The Crab Chronicles

An Experienced Paralegal Speaks to Students

My father was president of Toastmasters for many years, and he actually enjoyed public speaking. His last speech happened just a couple of weeks before he died, to the Augusta Rotary Club, when he was named a Paul Harris Fellow. When I was a little girl, not yet in Kindergarten, Mom woke us up very early one weekday morning to watch Dad on an early morning news show in Augusta, where he was talking about The Importance of Making A Will.

She thought we would get a big kick out of Dad being on TV. We did not. We asked to go back to bed. Mom and Dad laughed about it for years.

Dad was a trust banker, so he helped people with estate planning, trusts, etc. and he felt it was important for everyone to have a Will.

[Right, me and Dad dressed for work, about 1986]

I like giving speeches, too. Many people have a morbid fear of public speaking. I enjoy it.

I have been asked to speak to a class of paralegal students in a couple of weeks and I am really looking forward to it, even though it will be by Zoom. I hope the students will enjoy hearing stories of real life scenarios they may encounter. I've been a paralegal since 1985 so I have a LOT of stories.

A few months ago, I published a guidebook for paralegals, Paralegal 411: Tips Tricks and Timesavers for the Litigation Paralegal.

As part of my marketing efforts, I emailed a number of paralegal schools around the country and just asked them to let students know of its availability in case they were getting ready to finish and get their first jobs. I am not a brilliant sales person. I just thought the "soft sell" was my best approach. Apparently it worked because the book is selling pretty well. 

In paralegal school [like law school] about 90% of what you learn is about the law. You learn little or nothing about real life scenarios. Most classes are taught by lawyers who have never worked as paralegals.

So I am looking forward to speaking to the class and giving them the 411 on some real life scenarios.I really enjoy public speaking and I would love the opportunity to speak to paralegal students. With Zoom, it makes it much easier.

#paralegalspeakers, #realworldparalegalstories, #experiencedparalegalwisdom, #whatitsliketoreallyworkinalawfirm, #paralegallife, #paralegalwarstories, #paralegalwisdom

The Teacher That Changed My Life

Have you ever thought about the adult who most influenced you when you were a kid, who wasn't actually related to you? [I'm not talking about parents, siblings, grandparents, etc.] In the years since I walked out of Cedar Bluff Middle School for the last time in June of 1976 I have often thought about Catherine Gettys.

It should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me that the most memorable teacher I ever had was an English teacher. She was my homeroom teacher in 5th grade, and the English teacher on my team in 6th and 8th grades. About 90% of what I know about English Grammar, punctuation and spelling I learned from Miss Gettys. Of course, nobody called it "English" - it was "Language Arts."

Cedar Bluff Middle School in Knoxville in 1972 when I started 5th grade was very different than school is today. There were no computers anywhere. Girls being allowed to wear pants to school was a very new thing! Proper clothing for kids was strictly enforced. All grades [5th through 8th] went out to recess at least once a day. Parents were never asked to spend hundreds of dollars on school supplies. I usually got a new notebook and some pencils at the start of every year, and maybe a new lunchbox. We had Art and Music classes every week. We had PE classes several times a week, and for that we had to "dress out" - wear shorts and tee shirts, not our good "school clothes." Big treats were being able to watch movies once in a while, or field trips. Sometimes Drama students from the nearby University of Tennessee would do plays for us in the gym, and I loved that. I sang in Chorus every year, and loved "Mini Labs" -- fun classes like Fun Foods and Chess and Sign Language. I went there to Cedar Bluff Middle for four years, 5th through 8th grades, 1972-76. I was taunted about being fat and there were some boys who sometimes verbally bullied me, but otherwise those years were good.

There were teams of four teachers for each grade. We learned Math, Science, Social Studies, and Language Arts. Teams had 5th and 6th graders or 7th and 8th graders.

Things didn't start well with Miss Gettys. I was in 5th grade and it was her first year teaching. She had 35 rambunctious, intelligent fifth graders, and we were not shy or quiet. She was usually even-tempered but every so often she got so frustrated at our inability to be quiet that she was screamed at us. Sometimes other teachers had to come in and make us "quiet down." We were told by Miss Gettys as well as other teachers that we were the worst-behaved class in the entire school -- which I found mortifying. I was a shy bookworm and I didn't misbehave. I told my mother my frustrations but she couldn't do anything to help. Her wise counsel was always to mind my own business, do my work, and be respectful. My mother had been a teacher before she had kids.

I admired Miss Gettys. I liked her handwriting and copied it until mine looked like hers. I admired her for her appearance. She had a trim figure and curly reddish-brown hair. Her face still showed freckles. She wore a lot of jumpsuits, which were very popular then, cute jewelry, and occasionally a colorful scarf. Daily, she looked fashionable. I also always remember her with a large cup of coffee in her hand.

Miss Gettys' main contributions to my life were twofold. One, she taught me everything I know about how to write a proper, grammatical sentence. We diagrammed sentences for hours, on the board. Subject verb agreement was important. Commas were wielded appropriately. Paragraphs were built solidly and God help you if they were weak. I rarely cracked open my Harbrace because when I read the rules of grammar and punctuation they usually mystified me. I learned how to spot a bad sentence a mile away, though. It helped that I read voraciously and was always several years ahead in reading ability.

In 6th grade, her classroom was chock full of photos and drawings, and we could earn extra credit by writing paragraphs or stories describing what was depicted. I loved doing that. It taught me how to analyze an image, and how to think creatively. We didn't have letter grades but the good grades were "EP" (excellent progress) and "SP" (superior progress). I always made EPs or SPs in her class.

In 7th grade I had the misfortune to be in the homeroom of a Language Arts teacher who was a nice man but very ineffective as a teacher, Mr. McCormick. Worse, the 7th graders were divided up at the beginning of the year and classified as either being smart or dumb -- of course those terms weren't used but it was obvious. Math was my weakness and because I was terrible at it I got put in the dumb class. It was humiliating and I was miserable. I don't think I learned anything in any classroom that year because the kids were so awful the teachers made no real effort. Lesson plans were ignored by most of the kids and classrooms were zoo-like.

I was on a different team in 8th grade and I was much happier. Over that summer, all the kids grew, and I went from being freakishly taller and bigger than anyone else to being among the shortest in class, at 5'3. We had a good group of girls and we all got to be friends. They were a lot of slumber parties that year.

Once again, Miss Gettys was my English teacher.

In 8th grade I started calling her "Catherine" instead of Miss Gettys. I don't know why I did it and I don't know why she put up with it. I remember tedious classes in grammar and punctuation, and more sentence diagramming, but also chances to write creatively.

Every year, each team awarded prizes for every subject. You could either win Most Improved or Best Student. In 8th grade I wanted to Win Best Student in Language Arts. I worked hard all year and Made SPs every quarter. A poem I had sent in to Read Magazine was actually published! It was a national magazine for kids. Another one of my poems was published in a collection of children's poetry by the University of Tennessee. I was chosen to be on the newspaper staff at Farragut High School while still in 8th grade, which thrilled me. I had been a writer for my team magazines in 7th and 8th grades. I felt like I deserved to be acknowledged as the best English student on my team.

The day came for the awards to be handed out. I remember sitting on the floor of the gym and hearing all the names called out. Finally, they got to the Language Arts awards for our team. I won! I was furious though because I was named Most Improved in English, not the Best.

I remember stomping angrily up to take my award from Miss Gettys, not looking at her, so terribly upset that I went home and cried. My parents couldn't console me. The boy who won was a smug jerk that I couldn't stand. [I think today he is a car salesman.]

[above left, me in 5th grade, and right me in 7th grade]

It was really childish but I was angry at Miss Gettys for years. I held a major grudge. I never got over that Most Improved prize humiliation. I think it fueled my desire to write because I wanted to prove to Miss Gettys that she was wrong to give me that "most improved" award. I published a memoir about my daughter's adoption in 2009 and I sent a promotional postcard to the school after seeing online that Miss Gettys was still teaching there. I wanted her to see me as a published author, not some pitiful chubby kid who never amounted to anything. I addressed the card to her.

She probably never imagined that I would eventually become a published writer with an extensive portfolio, or that I would publish novels on Amazon. I also utilize my writing skills daily in my job as a litigation paralegal and I've written a sourcebook for paralegals, Paralegal 411.

I Googled Miss Gettys a few years ago and she was still teaching at Cedar Bluff Middle School but she had switched to teaching Social Studies. Her students loved her. I long ago forgave her for not giving me the prize I had felt I deserved. She gave two things far more valuable -- the ability to proofread and edit like a pro, and a love of creative writing that caused me to get an MA in Creative Writing and to eventually become a novelist.

If I can find her on social media I'd like to send a link to Miss Gettys, to show her that she had a huge influence on my life, and to thank her for everything. I don't think she ever had children of her own but her impact on her students was profound.

We need more teachers like her. Below, my 5th grade class. I am not in the picture because I was sick that day.

Check out my latest novel Dancing in the Wreckage.

College Man

Momentous day yesterday. It was a long time coming, and took hours and hours of work to get it all put together, but finally....

Michael is registered for college! YAY! He couldn't go to the full semester of classes because we were late getting all his registration stuff turned in. He was very ambivalent about college until just recently. Once he realized so many of his friends were headed off to college, it made the idea more attractive to him.

Michael finally went over to Georgia Perimeter College and got registered for the Fall half-semester. Most of the classes were full, so he had little choice in what to take, but he got Public Speaking and Art Appreciation. He's not thrilled about the art class but I told him it's basically looking at History and Culture as expressed in art -- I went online and read the course catalog description. Plus there will likely be a lot of girls in there. He calmed down considerably after I said that. He will be in class on Mondays and Wednesdays from 10 - 3:45. Each class is 2 hours and 45 minutes. Both classes are at the Dunwoody campus, which is really nice. It's only about 20 minutes from the house.

 

I also saw that his Art professor is a Georgia State professor. The two schools have merged. So I am hopeful that he can just transition right into Georgia State when he finishes his basic classes. He can take MARTA down to the Georgia State campus.

 

He is majoring in Psychology, at the moment. We were hoping he could go ahead and take Psych 101 but it was full. Maybe next semester. I told him that's not set in stone. He can change his mind while he's taking his basic required classes.

 

However, I am fine if he sticks with Psychology. He would make a fine school counselor, for example.

 

He starts October 12 and finishes up November 24th.

 

This "half semester" deal is strange but I am just glad he can go, get his feet wet, get an understanding of what college is like.

 

He has gone over to the Kennesaw State stadium at the moment for a job interview. I am hoping he gets it. It's for event staff at events like symphony concerts and college soccer games. He's already used to doing crowd control because he's a lifeguard, and the CPR certification is an asset, I'm sure. I just pray, always, that they don't look at him and see only his disability, that they see HIM...

 

Degrees and Diagnosis

I just realized I had left that last post up far too long without an update and I needed to post something more positive. My life is filled with ups and downs, just like anyone's, but I never let the pity parties go on too long because my basic nature is to be optimistic, and have faith that God will get everything worked out fine, in the end.

Even though this is only Wednesday this week has already seemed like a long one, mainly due to school. For the first time in years, I didn't send a child off to school on Monday with a new backpack, pencils, lunch, etc. It felt really weird.

Even though he is a big 19 year old, this is how I think of Michael and "school."

Michael has been deeply anxious or ambivalent or sometimes even hostile for several months when I mentioned the word "college." I finally was able to convince him to go ahead and go take some classes this fall, butit was a struggle. He is always fearful of new experiences and college is a HUGE one, even if he is living at home.

It's been a race to the finish the last couple of weeks to get everything in place.

I sent him over to the campus yesterday and nothing was accomplished except he turned in his transcript to the admissions folks, but he is still listed as "on hold" until they process the transcript. So he can't register for classes yet, and classes start on Monday.

However, the great news is that the Pell Grant money came through. YAY! Huge relief there. So if GPC will just push on through and finalize his admission process we can actually register online over the weekend and it will be fine. I am praying praying praying that that will happen.

We have had a lot of discussions about his interest in Psychology and I hope he can take the basic introductory Psychology 101 course that will give him an idea of what that field is really like. We spent time the other night looking at websites that discuss the jobs one can get with a Psychology degree. Michael is fascinated by human behavior, and of course his bizarre early life left him with many questions about why people behave the way they do.

I remember taking Psychology 101 and Sociology 101 and really enjoying those courses. Never knew they would come in so handy in later life..

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We got a call from the doctor Monday saying Michael does have H Pylori, and so that has to be treated. A lot of kids from Russia and Eastern Europe get H Pylori from contaminated water. He has had a lot of stomach pain, nausea, etc. in the past year. We are glad the treatment can commence tomorrow.

H Pylori is the same thing that causes ulcers.

From Web MD:

What Is H. pylori?

Helicobacter pylori (H. pylori) is a type of bacteria. These germs can enter your body and live in your digestive tract. After many years, they can cause sores, called ulcers, in the lining of your stomach or the upper part of your small intestine. For some people, an infection can lead to stomach cancer.

Infection with H. pylori is common. About two-thirds of the world’s population has it in their bodies.... After H. pylori enters your body, it attacks the lining of your stomach, which usually protects you from the acid your body uses to digest food. Once the bacteria have done enough damage, acid can get through the lining, which leads to ulcers. These may bleed, cause infections, or keep food from moving through your digestive tract.

You can get H. pylori from food, water, or utensils. It’s more common in countries or communities that lack clean water or good sewage systems. You can also pick up the bacteria through contact with the saliva or other body fluids of infected people.

Many people get H. pylori during childhood, but adults can get it, too. The germs live in the body for years before symptoms start, but most people who have it will never get ulcers. Doctors aren’t sure why only some people get ulcers after an infection.

Proud of My Boy

This is Michael in Kazakhstan in 2007, studying. They use small notebooks, about the size of our blue books, and pens or pencils. He had never seen a binder until he came here. He had never done a project. He had only learned a few words of English.

However, despite having to repeat first grade [due to family issues] in second grade he was reading books in Russian on a 4th grade level. I spoke to several of his teachers in the orphanage and they all said what a smart guy he was. I already knew that, but it was nice to hear. They all were thrilled that he was being adopted. There was no future for him in Kazakhstan.

Below, Michael in his school uniform in Kazakhstan

Michael came here to America in early May 2007. He only knew a few words of English. He spent the first few weeks talking mostly just to his sister Alesia, in Russian, and to me with Alesia interpreting. Then in July she went to a church camp for a week, and he transitioned to English very easily -- which was fortunate since I was working full-time and he was with Granny all day. Granny speaks no Russian.

Michael started third grade in August 2007. Even though he was 11, I wanted him in that grade because he had only had two years of school in Kazakhstan and I knew putting him in the age-appropriate grade would defeat him. He would be too overwhelmed. We lucked out and he got a wonderful teacher in 3rd grade, Mrs. Moore.

He was so smart and knew so much English after only 3 months in America that he didn't have to go to the ESL intensive course every day for 6 hours, which Alesia had to do. It's a great thing, teaching kids with no English the basics, but he didn't need to know how to say "I need to go to the bathroom" or other useful phrases. He already knew them. Mrs. Moore didn't treat him any different than the other third graders but he wasn't expected to keep up with the kids who already spoke English. He observed and learned, but got X's on his report card instead of grades.

Of course, he owes a LOT of his academic success to his grandmother, who tutored him every day.

Above - Granny and Michael in Myrtle Beach in summer 2007

At the beginning of his 4th grade year he was tested out of 4th grade because he knew most of the material, and he was put in advanced 5th grade class. That teacher was a disaster and we had to go to the school a couple of times and argue but he finally got transferred out of her class and into a better 5th grade class, where he flourished.

In 6th grade he won the Outstanding ESL student award for all the Henderson Middle School 6th graders, and he tested out of ESL, after less than three years.

High School was not a happy time for Michael. He just was never happy with the long days, the kids who were disruptive, or the teachers who weren't great. He frankly had better teachers at the middle school. DeKalb County was struggling and there was a shortage of good teachers. The school was also in transition and didn't have its act together. There were a lot of fights, for instance.

The Gateway to College program seemed like a great solution to the problem of Michael being bored in high school, and annoyed by the kids who weren't interested in learning. The idea of him being able to finish high school while taking college level classes, with help, was awesome. He told me yesterday that in his last Lakeside History class, his sophomore year, the teacher couldn't control the kids and there was so much pandemonium Michael couldn't learn in that class. He likes History, too.

When we were told a few months ago that the Gateway program was ending, it was a shock and Michael and I were both upset. He began to not care about his schoolwork, and just sort of slid sideways in terms of motivation.

I was pulling my hair out trying to figure out what to do. There didn't seem to be any good options. Michael certainly didn't want to have to return to high school, after a year of taking classes on a college campus just a few hours a day.

One of Mike's friends just said offhandedly one evening "Michael can just get his GED. It's an easy test." I got so upset I told him to leave my house.

In my mind, the GED was not a good option. There was a stigma. However, Michael continued to spend more time on x-Box than on schoolwork and he was failing two classes. I couldn't reason with him. Finally, I told him in early April that he might as well withdraw from school rather than just fail.

I felt very dejected by saying that. I have a master's degree. My parents both graduated from college and my dad had a master's degree. We are a family that values education. Let me tell you, there has been a lot of sadness and tension around here for the past few weeks. I HATED to see my incredibly smart son floundering and upset.

Finally, I spoke to Michael's Gateway counselor last week, an incredibly nice man who clearly cares about his students, and he agreed with Michael that he should just try the GED tests and see if he could pass without taking prep classes first.

Two days ago, Michael took the English and Social Studies portions of the test and passed. Yesterday, he had to take the Math and Science portions of the test. He was VERY nervous. He called right after the testing was over and said he thought he had failed. I waited a few minutes and checked the website.

HE PASSED!!!

I was so happy, I cried. I texted Michael and told him the happy news. I told Mother. Mother cried. Michael was elated when he got home a little while later.

I had thought the GED was a terrible idea, but now I see it's a blessing. Michael is done with high school and can now look ahead to college.

Michael went to see his Gateway counselor to tell him the happy news. He is going to help Michael register to take a class this summer at Georgia Perimeter College. Hopefully, I can find a way [grants or scholarships or loans] to help him go to GPC and take some classes in the next couple of years. GPC is merging with Georgia State, and I am even hopeful that Michael can get a degree from Georgia State one of these days.

Prayers are answered.

Michael is a changed guy. His whole personality and outlook have brightened 1000% in the past 24 hours.

Thanks be to God!

High Level Thinking

There are a lot of disturbing things going on in the world, and I am trying not to let the news freak me out or destroy my inner peace.

The situation in Missouri is scary, although it looks like calm is being restored. The war in Israel is scary. The situation in Iraq, and the death of James Foley horrifies me more than I can say.

Yet calm is being restored at my house. Hallelujah.

We have had a tough summer, for a lot of reasons.

I have had some issues with menopause symptoms, but I am feeling much better now, thanks to Maca Root.

I haven't worked in over a month, but I have a new part-time job as of yesterday, which looks to be interesting and lucrative.

Michael has been restless all summer. He didn't get as many hours as he had hoped down at the pool, as a lifeguard. He's also been tasked with taking care of his car, on his own. I pay for insurance, and he pays for everything else.

Michael has spent a lot of time "hanging out" away from home. I don't think he's done anything he shouldn't have done, but it has been hard to get him to be here very much. He's been restless. Twitchy.

We knew that was because of nervousness about starting school, being a college student. Huge change in his life. Change is tough for him.

Last night he went to the men's team tennis practice at our neighborhood pool. There is no team of guys his age. The guys last night were all in the 30's and older. However, they are all good players.

When he came home, Michael was ebullient. He had played for 2.5 hours straight. He was more relaxed and chatty than I've seen him in ages. He ate a late supper - grilled chicken and some noodles - and then said he wanted more.

I fixed him pilmeni, which is basically Russian ravioli. He ate a big bowl of that.

Mom and Bruce and I have all been trying to tell Michael how different college is from high school, how much more enjoyable it is - all summer. I don't think he believed us, truly, until yesterday, after 3 days of being in classes.

He has a class called College Survival, a special class for kids in the Gateway program. They talked yesterday about critical thinking. When he told me about it, he said "I LOVE that!"

I wanted to cry. I wanted to say of course you're loving that son, you're brilliant!

He is brilliant. He spoke nothing but Russian for the first ten years of his life, and came here and learned English within a year and skipped a grade. English is now his best subject. When he tries in school he makes A's effortlessly.

Other good things - he realizes that these teachers are committed to helping him succeed. Hugely different from high school, where there are too many students and teachers are usually overburdened.

It may not seem to be that big a deal, but Michael has never liked school. Mother and I are both optimistic that he is going to like college. Thanks be to God.

New Growth

The past few days have been filled with flowers, the epitome of spring. I finally have my front patio and back patios awash with flowers and potted herbs and they are the peaceful areas I love to see outside my doors.

I lived in apartments and condos for 20 years, and it's such a joy to me to be able to plant gardens and have beauty all around. Even on a tight budget, one can find flats of begonias, vincas, and impatiens. I re-use pots every year and it takes time to clean them out and repurpose the soil with the organic fertilizer. It's a labor of love, though.

I also have 8 tomato plants, peppers, squash, zucchini, and some green bean plants pushing up out of the soil of my raised beds. I bought some cucumber seedlings at Home Depot and they are all withered, which is a disappointment. I can plant some others, though, just won't purchase them at HD.

Yes, Georgia is awash with pollen right now but we are also filled with flowers and new growth.

the front patio [what we call the lanai]

Michael and I took a ride over to Georgia Perimeter College yesterday to talk to the director of the Gateway to College program. I am working on the application process. If Michael is accepted, he can go ahead and start college next year at GPC, and take college classes that count towards his high school graduation AND give him college credits. It's a terrific program.

Alesia started the program in 2011 but dropped out. Ironically, we found a photo of her in the brochure about the program. She has always been very photogenic.

I explained to the director that Michael is a very different kid. He's getting bored and frustrated with high school, because he's nearly 18 and ready to move on, so he is a good candidate for Gateway.

The director told Michael that the students who are successful in the program are the ones who manage their time well and don't socialize too much.That made an impression on Michael, who told me later than he would be OK with spending some time on homework every day, and utilizing the tutoring services. He has been intimidated by the idea of college and this would be a way to ease into it with a lot of support, which is awesome.

The college tuition is paid, so it's a terrific value. Mike was also sold on the fact that he will only be in class a few hours a day. The Gateway folks also have tutors available to help the kids, which is a huge plus.

So, fingers cross on that. It would be a fresh start for him, a new beginning, and I know he would blossom in a college environment.

Busy Days

Finally got the Christmas tree up and decorated:

We have a 9 ft tree, and there are TONS of things that go on the tree.

We quit using tinsel years ago but my mother bought many packages of crystal icicles, and after all the colored ornaments are hung, we "frost" the tree with the icicles.

Now we can finally get the family room vacuumed and straight. Yay!

Spent a long time yesterday helping Michael with a research paper for his history class. We're in the car going to school this morning and he mentions casually that he forgot about another history assignment and it was due Monday, a review of an article about history. AAARGH!!

I assured him he would be doing that assignment today, after school.

I finally said to him the other day, "Do you ever stop and think about that fact that although YOU don't care about your schoolwork, I DO?!?!! When you don't do things and I find out, I worry about the missed assignments and papers and I WORRY."

Thanks for ADDING to the long list of stressors in my life, kid.

I guess that is true of so many teenagers. They have a hard time seeing beyond their own concerns.

Michael has to help me out with a few chores around here, but 95% of his time outside of school is his own, and he can do what he likes.

Most days it's hard for me to find even one hour to just relax.

Lola is forcing me to get up off my butt and walk her, which is good, since I need more exercise, but I am often more tired than usual. Still trying to get used to the increased level of activity.

Last night I was wiped out by 10, and asleep shortly thereafter.

Such is life as a single mom... no matter how stressful, it's better than not being a mom, any day.

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I am constantly fascinated by articles about children who have undergone early trauma and the lifelong effects, and this one really hit home: Kids Whose Bond With Mother Was Disrupted Early in Life Show Changes in Brain.

Alesia is far too trusting of people, far too friendly, and it worries me a lot. Continuing to pray and hope she can get past this...

 

504 Meetings and School Stuff

I had the 504 meeting with Michael's teachers yesterday after school, and I was so pleased with how it turned out. We got all the acommodations.

Ironically, the two teachers who didn't come to the meeting [Math and Science] are the ones where he has the lowest grades.

The meeting went well, and the folks there were quite cooperative and we worked out his acommodations quite easily. Since he has only one hand, he is to be allowed extra time on writing assignments, and extra help on manual tasks [like cutting things, doing experiments, typing on the computer, etc.] and a few other things.

If you are not familiar with it, the 504 law is important to know. There's an excellent website called Wrightslaw that provides lots of good information to parents and educators. Here is the 504 explanation:

"Section 504 is a civil rights law that prohibits discrimination against individuals with disabilities. Section 504 ensures that the child with a disability has equal access to an education. The child may receive accommodations and modifications."

I posted on Facebook yesterday and explained the importance of the 504 law, and got a comment that implied it would be allowing a child to get away with not knowing the material. That's absolutely false. Michael has to know the same material as all his classmates. The point it simply that he gets some accommodations to help him.

If you have only one hand, it takes longer to get dressed, and to pull things out of your locker, and to cut an onion. Science labs take longer. He can do everything, just not as quickly as a two handed child.

I didn't know until recently that my daughter's Central Auditory Processing Disorder meant she should have had a 504 plan in school.

When she was a sophomore, Alesia had a terrible math teacher, just dreadful. The woman refused to help Alesia understand, refused to help her, and the school, when I contacted them, said merely, "Your daughter will have to go to after school tutoring." I said "What good will that do, when it's the teacher who is incomprehensible to her doing the tutoring?!?" I got nowhere. I took her to tutoring. Didn't help. My daughter failed the class. She was upset and humiliated.She later dropped out of school.

IF she had had a 504 plan things would've been different. The school would have had to acommodate her disability, by moving her to a different class or assigning her a tutor, or something. I could have insisted they do the right thing.

The IEP has a lot less enforceability. However, sometimes the IEP is more appropriate. I can't explain all the reasons why - it's a complex topic.

Of course, it always helps to have a lawyer on your side...

A couple of years ago a friend of mine told me her daughter was making a D in that woman's math class. I was shocked. Her daughter was a straight A student. It was an honors class. The parents banded together and the teacher "retired early."

My attorney was discussing with me yesterday the fact that 504 plans are so important, and if your child is in private school they don't have to comply with a 504 or an IEP.  So private school are not always better options. It depends on a lot of factors.

Of course, I got into a verbal back and forth with a friend last night on Facebook, because his child was in public school and treated horribly, and now the child has bloomed in private school. That's great. I know the child and parent and I am very glad he is having a better experience in school.

It's just that not all kids have access to a pricey private school education. Not everyone can even afford a lawyer. I am fortunate to know a lot of lawyers.

I wish wish wish I have been able to send Michael to a private school. I just couldn't afford it.

I am confident that with the help of my attorney, and the fact he's a good kid and seems to have caring teachers - hugely important - AND his 504 - that he will be OK this year.

ADDENDUM:

A friend of mine on Facebook who has had a lot of experience with 504s and IEPs posted this, and I like her explanation:

An IEP and a 504 are different animals. It's not that either is more or less enforceable. A 504 is under ADA law. In the same way that ADA requires wheelchair ramps to provide "access", a 504 requires accommodations for children with disabilities to provide equal "access" to education. For example, extra time, assistive technology, etc. An IEP is an educational document that would provide additional/different educational methods to actually remediate the disability. For example, for APD, there are methods/therapies to actually improve the APD and to teach kids how to compensate. If they need different instructional methods, that's an IEP; if they just need accommodations, that's a 504.

Under a 504, you can ask for the school to provide assistive technology that might benefit your son. For instance, if typing takes longer, they could provide dictation software so he could speak instead of type. Or a tablet w/ handwriting recognition so that he can "write" and have the computer type for him.

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Of course, he IS a teenager.

When I told him last night he'd better light a fire under his tail and get his Science and Math grades pulled up QUICK or he wouldn't be driving the car again anytime soon, he went from being in a real moody frame of mind, to doing HOMEWORK. Yep, at 8:30 at night.

I was pretty happy to see the transformation.

Then I noticed he had decided last night that it would be fun to pierce his own ear.

ACK!

We had a lively discussion. I didn't scream or throw anything. I am getting better at this "parenting a teenager" thing. By the time I am a Jedi master at it..... he won't be a teen any more.

Mothering Kids With Disabilities

Being a mother is tough. Unless you are wealthy and can afford servants and nannies, it's also exhausting. If you are the mother of a special needs child, it's ten times harder.

I was inspired to write this post by this blog from a special needs mom.

You have to be your child's guardian angel, counselor, coach, tutor, and most important - his advocate.

I've encountered people who thought I was being silly, ridiculous, overly picky, and every other adjective - because I was trying to look out for my kids. Yet, they didn't try to mother special needs children. They had NO IDEA what we face every day.

Most folks have no idea how mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting it is to parent a child who is special needs. 

I always tell people I have two special needs kids. Michael's special need - his missing hand - is the easier thing to manage. My daughter's issues [PTSD, Auditory Processing issues, probable ADHD and mild FAS] were much more difficult. I take comfort and inspiration from fellow adoptive moms like Cindy Bodie.She truly understands - her kids, most of them, have a lot of diagnoses, too. She often talks about how her kids are attractive and usually well behaved, but their early trauma left so much residual damage.

I found out the other day from my friend Kristy that my daughter's Central Auditory Processing Disorder should have meant she had a 504 plan for school. Instead, she had an IEP. If she had had the 504 plan, I would've been able to get better accommodations for her in school. She failed some classes because some of the teachers didn't care about her issues, and weren't willing to adjust anything to help her in the classroom. But during 2006-2010 when I was dealing with it all, I didn't know that.

I am struggling with feeling bad about this. When I allow myself to think about it, I cry. I was truly doing my best for my daughter, trying and trying to help her. Yet I failed.

Perhaps if Alesia had not failed some classes, if school had been less stressful, she might have stayed away from drugs. She might not have had such severe emotional issues. If I had just fought harder, maybr found a different therapist, maybe we wouldn't be estranged now. I have not seen my daughter in more than two years. Drugs have wrecked our relationship.

Everyone says "You did your best, that's all anyone could have done." Yes. That's true. I felt like I did my best. I took her to therapy. I tried to help her with schoolwork. I tried to re-teach things she didn't understand. I struggled for balance with her issues and Michael's issues.

Adopting a 13 year old who spoke no English was a huge challenge. HUGE. Add in a complete lack of knowledge of how to be a "normal" American kid, and a lot of trust issues.

She didn't know how to be my kid and I struggled equally hard to be a good mom. Most of the time, when I tried to talk to her, she mentally zoned out. It was a reflex, the therapist said. When Alesia is stressed or hearing something she doesn't like, she goes almost catatonic. She doesn't later recall anything that was said. Telling her things over and over didn't help. It was years before I realized it.

 

Michael is by far the easier child to manage, but he still requires a lot of mothering. Example - Last night at 10 p.m. I was informed that he had no soap in his bathroom, and no dental floss. When I was 17 I would've simply told Mom I needed soap before the bar disappeared, and she would've gotten it at the store. Michael pays no attention to such boring details of life.Maybe that's just boy. I don't know. But it means there is still work to be done, teaching moments left, in abundance.

 

I was telling a friend last night, I wish there was a website where parents could figure out their child's issues, and have resources.

There would be lists of behaviors that you could see, to see if your child has an Auditory Processing Disorder, or Sensory Issues, or even Autism. There would be links to other websites, lists of therapists, even a directory of education law attorneys in each state.There would be local chapters of support groups.

There would be a section for teachers, ideas to help them understand how to help the special needs child in the classroom.

There would be clear explanations of 504 plans and IEPs.

The hope would be for the website to be a real community of help and support for all moms and dads of all kids with special needs.

I haven't figured out how to make this dream a reality, but I am working on it.

I am motivated by my own difficult journey, the one I am still on. Ten years ago, I didn't know how to parent children who had been in orphanages, who had been traumatized, who needed a lot of TLC. I had to figure everything out on my own. I thought some days I was going crazy. I was always tired. I was always being pulled in so many directions. I had no time for my own friends, or interests. 

I would like to make things easier for others.

If you have any thoughts on this, please feel free to leave me a comment.