved Dr. Graves. Yep, you heard that right, a gerontologist named Graves. Great guy.

After Mom passed away in 2020 Dr. Graves called me and talked to me for 20 minutes. He told me he had reviewed all the hospital records from Mom's final days and although she had Covid, it was really kidney failure that did her in. I had unwittingly contracted Covid and given it to Mom, so it was really kind of him to call and discuss her final illness with me. A great weight was lifted from me. When Covid hit in the spring of 2020 Mom was in rehab, and when she came home in April of that year I had been so careful to quarantine, restrict her visitors, mask when out of the house, wash my hands, etc. I did everything the CDC said to do and I still got it. Mom was 86 though, and it was just her time.

Anyway, I digressed.

Dana is now taking care of her Mom and I know so well how hard it is to be a 24/7 caretaker of an elderly person. Mental health breaks are super important. Dana also is in the process of selling her house and her mom's house and I know the gut-wrenching process so well, having sold my house last year. So I've tried to pass along a few tips to Dana.

It has been really hard getting accustomed to being alone after my mom passed away and my son moved out. Strangely enough, although I miss my wonderful neighbors very much, the apartment has not been all bad. I walk Lola twice every day and I often run into familiar faces and we chat. Lola loves everyone and makes new friends easily. I can feel the sun on my face. I know if there were to be an emergency I could go knock on the door of a neighbor and they would help me. There's a lot to be said for being part of a community.

Covid has taught me the value to human interactions, while also making me more cautious about germ transmission. My grieving process for my mom has been complicated because of covid but there are many people in this country who have had it much worse. Perhaps the world needed to be shaken up, a bit. Perhaps like the Spanish flu of 1918 we will always mark this time in history as a learning time, as a nation. Despite all the chaos in the world today, I think most Americans are grateful to be alive, grateful to be American, and much more aware of our need for human connection.

We are all in this together.

left, my son and Lola

right, outside my apartment

What Real Estate Listings Don't Say

Last year I sold my almost 3,000 square foot home and moved to an apartment. I didn't want to live in an apartment but the house prices around here were crazy and I needed a better job to be able to get a mortgage, so the apartment has become my temporary home. I still look at real estate listings online a lot, on Zillow and Realtor.com, mainly just because I find it fascinating to look at houses, and see how everything is laid out, the colors, the kitchen design, etc.

It occurred to me only after I moved in here that whoever upgraded this apartment was a very tall person. This apartment makes me feel like a child. I couldn't reach the ceiling fan cords. I couldn't begin to reach the shower curtain rods. The bar in the kitchen is the height of my chin. The bathtub sides are so high I had to figure out how to climb over them, and it's quite a gymnastic feat. I am too short to see out the peephole on the front door.

I am not THAT short. I'm 5'3.

I had to take the apartment sight unseen, because after making dozens of calls, I could only locate ONE place in my preferred area that would take pets and had an elevator. Some places would take pets but only if they weighed less than 40 lbs. Many places simply had NO units available on my move-in date. It was maddening.

Anyway, I still look at online listings, just out of curiosity.

It occurred to me today that whenever I get ready to move into a house or condo again, I need to look for the following items in the listing description, and if the item isn't mentioned then I need to ask the seller about it.

Is the home set up for a VTP? [Very Tall Person -- see issues above]

Has the home recently been sprayed for roaches? [I had to get a pest control guy in here right after I moved in, and the guy sent by the apartment folks was a moron. I paid my own guy and it solved the problem.]

Is flood insurance required by the lender? [learned that lesson the hard way]

Has anyone ever died in the home? Would a spirit removal be covered under the home warranty, if necessary?!

Did the prior owner smoke? [Yes, some people still smoke inside, and it can be really hard to get the smell out.]

Would the neighbors freak out if I wore a bathrobe to get the mail? [my dad used to get the mail early on summer mornings, sometimes wearing only boxers, much to the delight of the neighbor ladies]

Is there wallpaper? [sometimes they don't take photos of the wallpapered rooms for the listing; fiendishly clever]

Is the water hard or soft? [in my younger years, when I "fixed" my hair every stinking day this was a hugely important question]

Is the toilet right next to the wall? That's probably not FCF [fat chick friendly]

How high is the property insurance every year? Will it kill my chances of retiring early, at around 70?!

Have snakes ever gotten lost inside the house? [yes, I personally know of that happening in several homes...]

When we tour the house can we look in the attic for signs of squirrels, possums, raccoons, dead bodies?! [Don't laugh -- in older homes this can be a real thing.]

How is the internet connection? [I learned the hard way that if there are lots of tall trees around the WiFi may be affected]

How far away is the nearest hospital? [if you're over 50 this is something to consider]

Does the power go out a lot when it storms?

How close is the nearest swimming pool? [at my last house, whenever there was a swim meet the street was choked with parked cars for hours]

Finally, I borrowed some shots of a home that is currently for sale, and these poor folks are going to have a hard time with this one...

I think this bathroom was designed by Vincent Price and Debbie Reynolds...

 

 

 

 

Below, the home of the Dumb & Dumber guys...

Buy Products Made in America

I know it's not Thanksgiving yet but I am already at least thinking about Christmas gift ideas. This holiday season, please strive to support small businesses here in America. With rampant inflation and ongoing issues with the supply chain, we all need to be mindful of the importance of supporting each other. I have several friends and acquaintances who own their own small businesses and I want to help them promote their products. I am a savvy buyer though, so I want to reassure you that I have actually purchased and used most of these products and I will vouch for their customer service and quality products.

I have written about my friend Jon Jackson's beautiful work at Comfort Farms, giving veterans a place to heal from the traumas of war and a way to regain their purpose in life. His approach to therapy is unique and amazing, and you can learn more here. There are lots of ways to help. If you are near Milledgeville, Georgia, you can go over in the summer and fall and purchase incredible produce and meats. You can also check out Farm Focused and purchase unique and well-made clothing that promotes the brand of Comfort Farms and other farms.

left, my mom wearing one of the awesome aprons made at Down South House and Home

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My friend Stacy Reece runs a wonderful business in Clarkston, Georgia, just a few minutes from me, Down South House and Home.  I have purchased many of her dishtowels, aprons, napkins, and other products and they are excellent quality as well as being clever and unique. I had a great time interviewing Stacy a few years ago for this blog, and you can read it here. Although most of her products are timeless, Stacy keeps up with trends. You can see her selection of masks here. Have a guy who is hard to buy for? Check out the humorous socks offered at Down South.

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If you are in the Atlanta area and you need a wedding cake or other special occasion cake, check out my friend Jenean's business, Carlton's Cakes. Jenean is a scientist as well as a baker and she has helped brides out by making gluten-free cakes, dairy-free cakes, and vegan cakes. Jenean's cakes are widely celebrated. She has won awards from The Knot and Jezebel magazine, and her cakes have even been found in movies!

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Feridies is a family-owned business out of Virginia that offers utterly delicious [and nutritious] products that I have purchased as gifts many times. A few years ago I interview Jane Riddick-Fries for this blog and really enjoyed learning about the delicious and unique products.

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I love products with a sense of humor. Check out Duke Cannon -- "Our products are tested by soldiers, not boy bands." I have ordered some of their products for Christmas gifts this year. (Don't tell my son or my brother...)

 

Other products:

I have purchased an used the wonderful products from Goat Milk Stuff over the years and always been impressed by their quality. It's a family-owned and run business.

I am going to blatantly self-promote here, so please don't hate me. My book Singing to the Cows is a collection of essays written by my mom about her life and her humor and wisdom are evident on every page. If you need a gift for someone 75+ years old, I guarantee they will enjoy the book. If you like to cook but more importantly hear stories about recipes, check out What's for Dinner, Mom?