The Crab Chronicles

Practicing What You Preach

Do you love everybody? I mean EVERYBODY? If you call yourself a Christian, do you pick and choose who to love? If so, you don't really get the point.

Some of the most selfless, kind, truly good-hearted people I know are not Christian but they embody the kind of love I think we're all supposed to show one another.

A guy I know on Facebook who is a friend of a friend (not somebody I used to hang out with years ago) posted that he loves everybody -- rich/poor, old/young, black/white etc. I noticed he left out any mention of LGBT folks. I was tempted to drop a comment and ask him if he loves them too, but I didn't want to get into one of those endless Facebook comment wars that never change anybody's mind about anything.

I am always amazed by people who call themselves Christians and say they love everybody but they don't really mean it. They mean they love those they think are not in their immediate circle but probably worthy of the agape kind of love. [Definition: Within Christianity, agape is considered to be the love originating from God or Christ for humankind.]

I don't recall anywhere in the bible where is says we're supposed to love only certain groups of people. Not in the New Testament, anyway.

1 John 2:9-10 says it plainly:

"Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates a brother or sister is still in the darkness. Anyone who loves their brother and sister lives in the light, and there is nothing in them to make them stumble."

1John 4:8 says it too:

"Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love."

I don't want to get into a big debate about the bible. Even the most conservative Christians will usually admit there are parts of the bible not really relevant to today -- which is why they aren't running around wearing robes and sandals, with long beards. Most agree slavery is not okay and Paul's exhortation to slaves to obey their masters is not relevant. However, they choose to vilify gay people and claim those parts of the bible typically used to condemn homosexuality are utterly relevant. I think there is clearly a bias there, and it's a very ugly one.

None of us choose our sexual orientation. We are born how we are born. Period. Some might argue that bisexuals get to choose, but even that, I would argue, is not entirely fair.

I have a young family member who has lost most of his former "friends" because he is in a same-sex relationship. All his former friends condemn him because he isn't loving who they think he should love. He is not gay. He is bisexual. He fell in love with his partner based on his humanity, not his gender. Even if my friend were gay, would that make it okay to ostracize him because he loves differently?

We are all born bisexual, according to Kinsey. Maybe with some folks it's 99% vs. 1% but it's still there. Most reasonable adults will admit they have, at some point, been attracted to a person of the same gender.

I have a friend whose husband passed away this summer and he is in deep mourning. They were together more than twenty years. As soon as they could, they married. They loved each other deeply. I cannot see why that is bad in any way.

I have a friend from childhood who has been with her partner more than forty years, and they raised a son together, very successfully. I admire their long relationship and solid, happy marriage.

Whether my young bisexual friend chooses to stay with his same-sex partner or eventually chooses a female partner, it doesn't matter to me. He is one of the most loving and beautiful guys I know, always willing to go the extra mile for someone else. He and his partner also go to church every Sunday, read the bible, and do their best to show love to everyone they encounter. I know many so-called "Christians" who are not nearly as kind and generous and loving.

Saying you are are Christian and then refusing to even acknowledge your friends, relatives, and neighbors who are members of the LGBTQ community isn't the loving thing to do. It isn't following what I believe is the most fundamental message in the bible:

LOVE ONE ANOTHER

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only love can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Responding With Love to Your Teenager

I read somewhere the other day that a hug lasting 20 seconds or more releases tons of endorphins in one's body. I have been trying to hug more, just for that reason. I am going to try and keep up the practice even as we move into hot weather. I am also going to remind myself every day that teenagers need hugs and love - indeed, it's the miracle therapy.

I don't really like to get parenting advice from men because inevitably when I mention issues I am having with one of my teenagers they just say "Well tell them to straighten up or hit the road." So kicking a kid out of the house will solve everything. Men tend to see everything as black/white or ON/OFF - they are not complicated and nuanced in their thinking, much of the time. Women tend to be more willing to dig deeper into a complex solution or an unusual solution, in my experience.

When I was having major issues with my daughter years ago I couldn't let her continue to live here with us. I cried for months over that decision but I just couldn't see an alternative. She kept saying, too, that she didn't want to live here. I took a lot of criticism from non-adoptive parents over that choice but they simply didn't understand what I was dealing with. Many adoptive moms of older children have had to make the same terrible decision. It's just impossible sometimes to reason with a teenager who views adults as the enemy - particularly adults called "Mom" or "Dad" because these kids are so skeptical of those terms. There's no legacy of trust. Sometimes there's no really deep emotional bond as you usually have with birth children. Older adopted kids often see lying as perfectly normal, natural, and OK. I cannot bear it when someone lies to me. It just tears me up.

We've been having some issues with Michael recently and I can't be specific because I want to protect his privacy. However, the huge improvement I have seen in him in just the past couple of weeks has been an answer to thousands of prayers.

I wasn't going to kick him out - not ever. Lying is not the issue, as it was with my daughter. However, plenty of my guy friends would just say "kick him out" if I asked for advice. So I quit asking them, finally.

Responding with love gets you much further with kids like mine, even though it's incredibly hard sometimes.

For an older adopted child, particularly one like my son whose earliest years were filled with homelessness, neglect, and abuse, the transition to adulthood is terrifying. When your first memories are of overwhelming insecurity and fear, you fear the thought of being on your own. I can look back now, with the benefit of hindsight, and see what was happening with my kids as teenagers. [Mike will be 20 this summer.] I also rely on the blogs of other adoptive moms because it's oddly comforting to see that it's not just our kids, it's everybody's kids acting out. We usually see a kid around age 16-18 just go off the rails. [Yes, I know most teens can be a hand full but older adopted teens are far worse.]

Fear causes acting-out behaviors.

I have 3 friends who are adoptive moms of older teen daughters who just in the past 6 months have become grandmothers because their daughters got pregnant out of wedlock. I pray for those mamas and babies every day. It's hard enough being a parent, period, but a parent at 19? 20? With no education or decent job? Lord, have mercy.

What floors us, always, is the notion that our kids think they are worthless. The girls want babies because they want someone to love THEM - not realizing anything about parenting, of course. The boys act out differently.

Michael has just been very angry in the past couple of years. Thank goodness he is getting over that phase.

Michael said to me on Friday, "Why are you so nice to me? Every time you are nice and loving to me I wonder why." I wanted to cry. "I am nice to you because you DESERVE it, son. Everybody makes mistakes. It doesn't mean you don't deserve love. You're a smart, good, kind guy."

What makes me want to cry the most is that I had been truly delusional in my thinking that 9 years of living here in a pretty stable, normal home would have erased the damage done to him by his early years. It didn't. The early damage had left him with zero -- and I mean ZERO -- self esteem.

I don't know of any magic answers to any of this. I can only tell you this: loving our kids when they are going through this phase is far better than anything else. IF we, as parents, can keep calm, no matter what, our kids will benefit the most. Maybe the tough-love drill sergeant approach works best with some kids, but not with ours. Our kids need love and understanding piled on, as much as possible, because that's when we witness miracles.

Our kids need calm, peaceful conversations where they don't have to be defensive.

Our kids need a lot of hugs.

Our kids need constant reassurance that they ARE worthy of love. The future can be bright. There is joy in the world, if they look for it.

Faith really helps. Faith shines the light that nothing else can. Over and over the bible says DON'T WORRY! PRAY! [Phillipians 4:6] so in these days of witnessing my son struggle, I pray constantly. I pray when I'm working in the garden. I pray when I'm cooking. I pray when I'm listening to music. Usually it's just a heartfelt God please help us. I don't think it has to be formal. I tell Michael all the time, if things are stressful, PRAY. [Of course, he has finals next week. I want him to pray but I also told him he needs to study NOW.]

Love and prayer. Those are the engines of peace and miracles.

The Hazards of Time Travel

I am always tempted to live in a different time. I love to study history and try to figure out the past. Maybe that's why I love books and movies about time travel so much.

When I was younger I was constantly planning my future, and in detail. How old I would be when I got married, had my first child, published my first book, etc. What my house would look like. What car I would drive. How many kids I would have. Their names. And on and on. I would lie awake at night planning. I made many many plans.

There's a Russian proverb: "Man plans, God laughs."

While observing the young me, God must've been rolling around laughing hysterically.

me in 1990, right after I finished my master's degree, not knowing I would lose my dad 6 years later [click photo to enlarge] BTW I do not smoke any more, not for many years, thank God

I still have a hard time not anticipating the future and trying to set everything up in neat little rows. Of course, as a paralegal the way to be really effective IS to plan very carefully, to make sure all the work on a case is completed in a timely manner, court filings are handled appropriately, etc.

Too bad managing one's personal life isn't so easy.

 

I have two very dear friends that I wish I could help to live in the present, but it's something I still struggle with, so all I can think to do at the moment is to pray for them, and try to point out some truths that everyone needs to remember.

One of my friends spent the afternoon with me yesterday. His elderly parents had to be put in an assisted living home recently, and he is having a very hard time emotionally processing that. His older sister spearheaded the idea of putting his parents in the facility because his mother was exhausting herself caretaking. He thought it was too soon, and his 83 year old mom was doing fine.

My friend is what I would call risk-averse, in the extreme. He won't get the air conditioning fixed in his car because it's an old car. He won't buy a new car because he hates the thought of not getting a good deal. He won't join a dating website because he's afraid he'll be judged because he drives an old car. And on and on.

He's afraid he won't be able to expertly and perfectly control the outcome of any future situation and so he does nothing, and his life is really static. (I've known the family a long time and I think his sister did the right thing, FWIW, and I applaud her for it.)

He would also likely admit that he finds it so hard to just DO anything because he's a control freak and being unable to control an outcome -- any outcome -- scares him. I sympathize. I have control freak tendencies too.

However...

I pretty much live my life trying to make good choices but in the end, a lot of times, I just say a prayer and jump right on in. My faith in God sustains me. He has no faith in God, unfortunately.

 

I have another friend who finds it impossible to let go of the past.

I've said to him, several times recently, the past cannot be changed. So LET IT GO.

So what if you made some mistakes in the past. Who hasn't?

He keeps beating himself up, though.

I've made some mistakes, too. Every boyfriend I ever had was a mistake, as I eventually found out. I bought a couple of cars that were mistakes. I handled some personal situations the wrong way and hurt people's feelings, although that was never my intention.

My father was head of a bank trust department for many years, and hired and fired people all the time. He used to say "People who never make mistakes NEVER LEARN." He wanted his new hires to make mistakes. He expected it. He didn't fire them if they made some mistakes. He figured they were learning. (Of course, he always was sort of a benevolent dictator and had a lot of confidence about his ability to hire good people.)

I pray every day for these two friends of mine, because they are both decent, honest, caring people. If I had the guts, this is what I'd say to my friend who dwells on his past mistakes too much, although it likely wouldn't do any good:

Can you go back in time and change what happened, in other words FIX the mistakes?

No?

Then why beat yourself up? What exactly does that accomplish? DOES IT HELP?

No?

Then WHY are you letting your past CONTROL you? Because that's what you're allowing. You're allowing the past mistakes to control your present and contaminate your future.

IS that a good idea?

 

Regret happens. It's a fact of life for everyone I know. I have many regrets. I'm sure even Mother Teresa had a few regrets at the end of her life.

The way I cope with my regrets is that I control my thoughts. I started it years ago, out of desperation. I would get to feeling depressed and start having a Blame Dee Pity Party and it would always end up with me buying a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream.

My Pity Parties made my butt HUGE.

Eventually, when I found myself thinking things along these lines - wow that was stupid what the hell were you thinking? why didn't you say this or that? why didn't you do things differently? why are YOU SO STUPID?!?!! -- I made myself stop those thoughts. I literally turned my thoughts elsewhere. Sometimes I would just put on some music and start singing along, concentrating on remembering the words, until the negative thoughts were banished. Sometimes I would call a friend and chat about trivial things. Sometimes I'd pick up a book and read. Whatever it took, I did that.

Eventually, I stopped having those horrible thoughts and eating out of misery.

 

In summary, time travel [the mental kind] is not a good idea. It doesn't help.

 

This is my prayer for both myself and these friends of mine, who I love dearly.

Heavenly father, please help myself and my friends to not fear the future, nor dwell in the past. Please help us to trust your guidance and wisdom and live for the NOW.

Please help us to have FAITH.

Help me also to FORGIVE myself for my past mistakes, as I forgive those who wronged me, because not to forgive is to keep a bitter poison inside. Help me to focus on being a better person, and on loving those people in my life who love me.

Help my friends to forgive themselves for the past, and not fear the future.

Amen.

photo by Lisa Amos of Lake Burton

The Radical Idea of Love

A friend of mine posted on Facebook that he was changing his profile photo to the one below, of Robin Williams. I was surprised, because my friend is a pretty happy guy. The photo below just radiates sadness. It made me think, though.

Today, Robin Williams would have turned 64. What a brilliant and loving man, and what a shame he left us so soon. I think he was here to not only make us laugh, but to teach us about love.

When I saw the photo below, I immediately thought it was an omen of his suicide. His eyes are so sad that they are almost vacant. Those are not the eyes of a man who wants to stay here on earth. Like my cousin Chris Thompson -- a friend of Robin's from years ago, who died last month -- he felt it was time to go, and there was no other way.

 

Sometimes people kill themselves quickly and decisively and sometimes it happens gradually, over a long period of time. I have seen both kinds. I have often wondered what makes the difference in a person's life, what stops them from killing themselves?

All of us have sadness, to some degree. What makes the difference between those of us who choose to check out early, and those who are willing to stick around and keep fighting the good fight?

I don't know, but here is my theory:

Some of us can accept transforming love and some of us cannot.

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. ~Mother Teresa

 

Robin had a lonely childhood, but eventually he was able to channel that pain into creativity and his creativity seemed to help him to be able to give back a lot. After he died it was revealed that he had spent a lot of time doing charitable work. Robin reached out to sick children. He entertained the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan numerous times. He gave and gave and gave.

He practiced loving others.

Was he as skilled at letting others love him? I tend to think not, or he would still be here. That's just a theory.

Accepting Love is a vitally important skill.

 

One problem I have with a lot of mainstream churches is that they emphasize reading and studying the bible, and they ignore or downplay what is, to me, a much more worthy and important pursuit -- teaching us how to love each other better.

Just as school should teach children how to think and learn, church [or synagogue] should teach them how to love. So often it doesn't, though. So often organized religion is about following rules, memorizing bible verses, acting appropriately. It's neat and conformist.

Love should be dynamic and messy and ambitious. Love should not be safe.

I've seen the effects of neglect and trauma in my children, over and over. Loving is hard for them. Even understanding love is a huge thing for them because it's so associated with loss. How terrifying it must be to love someone when all your past experience has been that the person you love will hurt and abandon you?

In my zeal to reverse the effects of all that darkness, I hug them too much, tell them I love them too much, and generally hover [more so with Michael, obviously]. They are adept at pushing me away when they need to. I refuse to apologize for loving too fiercely, though. My children know they are loved. It's my job just to figure out how to do it right, to teach them to accept my love and other love, to keep the darkness from swallowing them up.

Love is simple and yet not. In a way, it's the most complicated energy in the world. It's the trigonometry of all the emotions.

I try very hard to learn how to love the right way. I fail as often as I succeed. I fail, and I cry, and I pray, and I keep loving. I read everything I can find about how to help heal trauma, most importantly blogs by other adoptive moms.

Despite all my ineptitude, I cling to the hope that I can help my children accept love that transforms them. I don't want them to be unable to let go of their traumatic pasts, and check out early like Robin and Chris. I don't want to ever see the same despair in my kids' eyes as in Robin's eyes in the photo above.

My challenge is to not smother those I love. I ask God for grace and guidance in that regard every.single.day.

So here's my challenge to everyone out there reading this: focus on love as an active verb, as alchemy, as magic, as healing. Read everything you can find about it. Listen to wise people. Google the words "love" and "healing" and just read. Tell everyone you love that you feel that way. Practice being kind even when you want to scream. Focus on the folks in your life that you love the most and pray for guidance. Feel inadequate to the task? Ask God for help.

Don't give up on love. Ever.

Love is a seed. Plant it everywhere you can, and eventually you will grow miracles.

No Coincidences

I am reading a little book called When God Winks: How the Power of Coincidence Guides Your Life, and it has a lot of interesting stories in it. Much food for thought.

The basic premise of the book is that there are no coincidences in life. When things happen, even seemingly rendom or meaningless things, there is always a reason. The author says the "God winks" are there to remind us that God is in control, and he's watching out for us. I totally agree with that.

Ten years ago, my mother and I were searching and searching for a house here in Atlanta that we could share. I had just adopted my daughter. Mom had decided to downsize and move closer to me. Sharing seemed to be a good idea, for us both.

We looked at a lot of houses, but none really fit the bill. Finding one with a big enough bedroom and bathroom on the first floor was really tough. Then I got a call from the real estate agent one day and his first words were "I am standing in the family room of your house."

I thought that was a bit presumptuous, but I didn't want to contradict him. [I later realized he was meant to find us our home - his ex stepmom married my cousin.]

Then I learned some really interesting things. The house is on Leslie Drive. My best friend's name is Lesleigh - different spellings but same name. It's near Henderson Mill Road. My father's mother was a Henderson. It's very close to Embry Hills Shopping Center. One of my dad's closest friends is his cousin Doug Embry, and Doug's sons are now friends of mine. Even the house number is a God wink - it contains the year of my birth. It has been a great house, and we have terrific neighbors and good schools nearby.

There are a number of God winks associated with my adoptions. Both my children were born in the same month as me, July. We are all the astrological sign of Cancer, thus the name of this blog, The Crab Chronicles.

My daughter's adoption hearing was scheduled for November 14th, my father's birthday. My son's adoption hearing was on April 3rd, the same day as my grandparents' wedding anniversary. I had no influence on the dates of those hearings.

My son's God Winks are even more interesting. The first photo I ever saw of him, I was struck by his resemblance to my brother. He was born the same month my father died.

His Russian name was "Igor" which I knew would get him teased, so I asked him to choose an American name for himself. I gave him a list of names we liked. He chose Michael as his first name. It's also the name of my cousin's son. He chose Robert for his middle name - I have a grandfather, 2 uncles, and 2 cousins all named Robert. His birthday is July 19th, the same day as my uncle Bobby Hasty Jr.

Like his great uncle, Michael loves cars, and the beach, and he's a terrific athlete. [below, Michael and Uncle Bobby, 2007]

Likewise, my daughter reminds me a lot of my father. Despite the lack of a biological tie, Alesia is much like her grandfather Tony. She has green eyes. She is energetic. She loves animals. When she's happy she likes to snap her fingers. She likes to cook but doesn't like to be told how to cook. She loves music. She loves green beans. Dad was a bit wild in his younger years, before he settled down with Mom. Alesia has been sowing some wild oats the past few years, but she is settling down now, thanks be to God.

These are all God Winks, I believe.

Alesia and Michael were meant to be my children. I was meant to be their mom. We were family long before we met.

My actual birth had some God Winks. After a really difficult pregnancy, Mom happened to be at a party at the home of her doctor when she went into hard labor with me, and he was able to get her to the hospital and save my life by unwrapping the cord from around my neck. I was born on July 4th, a national holiday - just like my mother, who was born on New Year's Eve, a national holiday. Mom was a third child. I was a third child [Mom lost a baby before my brother was born.]

Lots of God Winks.

God is always sending me messages of reassurance, symbols of hope.

God Winks happen all the time. Whenever I've been stressed out in the past year or so, I've almost instantly noticed a red cardinal. To me, cardinals symbolize hope. It's like God's saying hang in there, Dee. It will all work out. As a person of faith, I have to believe that, but the extra assurance helps.

Sometimes there is no cardinal around, but I see a rainbow -- another symbol of hope. Years ago, I was so stressed out one day I was walking with my head down and I saw a rainbow in a mud puddle. Another time I had just broken up with a guy and I saw a gorgeous rainbow, and realized it was for the best.

A skeptic will say, of course, that all of these things are just coincidence. I feel differently. I feel strongly that people who move through life looking for hope and faith, praying and trying to live right and rely on the power of the Almighty - we are folks who get a precious gift, Grace.

The older I get, the more I realize that anxiety and fear are toxic. It's gotten much easier, with the passage of years, for me to not get freaked out by seemingly random negative things. It takes practice. I used to be truly uptight when I was younger. God has proven to me over and over, however, that having faith is the best way to cope with any sort of adversity.

My advice to you is simply this: pay attention to the God winks in your life. Take comfort from them.

Loving One Another

I recently posted a link on my Facebook page to an article I found really fascinating, Biblical Marriage: I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means. I disagree with a lot of things on HuffPost, but I thought this was a really well-written article.

A person I had "friended" on Facebook for reasons I can't really recall now -- but someone I have never actually met -- immediately responded in a very ugly way, telling me that the bible clearly states that homosexuality is "a sin and an abomination."

I countered her arguments with my own, but I couldn't change her mind.

It floors me that someone who is otherwise reasonable, rational, and intelligent, would classify every gay person as someone steeped in sin. In her warped view, Homosexuality = Sin

That's not a biblical belief. It's a widespread demonization of people who simply have a different way of loving.

I love this article Clobbering "Biblical" Gay Bashing because it's written by a Christian clergyman and he says so many wise things.

Oh sure, this time around we have “softened” our approach, saying things like “hate the sin, love the sinner,” but we fail to recognize that what we are calling a “sin” and the person we are calling a “sinner” are one and the same. A person whose sexual orientation is homosexual, or bi-sexual, or queer can no more separate themselves from their sexuality than a heterosexual person can.

What Mark Sandlin does so brilliantly in the article is to simply deconstruct all the traditional bible verses and arguments used to justify Christian homophobia.

That old-fashioned, intolerant homophobia is exactly why Englishman Alan Turing -- a man who broke the Nazi enigma code in World War II and who is the father of modern computer science -- was criminally prosecuted for being gay, and ultimately comitted suicide.

Alan Turing was one of the greatest minds of the 20th century. He laid the theoretical foundations for computer science, and his code-breaking efforts during World War II greatly aided the Allies's effort to defeat Adolf Hitler.

But Turing, a gay man, had the misfortune to live in an intolerant era. In 1952, he was prosecuted for "gross indecency" for having a sexual relationship with another man. He lost his security clearance and was forced to take hormone treatments. Two years later, he was found dead of cyanide poisoning. His death was ruled a suicide.

What a loss, to know that Turing, a brilliant man, ended his life because of the terrible atmosphere for gay men in that time. Think what amazing contributions he could've made to computer science and mathematics if he had been free to love as he chose.

I have a friend who is gay, and we have been close friends for more than 30 years. We have had many discussions about his sexual orientation. He told me once "Nobody chooses to be gay. Why would I CHOOSE to be ostracized and discriminated against, and villified?!? I spent the first 20 years of my life trying to NOT be gay, because I couldn't deal with it."

What I find so sad is that there are so many gay men and women who are estranged from members of their family simply because they are gay. Oftentimes families have utterly rejected their gay children, and what a sad and terrible thing.

It puzzles and horrifies me.

I am not a great fan of our current president, and I've made no big secret of that. However, I do applaud him for making strides in the acceptance of gays in America, and for promoting the cause of gay marriage.

Whether or not you like or approve of gay people, to deny them the basic right to marry is just wrong. It recalls, to me, the Jim Crow South, when black people were denied basic rights simply because of their skin tone.

Nobody gets to choose their sexual orientation, just as nobody gets to choose their race.

 

When my ancestors came here, they were fleeing from governments that told their citizens how to live and how to worship. We have to strive to keep religion and government utterly separate, and to do the right things for human beings -- ALL human beings. If we give any one particular religion the upper hand, we are dishonoring our ancestors and what they fought for when they formed this country.

[Yes, I know most of the founding fathers were Christians and used the word "God" but I still don't think that justifies saying laws should favor Christians because we could argue endlessly over what is "Christian" and what is not.]

I hope and pray that one day my grandchildren will live in a world where their gay brothers and sisters are fully and completely accepted, and gay-hating "Christians" are no longer around. (I put that word in quotes because truly following the teachings of Christ means not being homophobic.)

The version of Christianity I believe in is based on LOVE. Pure and simple. Judging others is never condoned. We are charged with loving them. I hope that message is actually LIVED one day, by everyone.

photo by Lisa Amos

Lessons About Freedom

One of my son's teachers likes to use his power to expound on all of his opinions about politics and what gets reported in the news.Fortunately, he's making Michael angry, and Michael is learning how to think critically so he can debate Mr. S.

We had a big discussion last night about how Mr. S said that since the CT school shooter planned the shooting, he must not have been crazy. As Michael pointed out to me, the very fact someone would murder innocent children seems to be evidence of mental illness.

One of the most important lessons I think we need to teach our kids is how to debate. I told Michael he should make a point of learning how to respectfully point out to a teacher when he has a differing viewpoint.

I went to a small Christian college my freshman year, and I had a lot of stuff thrown at me that I didn't agree with, and it made me angry. I had to learn how to argue my point of view. I didn't change any rock-hard unyielding fundamentalist minds, I'm sure, but I didn't just give in to their dogma, either.

I got into a debate on Facebook last night with a friend who thinks the school shootings happened because "God isn't allowed in the classroom any more."

Um, nope. Two flaws with that argument.

1. Any child can pray any time, in any classroom, to any deity. The fact the teacher isn't leading them in prayer is irrelevant. To believers, God is everywhere.

2. The CT shooter was mentally ill. God had nothing to do with that. Religion doesn't stop bullets being sprayed by anyone. In fact, right now in Afghanistan, people die every day because there are fundamentalist Muslims who don't tolerate anything else.

In response to her assertion that the founding fathers of America were all Christian and we should all be Christian, this was my take on it:

The founding fathers could not have envisioned the public schools we have today, with a mix of Jewish, Muslim, and non-Christian children. To insist that all children pray the same prayers and think the same things, which might contradict what their parents believe, is simply wrong. If you want your children to believe a certain religion, by all means send them to a religious school. Do not impose one set of beliefs on all children, though. America was founded on the principal that everyone has the right to worship God or not - completely different from any other place at the time of our founding. Some of my ancestors were French Huguenots, persecuted for being Protestant in Catholic France. So I am sensitive to the idea that everyone must have the same beliefs or be punished. // We'll probably have to just agree to disagree. The nice thing is that we can do that and neither one of us has to fear being arrested because we disagree on this.

Michael and I have been watching a terrific movie, For Love or Country: The Arturo Sandoval Story, and we've had some good discussions about what it's like to live in a communist country, and why democracy is better. I like to show him movies like that, that make him think. Plus we get to listen to some wonderful jazz music.

I pointed out that his birthmom probably had no choice in her career. In America, we can be what we want, without the government forcing that on us.

We can also believe what we want, without the government forcing religion on us. Thank goodness.

Michael has to go to school dressed as a god today, and we had fun putting together his costume. He is Zeus. If he was in a "Christian" school they probably wouldn't allow this, so I'm glad he goes to a public school. He's not fixing to worship Zeus. I'm not worried about it. LOL

Saturday Rant

Several items of interest in the news, and I am in a ranty mood. [Warning: I am feeling feisty and restless. Nothing unbiased here. I am ready to rumble with my opinions.]

Did you know that we are getting ready to see the 2012 Paralympic games? You didn't know that? Hmm... I bet that's because the USA has NO COVERAGE of those games. I had to click on a Canadian website for this trailer. Makes me very disheartened to see that lack of coverage. There are a whole lot of American athletes who deserve our attention and respect.

A friend of mine recently put a link to this article by a Presbyterian minister on Facebook. I read it with great interest. Gay bashing is NOT supported by the bible. Here's some of what the bible actually says about marriage: "According to the Bible, if a woman's husband dies and she hasn't had a son, she must marry his brother and have intercourse with him until she has a son (Mark 12:18-27). Sometimes, biblically wives are good, but concubines are better. Many of the “men of God” were not only married, but at least three of them had more than one concubine (Abraham, Caleb, Solomon) and they remained “men of God.” But like I said, “biblically wives are good” and there's no such thing as too much of a good thing. Right? So, why not have may wives? God frequently blessed polygamists (Esau, Jacob, Gideon, David, Solomon, Belshazzar)."

Romney picked a running mate, Paul Ryan. I just started reading about the guy, but so far I like him. He's all about numbers, and getting the budget back on track, which is what we need. My only question is, will he be more effective as VP than as a congressman?! Who knows. I sorta wished Mitt had picked a woman or a minority, but at this point it doesn't matter. I think most people have already made up their minds.

Don't say a word to me about Mitt's tax returns. The real story is here. He makes huge charitable contributions. There is a long list of things Obama has never disclosed, including all his school records.

My friend Judy went to a party at a neighbor's over-the-top opulent house and she reports it's worth over 9 million dollars. I feel nauseated just reading that. I don't blame Judy for going - I would've gone too, just out of curiosity. That sort of conspicuous overspending makes me sick, though.Did you know that nearly 15 million children in the US live in poverty? The rate is around 20% of our population.

I admire people like billionaire Warren Buffet, who live fairly modestly.

I am listening to Michael's radio station a lot when he's in the car - unless something offensive comes on, and then I switch the station - and I heard a song by Chris Brown the other day. WHY is ANY radio station playing music by this man who assaulted his girlfriend in 2009?!? Why, in this interview did Rihanna say SHE was humiliated?! HE was the abuser.

I do not understand why Chris Brown isn't sitting in prison, or why Rihanna's dad or brother or somebody didn't beat the living H*&% out of him? Any man who hit me would've been put in the hospital by my dad or my brother. If I could get Rihanna [or any young woman] in a room, here's what I'd say: "If he will hit you ONCE, he will hit you AGAIN. Don't take it. Just leave. Abusers will not change."

Here endeth the rant...

A Celebration and a Rant

Before I head off to work in the morning I always go in Michael's room and give him a kiss and tell him goodbye. Yesterday I sang Happy Birthday to him, softly. He didn't say anything but he opened one eye and regarded me like really? do I look like a baby?!

Mother told me later that he got up and sat around in a stupor for a while, which is his habit, then announced that all he planned to eat all day was chocolate.

Wow. I'd swear that boy was related to me.

He did almost nothing yesterday until about 4:00 when I picked him up and we did some errands. I asked him what he had for lunch.

"Chips and salsa."

We picked up food from Eduardo's Wed. night and you always get a ton of chips and salsa. Takes us a few days to eat them.

Bruce came in yesterday evening. Mike opened his presents, and we went to dinner at a Thai restaurant. Bruce and I love Thai food, and Michael likes it. Mother doesn't care for Asian food and didn't feel like going out, so we brought her back some fried shrimp from Captain D's.

All in all, Mike had a great day. The celebration with his friends will happen tomorrow.

THE SOAPBOX

I am going to have to climb up on my soapbox here for a minute because something has come to my attention that I find really disturbing. I have loved eating at Chick Fil-A ever since I had my first sandwich there when I was in high school. They make a terrific chicken sandwich.

However, they also give corporate money to groups that espouse hatred and intolerance of gay people. Take a look at this article which spells it out. I am appalled.

I have friends, neighbors, and relatives who are gay. They are all wonderful folks. They deserve the exact same rights as the rest of us, including the right to get married. It's a basic human right.

I will NOT be contributing any more money to the Chick Fil-A restaurant chain unless or until I hear that they have stopped contributing to anti-gay groups.

It sickens me that groups calling themselves Christian actually encourage intolerance and hatred of gay people. I also am glad that Michael is not a boy scout.

I am proud to be an Episcopalian, because my church believes in gay rights. We have an openly gay bishop. We bless gay marriages.

We have a long way to go in this country before we are really a "Christian" country, and I mean that in the broadest possible sense. Jesus was all about tolerance. Not hatred.

Why is it that if you are an illegal alien in this country you can get a job, a driver's license, free healthcare, food stamps, subsidized rent, etc. but if you are a lawful, tax paying gay American citizen you are treated so poorly as to be denied a basic human right, the right to get married?!

Here's the bottom line: DO NOT EAT AT CHICK FIL-A. Let's send them a message that their intolerance and hatred will not be funded by gay people or those of us with gay friends or relatives.

Remember the Rainbow

Anxiety. I slept all night in a vivid dream of trying to do research for a paper, and not knowing how to get it done. I woke up worried I was going to have to turn in the paper and wondering how the heck to get my hours in at work, Mike to school, etc. AND get that paper done.

I woke up in a total panic.

Then I remembered - I've been out of school more than 20 years. Finished my master's in 1990.

Maybe I was having a premonition of checking Mike's grades a few minutes ago and finding he has a 72 in Math. A 72!! That's two points away from failing. The grade report shows a bunch of assignments either have not been turned in or he has zeros in them. I told him he HAS to talk to his teacher and figure out a solution to that mess, or there will be a consequence here at home.

Please pray for him to get his butt in gear. This is his last week of school. He has A's and B's in everything else.

We were running errands last night after a very intense rainstorm late in the afternoon, and this is what we saw:

Michael said "Let's go to the end! We will get a lot of money!"

I wish it were that easy, son. I wish.

The rainbow did give me hope, though. Whenever I see a rainbow I feel happy and hopeful. Maybe that's a silly reaction, but that's how I feel.

There's an old song called "Look for the Rainbow" and I hear that in my head, too.

I woke up this morning and it was pouring rain. Great for the gardens, not so much for driving to school. I turned on the computer and clicked over to the Weather Channel site. I'd looked at the forecast last night and it said 30% chance of rain today. The screen said, "Rain will stop at 6:45." This was about 6:35. The rain was LOUD.I thought, how do they know what time the rain will stop? How silly.

At 6:46, I noticed the rain had stopped and the birds started singing. Another hopeful thing. OH-KAY.... So there's a psychic that works for the Weather Channel. Awesome.

What will the third thing be, I wonder?! My 65% Irish superstitious brain thinks like that.