The Crab Chronicles

Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Fire

I believe in ghosts. Years ago I used to watch a show called Ghost Adventures and oftentimes the team would go into abandoned mental hospitals and talk about the hauntings there, and how horrible those places were. I have no doubt that they were awful. I would never advocate for bringing back those places, as they were operated in the past. However, I also believe that by closing those hospitals we made it harder to put away severely mentally ill people against their will, and that is a big component in the huge uptick in mass shootings, like the one that took place in Maine the other day.

Just in the past couple of years, mass shootings have increased dramatically (source) and so far in 2023 America has experienced 565 mass shootings -- and we have two more months to go before 2024. Something has to be done.

The factors leading up to this started around 1963, when President Kennedy urged states to close state run mental institutions and adopt a more community-based model for treating the mentally ill, according to Georgia Overhauls Its Mental Health System, a 2011 article. Furthermore:

"By the early 1980s, studies revealed thousands of patients released from state mental hospitals received no follow-up, treatment or assistance. In many states, smaller in-patient facilities like nursing homes and adult care homes became discharge destinations by default. And many of those facilities became the very institutions they were intended to replace, rife with neglect and abuse of those who needed help."

When I was a kid, I remember that you could walk into a store and buy a gun and walk out, without waiting on a background check. Boys could carry hunting rifles to school in their cars. Nobody freaked out. However, back then severely mentally ill people could be locked up in mental hospitals pretty easily too. Those terrible places where people were kept against their will prevented crazy people from victimizing others. I don't want to see them brought back but we have to be able to detect and put away people likely to commit mass shootings.

Details are now emerging about the Maine shooter.

"A Maine law enforcement bulletin circulated this week identified Card as a trained firearms instructor at the U.S. Army Reserve base in Saco, Maine. It said he had reported hearing voices and had other mental health issues..." Also the gunman "...suffered from paranoia and "felt like people were talking about him," factors that might have led him to target the venues he attacked." And yet, "...officials had no evidence Card was ever "forcibly committed" for mental illness treatment." [Source]

I also believe there has been a sharp uptick in all gun violence because so many mentally ill people live on the streets. Serious mental illness and homelessness go hand in hand. According to this source:

"In 2006, Markowitz published data on 81 US cities, looking at correlations between the decreasing availability of psychiatric hospital beds and the increase in crime, arrest rates and homelessness. He reported that, as state hospital bed capacity decreased, the number of mentally ill homeless individuals increased, along with crime and arrest associated with homelessness. This is consistent with studies in Massachusetts, Ohio and New York in the late 1980s finding that, within six months, 27% to 38% of patients discharged from state mental hospitals were homeless or had “no known address.”

Of course there are other factors that are important when considering the causes of gun violence and mass shootings, undeniably. It is very difficult to get mental health treatment -- for anyone. It's expensive and many insurance companies will not pay for it, or will only pay part of the costs.

I also blame the ACLU. Of course, they deny any role in mass shootings and cast the blame elsewhere, saying the gun industry should be better regulated.I disagree.To legally buy a gun in this country is not a quick or easy process. It's actually quite difficult. I should know. My brother works in a store that sells guns. However, to illegally obtain a gun is not that difficult. So if we ban guns, criminals will still have them but good, sane folks will be vulnerable. Most police departments are experiencing critical manpower shortages because nobody wants to be part of that profession. So banning guns or making them extremely hard to get is not a good solution.

I cannot offer any quick and easy solutions. Every time there is a mass shooting people have a fit about gun control, but so far I have not heard one argument from those folks that sounds like a good plan. Posting signs saying "Gun Free Zone" just encourages unstable people to view schools, churches, and shopping centers as great places to kill people. The signs make the problem worse -- and I credit author Larry Correia for teaching me that. He has some very smart things to say about gun control and you can learn more here.

Here are what I see as the facts of this whole dilemma:

Mental hospitals of the past unfairly incarcerated people and were often horrific places and should not be re-created. However, we need to do better about helping mentally ill people in this country.

Perfectly sane people do not shoot innocent people. The data is clear that by emptying and closing down mental institutions and/or making it difficult for mentally ill people to get treatment, we are just forcing them to live on the streets. They self-medicate with drugs and/or alcohol and commit crimes to support their habits, often ending up in prison, which is not appropriate treatment either.

Most mentally ill people do not think they are mentally ill. Often they do not want to take their medication. My son had a roommate who fit that profile in that he hated taking his meds but I have seen him nut up and it is very scary. Years ago, my father had to fire an employee who was bipolar and wouldn't take his meds, and the man threatened to kill Dad. Dad carried a gun for years afterwards. I have seen mentally ill people in my own family who were on the edge of violence. If someone doesn't want to believe they are mentally ill, or doesn't want medication, right now there is nothing that can be done, long-term. You can only commit someone involuntarily for a few days, and then they are released.

The Maine shooter should not have been free. The tragic result of the stupidity and short-sightedness of our treatment of the mentally ill is that good, and normal people are DYING. Every day, everywhere.They should haunt our politicians, get them to enact legislation that will make it easier and faster to get help for the mentally ill.

As a nation, we HAVE to figure this out and it will not be an easy or quick process.

[right, me and my brother in high school, shooting out in the country]

#howtostopmassshootings, #mentalhealthreform, #stoppinggunviolence, #gunsarenottheissue, #homelessnessandmentalillness, #larrycorreiaisright

Bizarre Art

My uncle Lewis was a fine artist and a professor of art at Hollins University for more than thirty years. I grew up surrounded by his paintings. It never occurred to me we were in any way unusual because we had original oil paintings in our house. Among the paintings were two portraits of my father's parents in our dining room for many years. (I thought everyone had real living breathing grandparents and other grandparents just in paintings.)

I have always been fascinated by art and by artists.

I don't much care for most contemporary art, but I don't hate it or have a closed mind to it, either.

I was astonished recently to see the photo below of a new sculpture in Chicago that is supposed to honor Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and his wife. To me it looks... well, bizarre is the kindest word I can use.

According to an NBC news story:

"The bronze structure, which is 20 feet long and 26 feet wide and titled “The Embrace,” depicts the arms, shoulders and hands of the Kings hugging after Martin received the Nobel Peace Prize in 1964, the moment immortalized in a famous photo."

Does this look like two people embracing?

To me, it looks like severed arms are holding a giant bean or a giant poop.

The photo that inspired the sculpture can be seen on this page. It's lovely. I also admire the aim of the sculpture, as stated on the website:

"The Embrace is intended to inspire visitors to reflect on the values of racial and economic justice that both Kings espoused."

What is sad and disturbing to me is that this sculpture detracts from the message, because it's so bizarre.

For many years, this quote has been on my email signature: "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only love can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

I love that quote because it's so true, and it's profound. Dr. King faced terrible danger many times in his life. He went to jail for his beliefs. He was assassinated because he had the courage to fight for a more just world. He deserves to be honored with a beautiful, dignified memorial.

The artist who did the sculpture, Hank Willis Thomas, likes sculptures of severed arms and hands, as you can see here and here.

My son only has one hand, so you may be thinking I am particularly sensitive to depictions of hands and arms. Nope. I am just utterly puzzled that this sculpture was approved by many people before it was installed.

The artist wants viewers and visitors to the site to feel "...the same spirit of love and unity that the Kings embodied" [source] and that's certainly noble, but I don't think that's what viewers feel.

Some wags on Twitter said: "it is horrifically bad" / "Did they run out of bronze?" / "The picture [of the Kings embracing] is boring since it doesn't have the two-armed monstrosity holding an "eggplant" while walking on its elbows." / "This evokes confusion." / "What I got from the statue was that it should be illegal to electrocute a contortionist." / "Viewed without faces, the sculpture looks degrading & laughably sexual. It’s terrible." / Context doesn't help, as this guy argued. Still looks like a giant turd."

As much as I admired Dr. King, I find this statue bizarre and awful. It is controversial, which might have been the whole point...

 

Living a Public Life

I was always a fan of Princess Diana because we were almost the exact same age and I followed the reporting on her life with great fascination. I videotaped the coverage of her 1980 wedding to Prince Charles with great delight, because I didn't want to get up at the crack of dawn to watch it live.

When Diana died in 1997 I cried. You may think that's silly but like so many others, I felt great sadness. I felt really sad for her sons, having to finish their childhoods without her. They were already dealing with the relentless publicity they couldn't escape simply because of their family.

Harry's new memoir Spare, however, has me shaking my head in absolute disgust. Surely he must realize it's very unlikely that Charles and William will ever want to restore Harry to his former place in the family, in any capacity? The Oprah interview from a couple of years back was the first step in Harry burning his bridges. I am absolutely certain Harry knew, based on the backlash he got about interview, that publishing the book was not a good idea IF he wants to have any sort of healthy relationship with his dad and brother.

Oprah said later about her interview with Harry and Meghan, "I try to stay out of people's family business." Really? What did you think Harry and Meghan were going to talk about? Oprah chose her questions very carefully. I'm sure nothing was a surprise to her.

Harry said when he and Meghan left England and moved to Canada that he wanted to leave his royal life behind. Fine. Step out of the spotlight. Nobody is going to have a problem with that. Go in peace, to live however you want. Harry's uncle Prince Edward leads a very quiet, private life. It can be done.

However, then Harry left he started a media blitz [the Oprah interview, the 6 part Netflix series, now the autobiography and a lengthy 60 Minutes interview] guaranteed to keep him in the public eye.

Harry said of his brother William in the 60 Minutes interview "I love him deeply."

Really?

Is that the way anyone shows their love -- by saying hurtful things about them IN PUBLIC?!

If I could talk to Harry, I would say How can you claim you never intended to hurt your family and turn around and immediately spill your guts about them, telling stories that you must know will cause them great public embarrassment?

Let's turn it around. Let's say William started giving a lot of interviews telling unflattering stories about Harry to the press. Harry would be furious.

My take on it is this.

William and the rest of the royal family probably didn't treat Meghan exactly as she wanted to be treated, 100% of the time. I don't want to get into that controversy. I think that Meghan realized soon after her engagement that being part of the royal family was not going to be all fun and games. It's a serious business. Harry was part of the family business. Unlike most family businesses, though, there has always been a limit to what was revealed to the public, and for good reason. The royal family has endured a lot of scandals, dating back decades. The British press is relentless in their coverage, as Diana's death proved.

I think Harry and Meghan realized that if they just left, there would be a cessation of money, except for Harry's inheritance from his mother. However, Harry isn't hurting for money, as many sources report. He also inherited money from his great grandmother and he has earned money from when he was in the military. My point it simply that Harry didn't have to do any interviews. He wasn't hurting financially. He and Meghan could live lavishly without doing interviews and a Netflix series and publishing a book. They moved into a Montecito mansion that was recently listed for sale for $33 million dollars. They are looking for a new home because apparently 10,000 square feet just isn't enough space.

Waaaah. Call the wambulance.

Despite Harry's assertions that he wants to be closer to his father and brother, I think Harry and Meghan knew that Harry's revelations about his family would cause a permanent rift. Harry isn't a moron. The brother he is trashing is the future king of England. The father he is trashing is the current king.

The Netflix deal alone is estimated to have a $100 million payoff to Harry and Meghan.

So now Harry and his family can live a REALLY lavish lifestyle and never work another day, and the price was simply that he had to give up any hope of reconciliation with his family. As we know, Meghan is estranged from most of her family. If anyone referred to Meghan as the Yoko Ono of the royal family it wouldn't surprise me..

I think neither Harry nor Meghan realize, however, that a big portion of the public finds their behavior repugnant, and a lot of the public sympathy they gained for walking away from the royal life is gone now. A few minutes of research shows the Brits aren't too happy about Harry's whining.

I think soon a lot of folks will NOT be wild about Harry.

#princeharry, #meghanmarkle, #princessdiana, #spare, #sussex, #harryandwilliam, #harrywhiny,

Formerly the Queen of the Uptight

I used to be a person that freaked out quite easily. I was the opposite of laid back. I was the Queen of the Perpetually Uptight. That's not a good thing, trust me.

Everything is energy. It took me years to really grasp that but that's one of the benefits of getting older. If you're lucky, and you keep an open mind, you will accumulate knowledge that will help you cope. My hard-won knowledge of energy is as comforting to me as religion is to a lot of folks. 

One of my cousins posted a long essay about vibrational energy on Facebook. Below is a quote from it:

7 things that affect your vibrational frequency from the point of view of quantum physics.

Vibration in quantum physics means that everything is energy. We are vibrating beings on certain frequencies. Every vibration equals a feeling and in the "vibrational" world, there are only two kinds of vibration, positive and negative. Every feeling makes you emit a vibration that can be positive or negative.

 

Every thought emits a frequency out to the universe and that frequency goes back to the source, so in case if you have negative thoughts, discouragement, sadness, anger, fear, it all comes back to you. This is why it is so important that you take care of the quality of your thoughts and learn to cultivate more positive thoughts.

 

So true. When I was younger my head was filled with a lot of negative thoughts. School stressed me out because I was always wanting to make top grades and when I didn't immediately grasp the material I panicked. I also got bullied at school because I was chubby. At home, I was a constant source of annoyance to my older brother because I was walking around breathing in the same house, so he liked to tease me mercilessly.

 

I grew up and became a paralegal, mainly because my dad thought it was a good idea. I really never wanted to be a paralegal. It took me years to make peace with it. I felt obsolete in my last paralegal position -- lots of negative energies. (Thanks be to God I now have a job I love where I can use my legal background but I get to write all day, a huge blessing.)

 

I have told my son many times, we can control our thoughts. He is only slowly coming around to accepting this idea. It's true, though. Once he really understands that and puts it into practice, life will get easier. I have noticed this in my own life. It can be very tricky to do, though.

 

I have a relative who is a big strong guy but he is the most fearful person I know. He constantly worries about everything, and as a result those fears control him. My last few conversations with him have been very strained so I have decided to distance myself from him for the time being. If I told this guy that the key to inner peace lies in thought control he would snort with contempt. [I've seen that many times! He is the Snort King!] He cannot do what I do so often in life and simply turn it over to God. He knows the concept, but he cannot do it. Turning it over to God is just a mental exercise. It's the act of saying to God [or the Universe, or whatever deity you believe in] that you feel completely frustrated and unable to handle a problem, but you are going to turn your thoughts elsewhere and trust God/The Universe/Buddha/whoever to handle the problem. Taking a mental vacation from your thoughts can be very difficult to do because you stop trying to control the situation. It's absolutely necessary, though, to avoid all the worry and feelings of inadequacy and anxiety.

 

I think sometimes people cling to their negative thoughts because letting go of them would feel like a betrayal, or an acknowledgement that they aren't always right.

 

When you focus on the positive, though, it changes things. Let's say you don't believe in God. You know the happiness you feel when you express love? That's positive energy and that's a healing energy. Pet your dog or cat for a few minutes. Play with your child. Take a walk by a lake or river. Close your eyes and listen to a favorite song. Take a friend out to lunch. Put those positive vibes into yourself and see what happens.

 

I don't want to get into a political argument here but I was reminded of this yesterday as I watched the news coverage of the overturning of Roe v. Wade. Half of the people in America are in deep despair over that Supreme Court ruling. The other half are rejoicing and celebrating -- but also quite anxious about the possible backlash. The same can be said for the gun control bill just passed by Congress. Some rejoice, some despair.

 

The entire country feels awash in negative energy. We all need to walk that back -- and we can. All the negative energy accomplishes nothing. It's really wasted energy. Roll up your sleeves and work for the side you believe in, and keep focusing on the result you want. Protest peacefully if you like. Don't riot because that does nothing good. Express loving feelings through acts of kindness.

 

My dad had a very stressful job. He was a bank vice president. His days were often long and very stressful. When he got home from work, though, he would always change clothes and spend time with his children, usually playing with us. He really played -- on the floor, playing with toys, singing songs, playing games. He told Mom it was his favorite part of the day because he could forget about all the stress of the day.

 

We all need to remember that. You want to change the world? Fine. Go play. Go love. Go sing your song. Fill yourself with positive energy and wait for the blessings to roll in, as inevitably as the tide.

 

 

The Post Plague Years

I did not realize until yesterday just how much I have missed feeling like a reasonably normal person in a normal/typical/average world. I did something yesterday I had not done since approximately January 2020.

I met a friend for lunch.

I know it's not a very exciting event to report, two women sitting in a Greek restaurant eating and catching up, but it gave me a tremendous boost that was sorely needed. I just didn't know it was needed.

I have known my friend Dana for almost thirty years. When I first moved to Atlanta in 1993 she was working as a legal secretary at an insurance defense law firm just off Clairmont Road and every day we ate lunch together in the break room. When she left the firm it was really upsetting to me, but I understood her reasons. She eventually became a paralegal. We stayed in touch and over the years socialized as often as our busy schedules allowed. It seemed like right as her sons were getting grown and freeing up her time I was adopting my kids and my life got super complicated. Dana and I have very similar tastes in movies and books so often we would go to an afternoon movie together. Sometimes we would read the same book and enthusiastically discuss it. 

Here's the fascinating thing. I don't recall every having a serious disagreement with Dana. I treasure her friendship.

The greatest thing Dana ever did for me -- besides taking me home and staying with me after I had dental surgery 20 years ago -- was recommending a doctor for my mom. The last ten years or so of her life Mom was the patient of a gerontologist at Emory who had been treating Dana's dad. Mom hated doctors on principal but she loved Dr. Graves. Yep, you heard that right, a gerontologist named Graves. Great guy.

After Mom passed away in 2020 Dr. Graves called me and talked to me for 20 minutes. He told me he had reviewed all the hospital records from Mom's final days and although she had Covid, it was really kidney failure that did her in. I had unwittingly contracted Covid and given it to Mom, so it was really kind of him to call and discuss her final illness with me. A great weight was lifted from me. When Covid hit in the spring of 2020 Mom was in rehab, and when she came home in April of that year I had been so careful to quarantine, restrict her visitors, mask when out of the house, wash my hands, etc. I did everything the CDC said to do and I still got it. Mom was 86 though, and it was just her time.

Anyway, I digressed.

Dana is now taking care of her Mom and I know so well how hard it is to be a 24/7 caretaker of an elderly person. Mental health breaks are super important. Dana also is in the process of selling her house and her mom's house and I know the gut-wrenching process so well, having sold my house last year. So I've tried to pass along a few tips to Dana.

It has been really hard getting accustomed to being alone after my mom passed away and my son moved out. Strangely enough, although I miss my wonderful neighbors very much, the apartment has not been all bad. I walk Lola twice every day and I often run into familiar faces and we chat. Lola loves everyone and makes new friends easily. I can feel the sun on my face. I know if there were to be an emergency I could go knock on the door of a neighbor and they would help me. There's a lot to be said for being part of a community.

Covid has taught me the value to human interactions, while also making me more cautious about germ transmission. My grieving process for my mom has been complicated because of covid but there are many people in this country who have had it much worse. Perhaps the world needed to be shaken up, a bit. Perhaps like the Spanish flu of 1918 we will always mark this time in history as a learning time, as a nation. Despite all the chaos in the world today, I think most Americans are grateful to be alive, grateful to be American, and much more aware of our need for human connection.

We are all in this together.

left, my son and Lola

right, outside my apartment

What Real Estate Listings Don't Say

Last year I sold my almost 3,000 square foot home and moved to an apartment. I didn't want to live in an apartment but the house prices around here were crazy and I needed a better job to be able to get a mortgage, so the apartment has become my temporary home. I still look at real estate listings online a lot, on Zillow and Realtor.com, mainly just because I find it fascinating to look at houses, and see how everything is laid out, the colors, the kitchen design, etc.

It occurred to me only after I moved in here that whoever upgraded this apartment was a very tall person. This apartment makes me feel like a child. I couldn't reach the ceiling fan cords. I couldn't begin to reach the shower curtain rods. The bar in the kitchen is the height of my chin. The bathtub sides are so high I had to figure out how to climb over them, and it's quite a gymnastic feat. I am too short to see out the peephole on the front door.

I am not THAT short. I'm 5'3.

I had to take the apartment sight unseen, because after making dozens of calls, I could only locate ONE place in my preferred area that would take pets and had an elevator. Some places would take pets but only if they weighed less than 40 lbs. Many places simply had NO units available on my move-in date. It was maddening.

Anyway, I still look at online listings, just out of curiosity.

It occurred to me today that whenever I get ready to move into a house or condo again, I need to look for the following items in the listing description, and if the item isn't mentioned then I need to ask the seller about it.

Is the home set up for a VTP? [Very Tall Person -- see issues above]

Has the home recently been sprayed for roaches? [I had to get a pest control guy in here right after I moved in, and the guy sent by the apartment folks was a moron. I paid my own guy and it solved the problem.]

Is flood insurance required by the lender? [learned that lesson the hard way]

Has anyone ever died in the home? Would a spirit removal be covered under the home warranty, if necessary?!

Did the prior owner smoke? [Yes, some people still smoke inside, and it can be really hard to get the smell out.]

Would the neighbors freak out if I wore a bathrobe to get the mail? [my dad used to get the mail early on summer mornings, sometimes wearing only boxers, much to the delight of the neighbor ladies]

Is there wallpaper? [sometimes they don't take photos of the wallpapered rooms for the listing; fiendishly clever]

Is the water hard or soft? [in my younger years, when I "fixed" my hair every stinking day this was a hugely important question]

Is the toilet right next to the wall? That's probably not FCF [fat chick friendly]

How high is the property insurance every year? Will it kill my chances of retiring early, at around 70?!

Have snakes ever gotten lost inside the house? [yes, I personally know of that happening in several homes...]

When we tour the house can we look in the attic for signs of squirrels, possums, raccoons, dead bodies?! [Don't laugh -- in older homes this can be a real thing.]

How is the internet connection? [I learned the hard way that if there are lots of tall trees around the WiFi may be affected]

How far away is the nearest hospital? [if you're over 50 this is something to consider]

Does the power go out a lot when it storms?

How close is the nearest swimming pool? [at my last house, whenever there was a swim meet the street was choked with parked cars for hours]

Finally, I borrowed some shots of a home that is currently for sale, and these poor folks are going to have a hard time with this one...

I think this bathroom was designed by Vincent Price and Debbie Reynolds...

 

 

 

 

Below, the home of the Dumb & Dumber guys...

Buy Products Made in America

I know it's not Thanksgiving yet but I am already at least thinking about Christmas gift ideas. This holiday season, please strive to support small businesses here in America. With rampant inflation and ongoing issues with the supply chain, we all need to be mindful of the importance of supporting each other. I have several friends and acquaintances who own their own small businesses and I want to help them promote their products. I am a savvy buyer though, so I want to reassure you that I have actually purchased and used most of these products and I will vouch for their customer service and quality products.

I have written about my friend Jon Jackson's beautiful work at Comfort Farms, giving veterans a place to heal from the traumas of war and a way to regain their purpose in life. His approach to therapy is unique and amazing, and you can learn more here. There are lots of ways to help. If you are near Milledgeville, Georgia, you can go over in the summer and fall and purchase incredible produce and meats. You can also check out Farm Focused and purchase unique and well-made clothing that promotes the brand of Comfort Farms and other farms.

left, my mom wearing one of the awesome aprons made at Down South House and Home

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My friend Stacy Reece runs a wonderful business in Clarkston, Georgia, just a few minutes from me, Down South House and Home.  I have purchased many of her dishtowels, aprons, napkins, and other products and they are excellent quality as well as being clever and unique. I had a great time interviewing Stacy a few years ago for this blog, and you can read it here. Although most of her products are timeless, Stacy keeps up with trends. You can see her selection of masks here. Have a guy who is hard to buy for? Check out the humorous socks offered at Down South.

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If you are in the Atlanta area and you need a wedding cake or other special occasion cake, check out my friend Jenean's business, Carlton's Cakes. Jenean is a scientist as well as a baker and she has helped brides out by making gluten-free cakes, dairy-free cakes, and vegan cakes. Jenean's cakes are widely celebrated. She has won awards from The Knot and Jezebel magazine, and her cakes have even been found in movies!

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Feridies is a family-owned business out of Virginia that offers utterly delicious [and nutritious] products that I have purchased as gifts many times. A few years ago I interview Jane Riddick-Fries for this blog and really enjoyed learning about the delicious and unique products.

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I love products with a sense of humor. Check out Duke Cannon -- "Our products are tested by soldiers, not boy bands." I have ordered some of their products for Christmas gifts this year. (Don't tell my son or my brother...)

 

Other products:

I have purchased an used the wonderful products from Goat Milk Stuff over the years and always been impressed by their quality. It's a family-owned and run business.

I am going to blatantly self-promote here, so please don't hate me. My book Singing to the Cows is a collection of essays written by my mom about her life and her humor and wisdom are evident on every page. If you need a gift for someone 75+ years old, I guarantee they will enjoy the book. If you like to cook but more importantly hear stories about recipes, check out What's for Dinner, Mom?

Messages of Hope

Every once in a while I will be having a really bad day and something will happen that will give me hope. Sometimes it's a big thing, sometimes a small one.

My son was telling me he feels like he is getting sick and yet he had to go to work this morning. I worry about him driving when he doesn't feel well -- especially since his car isn't running at the moment and he is in my car. While he was telling me that I noticed a dot of red in my peripheral vision and turned to look at the French doors in the family room. A plump cardinal was sitting on the ground looking at me. He stayed there a long time, not moving, just looking at me. I fully embrace the idea that cardinals are messengers [LINK]. I feel hopeful when I see them. I know that no matter what is happening, I will be okay.

I saw a lot of cardinals last summer when my mother died. It was as if heaven had imbued the entire cardinal population in the area with the directive "go and comfort Dee!"

Also yesterday a friend of mine posted about my newest book [Heart of My Own Heart] on Facebook: Reading my friend Dee Thompson's new book https://www.amazon.com/Heart-My-Own.../dp/B08NTMTKZW...  I am on page 409 already, savoring every paragraph, really sad that soon it will come to an end and I will have to say goodbye to the enchanted world that Dee created in her story! The book is written in such a way that you can't help but feel yourself part of the story! You are never alone if you have a good book to read!

 

That did my heart good, reading that.

 

Books are such a great escape, to me. They keep me going on days when distracting myself from stress is super important. Right now I am reading The Sweetness of Forgetting, by Kristin Harmel. It's a terrific book. Really enjoying it.

 

Sometimes the "message of hope" is a friend calling for a phone visit. Sometimes it's finding money I didn't know I had in my purse or couch cushions. Sometimes it's simply hearing a song I love on the radio.

 

Right now my stress level is 10/10. I am trying to get my house ready to sell, and find a condo or town home in this area that I can afford. I am almost afraid to type that because real estate agents are coming out of the woodwork to bother me. I cannot afford to renovate my home to be super appealing to buyers, even though the real estate market is very hot right now. So I will be offering it for less than comparable homes, in hopes someone will see past the cosmetic defects. Everyone always wants walls and flooring to reflect their own taste.

 

I have accumulated so much stuff over the years that downsizing is a huge challenge. I had my own Estate Sale last weekend but I didn't attract too many buyers. I made enough money to cover the costs of a new phone because my old Samsung phone decided to die right before the sale. So I am interviewing estate sale companies, trying to find one that will come in and do one asap. Trying to decide what to keep -- only a few things -- and what to sell is daunting. I will be reducing my living space by probably half. Below are some images I used on the announcement on Next Door and Facebook.

 

Some decisions are easy. I used to collect teapots and some of them remind me of old boyfriends who turned out to be jerks. The silver is easy to part with because I've grown really tired of polishing it over the years.

 

I dread the culling of things from my home but I also embrace a healthy degree of de-materialism. They are just THINGS and should never be cherished except as mementoes of people, is my philosophy.

 

Anyway, I keep looking for cardinals and other messengers of hope and healing, and they always show up..

 

 

One Day Soon

My mom passed away almost exactly five months ago, on June 28, 2020. I miss her every day, but as I bustled around the kitchen this morning making pecan pie and trying to get everything straight and the table set, I was fine. My son and his friend came over and helped me with cleanup. We have friends coming by to eat with us later today.

I took a quick break to watch a few minutes of the dog show.

As I was watching the dog show it occurred to me that Mom loved to watch those type shows and took great delight in knowing the names of most dog breeds and learning about them. She loved dogs. When she talked to my father about getting married she said "I plan to have at least two or three children and we will have a dog, or I won't marry you." Kids and dogs were part of the deal. Dad was smart enough to agree to all of it.

Mom treated her dogs like family, and she made no bones about how important dogs were to her life. I thought about that as I watched the dog show, then --

I just burst into tears.

That's the way I grieve, slowly this time. With my father, in 1996, I cried a lot but mostly right afterwards. Then I just felt sad for months, wishing I could pick up the phone and call him. The passing of my mom, who I had in my life for 58 years, has been a different kind of grief. The grief is bigger, and it hurts much more, so I have to process it more slowly. About once a day I want to tell her something, and I remember she is gone and I just stop what I'm doing and cry for a few minutes. I have boxes of kleenex stashed all over the house.

I know many of us are mourning loved ones lost to Covid-19. There will be empty places at the table for years to come, as we grapple with the terrible losses of 2020. Loved ones gone, jobs gone, many in the country hungry. It's a long national nightmare.

A little while ago, I was looking at a quilt made by my grandmother and my great grandmother in 1933, when Memaw was pregnant with my mom. [See photo at left]

Memaw was big pregnant in 1933, during the worst part of the Great Depression, and her husband was out of work and there was no money. Granny Butler and Grandaddy couldn't help because they had lost all their money in the Depression. Papa's parents were struggling. Everyone was struggling. Yet Memaw and Granny Butler made a pink and blue double wedding ring quilt for the new baby, not knowing if it was a boy or a girl.

They pieced together the top, but then somehow it never got finished. A few years ago I told Mom I wanted to see it finished. Neither one of us are quilters. Luckily, one of my Thompson cousins is a very skilled quilter, and she finished the quilt for us, which was really kind.

I have decided to keep the beautiful quilt in the living room, a reminder of three incredible ladies. They got through hard times, and the hard times didn't defeat them.

I can too.

One day the tears will be done, and I will smile when I think of Mom.

One day we will all be vaccinated against this terrible plague, and there will be some positives to come of this, I know -- people will be more aware of germ transmission, will wash hands more often, and I think will be aware of the importance of sticking together as a family, and as a nation.

Despite the pandemic, I have friends and family members who have gotten married, who have had babies, who have homeschooled their children, and kept right on going.

One day soon, we will look back on this year and feel pride because we survived, and we still love each other, and America is still strong.

One day.

In the meantime, we will be strong, and we will keep the faith. We will get through this.

Amen.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving, everyone!!

 

Things I Wish I Didn't Know

I was telling a fellow paralegal recently about a bizarre episode that happened to me many years ago in Knoxville, and it occurred to me that if you’ve lived more than half of your life as a card-carrying grownup, you will encounter some really unpleasant things. My list is pretty benign.
I should try to just laugh about these things. Some do make me laugh… but not all.

As sort of an antidote to the first list, I decided to throw in a second list, because even though 2020 has been pretty much a Shit Show [pardon the profanity, just quoting Ryan Reynolds there] I have survived it, and I know I will be okay even without my mom.

 

I wish I didn’t know…

• What it feels like to test positive for Covid-19
• The queasiness that comes from being propositioned by an 80 year old man [client at one of the firms where I worked in Knoxville]
• The horrifying BANG of two cars colliding at high speeds
• How it looks when my dog poops out an undigested paper towel
• How it looks [and sounds] when Lola barfs up a paper towel, on the new carpet…
• The complete and utter emotional and physical exhaustion known as “moving day”
• The smell of burning brussels sprouts or burning onions
• The terrible anxiety of walking down the aisle of the grocery store with a calculator
• The sadness of missing both of your dead parents
• The humiliation of serving something to a guest knowing it tastes far from delicious [I take some pride in being a good cook, but I’ve had my share of disasters]
• The fear of watching my backyard turn into a pond every time we get heavy rains
• The terrible sadness of watching a grown child make terrible life choices

 

However, I am really glad I know the following things…

• The feeling of happiness that comes from eating a delicious meal I’ve prepared for my family
• What my backyard smells like after a summer shower
• The peace of knowing I did my best to make my mom’s final years on earth as happy and pain-free as possible
• The new-mama feeling of birthing a new book that I’ve spent months writing [and hoping/praying readers will enjoy the story]
• The smell of baking pound cake wafting through the house
• Delight at the yearly showing of autumn leaves
• How to enjoy singing even when it’s just me, alone in my house [let’s just say if Mel Torme and Julie Andrews had had a baby…]
• The love of my children, who remember how it feels to be an orphan
• The serenity of faith that a loving God always has my back
• How blessed I am to have cousins who are also dear friends, and friends who feel like family
• The maturity that allows me to not get freaked out all the time over little things